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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong to ask this?

61 replies

Changedforadvice · 29/03/2025 22:17

My DS (3) has some problems with his speech. Obviously we're a bit worried but working with nursery on them and have seen the GP for an ENT referral. We don't know exactly what the issue is but nobody thinks it's developmental. He is conscious of it himself and a bit sensitive over it at times. We don't want to make it into a big deal and just keep encouraging him, reading to him a lot and chatting with him about things he likes etc. He can clam up if we ask him to say something specific so we try to make things more relaxed and fun and don't focus on the fact that we're working on his speech.

My niece (7) keeps discussing his speech with us in front of him. It's not just once or twice it's repeatedly every time we've seen her for months. It's a fairly limited topic so there only so much to ask. Both me and DH have answered questions, repeatedly, along the lines of he's still learning, we all learn at different speeds, he's still quite young etc.

I started worrying about this conversation about him taking place in front of him so repeatedly. Although I'm not suggesting she's being deliberately unkind, the questions are about what he can't do and why he can't do it yet which he totally understands and I worry is knocking his confidence. We've tried distracting from it, she still asks over and over. We got to the point recently of explaining that talking about it might not be nice for him. Still she keeps asking. I'd have no problem keeping up answering questions (of course we do on other topics even when they feel a bit off) if it wasn't for how it may be affecting my DS to keep hearing himself being talked about like this. It feels weird to me that he's being talked about while standing right there, never mind the subject.

She recently stayed over for the first time and the conversation kept coming up over and over and I'm just not sure how to approach it with her any more. I don't want to keep talking about it in front of my DS but she's showing no signs of stopping asking.

I've been googling advice on what to do but then thought it might just be best to send my sister a message. I said how lovely it was to have her stay and how much fun they'd had then explained that the topic of DS's speech keeps coming up and that we've answered often but asked if she might now have a chat with her DD about it. I said I know she's 7 and just curious but I'm a bit worried about having a conversation about DSs speech in front of him so often.

My sister went mad at me reminding me that my niece is only 7 and wasn't being she wasn't being nasty (something I never suggested) but I was being nasty and that there should be no more playdates.

Was it wrong to broach the subject with her?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/03/2025 22:23

Just tell neice nicely that you don't want to talk about it every time she starts.

If she doesn't stop than a sharp comment about pointing out people's differences is unkind

LeaveTaking · 29/03/2025 22:27

I am with you on this one.

You have calmly explained the issue repeatedly and it is still happening, so it’s right to raise this. It’s a good life lesson.

My (older) son is none verbal and children do ask why he can’t speak, but not children who see him regularly as they are aware, so why would they.

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 29/03/2025 22:27

Tell her it's for adult conversation and to come back when she is 18.. She is obviously listening to someone chatting about your ds..

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/03/2025 22:32

Your sister is being awful. If her DD is only 7 and should be allowed to say whatever she likes you can point out that DS is ONLY 3 and has a more than equal right not to be gossiped about or criticised in his presence. You can see why DN is the way she is, her mum is a pita.

You’ve obviously done the right thing but tbh after asking DN nicely to stop the first few times I’d have told her firmly to stop it as it upsets him and you.

Original poster
Changedforadvice · 29/03/2025 22:33

It's really upset me that after what I thought was a reasonable message my sister has reacted so badly. We've had a lifelong difficult relationship, she could cause an argument in an empty room. We also parent differently, my niece isn't ever really told no. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with them both, but I'm not willing to let my son suffer because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changedforadvice · 29/03/2025 22:34

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 29/03/2025 22:27

Tell her it's for adult conversation and to come back when she is 18.. She is obviously listening to someone chatting about your ds..

Yes, it's not the only topic either. We continually get asked if we're rich, so I wonder where that comes from...

OP posts:
Endofyear · 29/03/2025 22:56

Instead of messaging your sister, why did you not have a conversation with her? Things can appear a bit blunt in a message and she's obviously taken it the wrong way. Wait for things to calm down and then discuss it with her face to face. If that doesn't work then I would limit contact with them.

Mnetcurious · 29/03/2025 23:05

Yanbu and you’re right not to want your niece to keep mentioning it in front of your son. Your sister IS being unreasonable. Personally I’d be inclined not to spend any time with your sister and niece and prioritise the needs of your child.

AlertCat · 29/03/2025 23:11

It’s ok to tell people (including 7yo) that such a topic isn’t appropriate for the social context they’re bringing it up in. If they persist, raise something that they feel embarrassed about* and start talking about that.

*nb not if niece is ND or there’s another reason she might not readily respond to social niceties. and not something so embarrassing that it would really upset her. I’m not advocating for traumatising both children!

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 30/03/2025 00:01

Start asking your niece why she can't do things. The response to any answer she gives is, "But why?

JustJoinedRightNow · 30/03/2025 00:02

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. You raised it with her mum instead of being blunt and possibly coming across as mean to your niece.
Now that your sister has said the playdates stop, perfect! You don't have to worry about the intrusive precocious questions anymore.
It's clear someone is talking about your son's speech delay around her, often too because she keeps asking about it. Protect your son from that family who don't seem to have his best interests at heart.

clickyteeclick · 30/03/2025 00:07

No you were absolutely not being unreasonable. Personally I would have had the chat with my niece myself and said “no more asking about that anymore, it’s really not very nice for you to keep asking, it’s private”. Or words to that effect. The likelihood of her grassing you up is pretty low and if she did then you could tell your sister why. Don’t back down or apologise, you did the right thing x

Original poster
Changedforadvice · 30/03/2025 00:11

Endofyear · 29/03/2025 22:56

Instead of messaging your sister, why did you not have a conversation with her? Things can appear a bit blunt in a message and she's obviously taken it the wrong way. Wait for things to calm down and then discuss it with her face to face. If that doesn't work then I would limit contact with them.

