Was I wrong to ask this?

[Changedforadvice]

My DS (3) has some problems with his speech. Obviously we're a bit worried but working with nursery on them and have seen the GP for an ENT referral. We don't know exactly what the issue is but nobody thinks it's developmental. He is conscious of it himself and a bit sensitive over it at times. We don't want to make it into a big deal and just keep encouraging him, reading to him a lot and chatting with him about things he likes etc. He can clam up if we ask him to say something specific so we try to make things more relaxed and fun and don't focus on the fact that we're working on his speech.

My niece (7) keeps discussing his speech with us in front of him. It's not just once or twice it's repeatedly every time we've seen her for months. It's a fairly limited topic so there only so much to ask. Both me and DH have answered questions, repeatedly, along the lines of he's still learning, we all learn at different speeds, he's still quite young etc.

I started worrying about this conversation about him taking place in front of him so repeatedly. Although I'm not suggesting she's being deliberately unkind, the questions are about what he can't do and why he can't do it yet which he totally understands and I worry is knocking his confidence. We've tried distracting from it, she still asks over and over. We got to the point recently of explaining that talking about it might not be nice for him. Still she keeps asking. I'd have no problem keeping up answering questions (of course we do on other topics even when they feel a bit off) if it wasn't for how it may be affecting my DS to keep hearing himself being talked about like this. It feels weird to me that he's being talked about while standing right there, never mind the subject.

She recently stayed over for the first time and the conversation kept coming up over and over and I'm just not sure how to approach it with her any more. I don't want to keep talking about it in front of my DS but she's showing no signs of stopping asking.

I've been googling advice on what to do but then thought it might just be best to send my sister a message. I said how lovely it was to have her stay and how much fun they'd had then explained that the topic of DS's speech keeps coming up and that we've answered often but asked if she might now have a chat with her DD about it. I said I know she's 7 and just curious but I'm a bit worried about having a conversation about DSs speech in front of him so often.

My sister went mad at me reminding me that my niece is only 7 and wasn't being she wasn't being nasty (something I never suggested) but I was being nasty and that there should be no more playdates.

Was it wrong to broach the subject with her?

Your sister is selfish and I would take a step back from seeing her. Why was her dd staying over? I wouldn’t have her to stay and if you see her at your parents, whisk your ds away when your niece starts.

She's picking this up from adults around her. Your sister is angry because she's embarrased.
Most 7 year olds wouldn't think twice about a young child not talking well, she's got this from somewhere.

I think cut back on how often you see your sister for a while. She does not sound like a kind or supportive person and DNiece has not been spoken to about manners sufficiently.

My DD is on the autistic spectrum and absolutely could have been told (and would have been!) "do not comment on X about Y" at that age and would have done what I asked, even if she didn't get what was rude about it.

I would also step back from your your sister and her family, just don’t contact her.

No you are right. Your sister has overreacted. I think for the future if your niece brings it up say firmly that you have already explained this and that you don't want to talk about it at the moment. Your sister should be having a word with her daughter who is old enough to understand a simple conversation about how it might hurt her cousins feelings.

Fair enough.

My sister is incredibly difficult. It's so hard to communicate with her as she can take offence when the opposite is intended. I overthought trying to explain without criticism.

She has read it and has thrown back at me something completely unrelated from over a year ago that she believes makes me a nasty person, to try and start an argument. So that's useful.

I think your message was too long and a bit ott. I think you might have been better to say you are worried that your ds is upset by people commenting on his speech and could she explain this to niece.

Two of my DSs have had speech delays, I've never actually had a single child ask about or discuss their speech at any age. The kids at preschool and kindy just accepted it, in fact they often interpreted to the teacher for DS2 especially who was really hard to understand until he was 6. Unless there is some sort of cognitive delay there is no reason a 7 year old won't understand what you're saying and why. What you asked was completely reasonable. I do wonder if your sister has spoken about DS speech issues in front of her DD as its really not behaviour I've come across from a child.

My youngest especially had to be taught how to make the sounds, they both had a lot of speech therapy from baout 4.5. Sometimes they start younger but learning to speak sounds correctly does take a lot of practice and concentration and requires them to follow very specific instructions on placement and movement of tounge and teeth and lips. At your DS age what they recommend was recasting, so saying the words he got wrong back to him, in your own words not repeating, just so he can hear them correctly pronounced. Have you had his hearing checked? That's usually the first point or call, if they can't hear the sounds properly like with glue ear then you end up with mispronunciations.

My mum told me years ago that your loyalty must be to your own child, no-one else's. It really is as simple as that.

My sister can be hard work too. Any sign of me pushing back is met with hostility. I used to think having a bond between our children would help. It really didn't, in fact she picked up pretty quickly this meant I'd have playdates and sleepovers at the drop of a hat so took full advantage.

Someone is discussing your DS, her reaction tells you that as well as DN's behaviour. If she wants to use her DN as a toy and snatch her back let her get on with it and she can find someone else to entertain her.

