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Original poster

To deliberately avoid telling my ex that it's Mother's Day?

53 replies

BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 09:45

My XH lives abroad with his new wife and although he supports DD financially (up to a point!)!, I have her completely full time. So this thread is not about him helping DD sort a mothers day gift/card for me, as it just wouldn't be either on his radar, or really possible at all. It's about his mum.

On previous Mother's Days since we have been divorced, I have mentioned on the phone when he has a video chat with DD like he does every Sunday. He's then gone 'Oh, is it Mother's Day? I'd better call my mum.' I don't care at all for myself, but it really pisses me off and it makes me sad that he can't even Google when UK mothers day is and send his old mum a card.

When we were married, it was the old story and it was all left to me. But I am getting annoyed that every year it still becomes kind of my responsibility to remind him. He has a sister but they don't speak often and are not close.

WIBU when we speak later just not to mention mother's day at all and let him take responsibility for once? Or am I being mean?

OP posts:
Enko · 30/03/2025 10:26

While YANBU to stop reminding him. I do want to point out that it's easy to miss a day like this living abroad. I'm Danish I always bought a mother day card for my mother in March but often forgot to send it for the early may mothers day in Denmark. It's not because I don't care just you can't have it in your diary unless you look up yearly and most of us don't. So while I don't think its your responsibility to remind him. I also get why he forgets.

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 30/03/2025 10:26

Not your circus, not your clowns.

Miffylou · 30/03/2025 10:27

BrassyPalm · 30/03/2025 10:24

So? Why is it the OP’s problem if the mum gets upset that her own son didn’t remember Mother’s Day (if he does indeed forget)? It’s not the OPs burden. It’s not the OPs responsibility.

Edited
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It isn’t her problem. It isn’t her burden. It isn’t her responsibility. But if I liked his mother and knew a phone call from her son would make her happy, I’d still do it.

Coconutter24 · 30/03/2025 10:33

BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 09:50

It's not so much that I've reminded him in the past, more that I've said that DD and I are doing this or that for mothers day and that has prompted him to call his mum.

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If you were phoning him purposely to remind him it’s Mother’s Day yes then that’s unreasonable. What you describe here just chatting away with DD and mentioning plans you’ve got which then reminds him doesn’t seem unreasonable. He’s not relying on you to tell him it just happens to come up. I’m not sure I’d filter my conversation to not mention it just to spite him because it’s his mum that will miss out on her sons phone call, it doesn’t impact him

Goldengirl123 · 30/03/2025 10:36

The only person who will be hurt is his mum

Dweetfidilove · 30/03/2025 10:38

If you're one of those people who feels terrible guilt over things that really shouldn't concern you, help your daughter send her a text or voice note.

PickledElectricity · 30/03/2025 10:39

If you feel bad for his mum, call her with your DD to wish her a happy (grand)mother's day. I'm sure she will be happy to see her granddaughter on video.

Her relationship with her son is no longer your problem.

Hedgingmybetching · 30/03/2025 10:39

Don't tell your ex, fuck that. However if you like your ex-MIL perhaps get your DC to give her a call to wish Grandma a happy mothers day and then at least you've made her feel thought about without having to continue being your Exes PA!

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/03/2025 10:42

B1indEye · 30/03/2025 10:02

Am I the only one thinking this is totally bizarre, who reminds their ex that it's mother day? 😙

You didn't read the post properly. The OP doesn't deliberately remind her ex that it's Mothers' Day. He speaks to their dd every Sunday and the OP is there because dd is only 5. When their Mothers' Day plans (naturally) come up in conversation, this accidentally reminds the ex that it's Mothers' Day.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 30/03/2025 10:43

You're going to have to question your motivation for this. I'm not entirely clear but it's about something in you, I don't know what. It's a bizarre thought you are having. It's not about his mum as much as you think - that I do believe.

It's good to teach your daughter that showing appreciation is a good thing. If your relationship with her is ok I'd send her a GIF or a thought out text message signed by you and daughter that comes FROM YOU ALONE.

Don't ever do this again with the ex. Some men are just useless ( he might not be) but this enabling stuff has got to stop.

