To deliberately avoid telling my ex that it's Mother's Day?

[BarbaraVineFan]

My XH lives abroad with his new wife and although he supports DD financially (up to a point!)!, I have her completely full time. So this thread is not about him helping DD sort a mothers day gift/card for me, as it just wouldn't be either on his radar, or really possible at all. It's about his mum.

On previous Mother's Days since we have been divorced, I have mentioned on the phone when he has a video chat with DD like he does every Sunday. He's then gone 'Oh, is it Mother's Day? I'd better call my mum.' I don't care at all for myself, but it really pisses me off and it makes me sad that he can't even Google when UK mothers day is and send his old mum a card.

When we were married, it was the old story and it was all left to me. But I am getting annoyed that every year it still becomes kind of my responsibility to remind him. He has a sister but they don't speak often and are not close.

WIBU when we speak later just not to mention mother's day at all and let him take responsibility for once? Or am I being mean?

Omg of course YANBU. Not your husband, not your mother, not your problem!

He’s a complete twat but I’d do it for his mum.

Why on earth would you remind an ex to call his mum on Mother’s Day? Raise your standards.

You need to get out of the mindset that he's your responsibility. He's not.

Of course you’re not. When you divorced him, you also divorced his wife work.

It's not so much that I've reminded him in the past, more that I've said that DD and I are doing this or that for mothers day and that has prompted him to call his mum.

Do you see her regularly and like her and would she appreciate it?

That influences my answer. I definitely wouldn’t do it for him but if she’s a loving granny and you like her I’d do it for her

We do see her twice a year, and she is lovely. Don't get to see her more often due to distance and full time work. But yes, I get on very well with all his family.

Not your job if he’s unable to use Google.

I would do something for her myself- send her a card or followers but it is too late for that this year. This year I would call her and just say what you said here- tell her that she is lovely and a wonderful grandma to your daughter.

I wouldn't even be in the room when they were talking to be honest, then you're not making any kind of choice not to do it. There's every chance she'll mention it herself to be fair.

If she's lovely, you or your DD give her a ring today.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRugI would love to leave them to it, but DD is only 5 and can't really do a video call on her own, mainly because she gives zero fucks about talking to her dad and would rather be playing, so I have to prompt her.

Am I the only one thinking this is totally bizarre, who reminds their ex that it's mother day? 😙

Wtf would you? By all means call or message her yourself if you feel the need but you don’t take responsibility for an ex. I assume he is an ex for a reason 🙄
Women always pandering, I don’t get it.

It beomes very easy to end up doing all the wife work when in a relationship and once you have kids it becomes the default because if you don't do it, people might get hurt like his mother. But you've split up now, it really isn't your problem. I wouldn't mention it, just get that off your mental responsibility pile and have a lovely day with your daughter.

You’ve managed to shake the dead weight. Don’t be reminding him of Mother’s Day. That’s up to his new wife/mummy

Do it for his mum if you like her

This might sound convoluted, as I agree with everyone else that you shouldn’t be doing the “wife-work” still for your ex, that is ridiculous. But I’m just wondering if a way of acknowledging your ex mother-in-law, who remains your daughter’s grandmother, might be for you to call her yourself on Mother’s Day to give her good wishes from you and her granddaughter? That way, you’ve given up the wife-work, which is really not yours to do, but let your former mother-in-law know that you are thinking of her and appreciate her. Just a thought.

It would not be unreasonable. But if you don’t remind him it’s not him who will be upset, is it?

Why don't you get your DD to call her and wish her happy grandmother's day? That way she doesn't get forgotten but you're not doing wife work for your ex husband.

I wouldn't remind him.

Not only would I not tell him, I'd also make sure no one else did - kind of like the family in "Goodbye, Lenin!" who pretended for years that the Berlin Wall hadn't come down when their mother came out of a coma and had to avoid a fatal shock.

So? Why is it the OP’s problem if the mum gets upset that her own son didn’t remember Mother’s Day (if he does indeed forget)? It’s not the OPs burden. It’s not the OPs responsibility.

Both my children get their 2 x Grandma's, aunt, and Great Grandma something so I would have got her something from you and your daughter.