My response would simply be. OK sorry you feel like that. Then step away. It sounds like you're far more useful to her than she is you, she'll be back.

Is your niece's sleepover that you and your child wanted, or something that your sister and your niece wanted? Your sister saying no more playdates would be a win for me as I wouldn't want your niece to come over as she ignores your request to not talk about your child's speech delay and neither she nor your sister care about your child being upset.

I'd take a break from both of them tbh.

Does it always need to be casual and breezy, though? This is something that has been going on for a while and is understandably bothering OP a fair bit.

OP I think you're fine - didn't surprise me one bit when you said your sister has a hard time saying "no" to your niece!

I’d send her another text

’Belt up and tell DN to stop asking about it.’

but then I’ve become rather direct in my old age ☺️

Can you clearly explain that this is a NO. We will not speak about this. If she brings it up, flat out ignore. Don’t even address it. If she says something about it in front of
your son, redirect him to something fun/ engage him by speaking kindly about him (like I’m sure you do a lot!).

Eg. N: why can’t Billy speak properly.
You: oh look Billy a football! such a good kicker - show me how you do it! Daddy wants to play football.
N: he can’t even say his name.
you: Billy come and have another bowl pf
raspberries. Yum!

if sister then says ‘N said you were ignoring her’. You I’ve clearly explained I would not speak about Billy’s speech. She brought it up, so yes I did ignore the question.

The text is fine.
Your sister is very obviously gossipping about your DS in front of your niece 💯.

Your DSIS sounds like hard work and you were overly polite.

I would have said directly to the 7yo "you must not talk about that again", it's not unkind, 7yos still need guidance on appropriate conversation

When she asks again "niece, I'm worried about your memory as you keep asking the same question over and over again, to which we have already answered. I think you're a clever girl with a good memory so let's see if you can remember the answer and not have to keep asking the same question over and over".

If she then asks again I would just ask if she's forgotten again!

I like your comment about Georges qualifications, would have gotten a laugh from me. I dont actually know a single kid, including mine, who had a speech delay where there was any link to cognitive delays so I feel a bit dubious on the validity of George's qualifications too.

This was not a topic for a message. Especially if your sis is difficult. Its a conversation.

Yanbu to raise this.

Ask her to stop the niece. Otherwise next time you will stop her because it's upsetting your son being talked about.

Take space OP.
You are doing your best.
Your child needs a break from this obnoxious cousin.
Any 7 year old I had was able to hear "enough!" and follow the instruction.

I wouldn't reply and I would keep them apart.
Neither of them are adding to your lives at the moment.

YANBU and i dont think anything you said should of caused offense.

I have a similar situation but in my case it is my youngest DB (11) who often jokes to my DC about the childhood abuse me and my older DB recieved from our mother. Every time we see him he will say things like "was it funny when you used to get dragged around the house by your hair for not go to school." He will go on and on until I respond and then say "well it's your fault, you should of went to school" and will turn to my DC and say "that will happen to you if your that naughty too." It's actually awful and pretty triggering but I now have to keep my DC away from him as my 4yo is starting to comment on it and for my own sanity. I know he's a product of my mother and it's not really his fault but I can't help that it has changed the way we view him now.

I dont really have any advice on how to deal with it but i think putting your son first here is key in making sure he isn't made to feel abnormal or less of a person. Maybe try again to talk to your niece and shut this down once and for all or it may be time to stop seeing her for a little while. It also might be worth considering if she is just repeating what she is hearing from her parents.
I understand that children are children but many children can bully and be completely awful which can leave a lasting effect on those affected by it if just left alone. Now I'm not saying she is bullying him, but it may be knocking his self esteem in many similar ways

It’s likely that your niece has heard your sister talking about this a lot, otherwise she wouldn’t be so interested.

Your sister is clearly very hard work, why are you bending over backwards to placate her? Generally speaking, people who are always looking for reasons to be upset by someone, don’t care if they upset other people. Just stop worrying about upsetting her. I wouldn’t bother replying to her message at all. Anything you say will be twisted to turn her into a victim. Just blank her. She’ll come chasing after you when she wants to use you for childcare. How you respond is up to you.

Protect your son,put him first.Keep away from sister and niece.

😂

In different circumstances this is something that wouldn't have made her laugh, and was intended to keep things lighthearted. She's just read the message as criticism so it's not worked. Her thinking is so black and white I've often wondered if she might have a personality disorder. Obviously I'm not going to suggest it, although I may ask George what he thinks.

Not on the subject, but would you mind explaining why your main message sounds like British English but the message you suggest sounds American? Is it AI? This pattern is repeated quite often on Mumsnet. Not complaining just interested. Thanks.

I often find that the children who rarely get told no can respond fairly well to hearing it.

Given how your sister has kicked off I’d take an extended break from her and DN but in future don’t worry so much about being firm and sticking up for your son, whomever’s picking at him. He’s watching how you communicate and it’s absolutely fine to ask/tell people to knock it off when they’re persisting in being a dick.