Shelby2010 · 30/03/2025 10:45

Doing the ‘wife-work’ would be going out of your way to contact your ex to remind him. It’s easy to remember Mother’s Day here because we’ve had weeks of commercial hype. Presumably Mother’s Day is different in the country that he is in, so deliberately avoiding the subject seems petty.

Does he remember his mother’s birthday or does that not come up in conversation?

FairlyTired · 30/03/2025 10:46

BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 09:52

We do see her twice a year, and she is lovely. Don't get to see her more often due to distance and full time work. But yes, I get on very well with all his family.

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I would tell him then, it's for her not him. It won't really impact him if he doesn't do it (I doubt he will care by the sound of it) but because you are close with her it's something to benefit her. I would think of it as doing something for her rather than doing something for him.

PullTheBricksDown · 30/03/2025 10:46

BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 09:59

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRugI would love to leave them to it, but DD is only 5 and can't really do a video call on her own, mainly because she gives zero fucks about talking to her dad and would rather be playing, so I have to prompt her.

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I'd leave her to it even so. It's his job to engage his daughter, ask her questions about her toys or whatever. Let her wander off if he's boring her.

Createausername1970 · 30/03/2025 10:47

My sister's son lives abroad, so he sends her a mother's day bouquet when it's mother's day there.

Not suggesting it's down to OP to suggest it, but it works for my sister.

BabyFever246 · 30/03/2025 10:49

Video call her with your DD, say happy mothers day, don't tell your ex. Then she has it from your daughter. If she's nice don't leave her with nothing.

Maddy70 · 30/03/2025 11:47

Also different countries have different mothers days.

Naunet · 30/03/2025 11:50

Pices · 30/03/2025 09:47

He’s a complete twat but I’d do it for his mum.

Why? If it matters to her she can pull him up on it herself, she's his mother after all, she raised him.

pizzaHeart · 30/03/2025 11:54

Coconutter24 · 30/03/2025 10:33

If you were phoning him purposely to remind him it’s Mother’s Day yes then that’s unreasonable. What you describe here just chatting away with DD and mentioning plans you’ve got which then reminds him doesn’t seem unreasonable. He’s not relying on you to tell him it just happens to come up. I’m not sure I’d filter my conversation to not mention it just to spite him because it’s his mum that will miss out on her sons phone call, it doesn’t impact him

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I think OP should deliberately to direct conversation to avoid mentioning mother’s day ☺️

Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 11:55

Maddy70 · 30/03/2025 11:47

Also different countries have different mothers days.

Yes, but when we were married we lived abroad together, and I somehow managed to Google each year and get mothers' day cards and gifts to my mum and his mum...

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 11:57

Update - we spoke a few minutes ago. He didn't mention Mothers' Day, so I didn't either! But I have just messaged his mum and wished her happy mothers' day from me and DD.

OP posts:
BrassyPalm · 30/03/2025 12:07

Why do women always pick up the slack when they shouldn’t? And make these pitiful excuses about why they do it?

Send a lovely message to the exMIL if she means something to the OP, of course. But it is not up to women to continually pick up the slack for those men around us who can’t be bothered.

And for the apologists claiming ‘oh dear, he lives in a different country, it must be hard’ - bollocks. Total, bloody bollocks. Over the last 50 years I’ve lived in 3 countries in the north and southern hemisphere’s yet because I have that wonderful modern contraption called a mobile phone I have reminders for all those little things that occur each and every year - anniversaries of death, birthdays, important dates for those I care about. Regardless of local holidays and time differences.

There are some men who get away with this shite because we let them and encourage them too. Thank god I’ve taught my sons some responsibility and my daughter to have some respect for herself.

DaisyChain505 · 30/03/2025 12:11

The fact that you’re even questioning yourself on this decision is what’s unreasonable.

KimberleyClark · 30/03/2025 12:11

BarbaraVineFan · 30/03/2025 09:52

We do see her twice a year, and she is lovely. Don't get to see her more often due to distance and full time work. But yes, I get on very well with all his family.

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So do it for her.

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2025 12:35

I would send her a card from your daughter, or have your daughter call her.

It doesn't really matter whether you say anything to him. You are not doing wife work just by talking about your own day.

Hankunamatata · 30/03/2025 12:38

I wouldn't mention it. Perhaps send a card from dc to granny if she is lovely.