This is the message. I don't think it's harsh.

Was I wrong to ask this?
OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 30/03/2025 00:16

Your message is fine. Some people react badly to long messages, they feel like it is an attack.

I am an over explainer and anxious so I have always sent absolute novels, but I have learnt that people often prefer a breezy

"Hey, we are trying a new thing where we don't mention DS's speech in front of him, we are letting everyone know and so would you mind giving your DD a heads up for next play date? We loved having her BTW, she was great with the pancakes".

Your sister sounds like she may still take issue with it regardless of how it is phrased, but I have noticed my interactions improving since I changed the way I message :)

Podgeys1 · 30/03/2025 00:19

Your sister is unhinged and you need to keep her child the hell away from your child.

She is 7, old enough.
Sounds like she has fixated on this.
Stop visits completely.

With a sister like that there is always going to be drama.
Do not respond and avoid her.

Not good for your son to be listening to this.
Not normal at all for her to be going on about it.

standtherebicycle · 30/03/2025 00:25

You were totally right in asking your sister to parent her child on this issue - at 7 your niece is old enough to understand why she needs to stop doing this and stop it. Maybe you could try talking about her in front of her (without being unkind about her of course) and see whether she starts to get it. Your sister has been a dickhead.

Vaxtable · 30/03/2025 00:32

You did the right think asking your sister to have a word. The fact she is 7 is irrelevant, she is old enough to know that if someone asks her to stop she stops. The issue probably is her never being told no

2 options, she comes again and if she starts you tell her firmly to stop, that you have repeatedly, asked her to stop and that at 7 she is old enough to know that her behaviour is upsetting to her cousiN.if she continues I would simply send her home

the other options is not to have her over

Original poster
Changedforadvice · 30/03/2025 00:40

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 30/03/2025 00:16

Your message is fine. Some people react badly to long messages, they feel like it is an attack.

I am an over explainer and anxious so I have always sent absolute novels, but I have learnt that people often prefer a breezy

"Hey, we are trying a new thing where we don't mention DS's speech in front of him, we are letting everyone know and so would you mind giving your DD a heads up for next play date? We loved having her BTW, she was great with the pancakes".

Your sister sounds like she may still take issue with it regardless of how it is phrased, but I have noticed my interactions improving since I changed the way I message :)

Yes, that is much better. Thanks, I will be trying that approach I'm future, possibly not with DSis as that ship may have sailed!

OP posts:
Biffbaff · 30/03/2025 00:47

I think you can be firmer with the 7 year old. My son is 6 and he would understand if, once I told him not to do or say something, he wasn't to do it again, and if he did it would be the end of being asked nicely. Adopt your firm voice and say "We're not talking about that anymore." I would also make a fuss of your 3 year old and check that he's OK after what niece said, that might help her get the message as well.

SillyQuail · 30/03/2025 07:54

I might be an outlier but I think it probably matters more to your son how you react to these questions. If he is different, other kids are going to be curious about that and make comments/ask questions about it, and if you react like it's something shameful that shouldn't be talked about then that's what he'll internalise. My mum had a severe disability and always answered my friends' questions about her condition honestly and without shame, and I think it helped me to see that she wasn't upset by it. I think if you make a big deal about his cousin asking questions you're indirectly indicating to him that it's something you're worried by. By all means tell her it's rude to make personal comments about other people, but I think being breezy and answering her questions honestly shows him it doesn't bother you

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/03/2025 08:08

at 7, unless SHE has developmental delays she should be able to understand and follow a simple request “please stop asking about his speech”

I’d be knocking all the free childcare for your DSis on the head tbh…

SheridansPortSalut · 30/03/2025 08:13

You weren't wrong to raise the subject but it should have been done face to face. It's too easy for messages to be read in a tone that is different to what was intended.

AllotmentTime · 30/03/2025 08:14

YANBU and also LOL at questioning George's qualifications. Maybe that's the bit that offended your sis, I mean how very dare you 🤣

Seriously though sounds best tbh if you don't see them for a while. I suspect your sister is angry because this has exposed that she is talking about it a lot in front of DNeice, who has picked up on that. Very much the same as with the comments about being rich.

SheridansPortSalut · 30/03/2025 08:17

I'd roll my eyes if I got that text, tbh. There's too much detail in it for it to ever sound casual or breezy.

hockityponktas · 30/03/2025 08:28

Changedforadvice · 29/03/2025 22:33

It's really upset me that after what I thought was a reasonable message my sister has reacted so badly. We've had a lifelong difficult relationship, she could cause an argument in an empty room. We also parent differently, my niece isn't ever really told no. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with them both, but I'm not willing to let my son suffer because of it.

This says it all really. This is her problem not yours. Niece needs to stop and if your sister isn’t going to ensure she does then I don’t see what choices you have really.
you could politely tell DN every time she brings it up that we’ve already talked about it and we don’t need to talk about it anymore. Your sister probably won’t like that either tbh though.
it seems like a bit of a loosing battle and I think you have to put yourself and your son first.

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