Was I wrong to ask this?

[Changedforadvice]

My DS (3) has some problems with his speech. Obviously we're a bit worried but working with nursery on them and have seen the GP for an ENT referral. We don't know exactly what the issue is but nobody thinks it's developmental. He is conscious of it himself and a bit sensitive over it at times. We don't want to make it into a big deal and just keep encouraging him, reading to him a lot and chatting with him about things he likes etc. He can clam up if we ask him to say something specific so we try to make things more relaxed and fun and don't focus on the fact that we're working on his speech.

My niece (7) keeps discussing his speech with us in front of him. It's not just once or twice it's repeatedly every time we've seen her for months. It's a fairly limited topic so there only so much to ask. Both me and DH have answered questions, repeatedly, along the lines of he's still learning, we all learn at different speeds, he's still quite young etc.

I started worrying about this conversation about him taking place in front of him so repeatedly. Although I'm not suggesting she's being deliberately unkind, the questions are about what he can't do and why he can't do it yet which he totally understands and I worry is knocking his confidence. We've tried distracting from it, she still asks over and over. We got to the point recently of explaining that talking about it might not be nice for him. Still she keeps asking. I'd have no problem keeping up answering questions (of course we do on other topics even when they feel a bit off) if it wasn't for how it may be affecting my DS to keep hearing himself being talked about like this. It feels weird to me that he's being talked about while standing right there, never mind the subject.

She recently stayed over for the first time and the conversation kept coming up over and over and I'm just not sure how to approach it with her any more. I don't want to keep talking about it in front of my DS but she's showing no signs of stopping asking.

I've been googling advice on what to do but then thought it might just be best to send my sister a message. I said how lovely it was to have her stay and how much fun they'd had then explained that the topic of DS's speech keeps coming up and that we've answered often but asked if she might now have a chat with her DD about it. I said I know she's 7 and just curious but I'm a bit worried about having a conversation about DSs speech in front of him so often.

My sister went mad at me reminding me that my niece is only 7 and wasn't being she wasn't being nasty (something I never suggested) but I was being nasty and that there should be no more playdates.

Was it wrong to broach the subject with her?

Erm, I don't know!

I was raised in NZ and have spent several years in the UK, I have also been an expat in Asia for several years. I've never lived in America though.

I didn't use AI to write my comment, but I am ND and sometimes the way I talk or type can come accross a little strangely.

I try to read things through and make sure they don't sound weird but I don't always get it right.

Maybe because in my head I was talking to OP and then switched in my head to talking to her sister? I don't know lol

Bloody George. Such a mansplainer 🙄🤣 your message was fine @Changedforadvice if DSis won’t deal with it, I’d not be inviting DN for any more sleepovers

Thanks so much for explaining @FeministUnderTheCatriarchy . Nothing you said sounded weird, just a little different from the rest of your post.

Sound like nobody is really benefitting from these "sleepovers" so your Sister stopping them might be a good thing

7 is perfectly old enough to understand why they shouldn’t keep asking about something when they have been told to stop.

You’re quite right to stand up for your ds. Your nice sounds unkind and your sister sounds batshit. I’m sorry you have such a tricky relationship with her.

If you have to manoeuvre yourself around your sister's feelings all of the time you have a sister problem. Next time in similar situations speak to the child or any child in nice firm tone....." we won't be having a conversation about anybody speech anymore. It is impolite and rude" or the " rich" comment...." that is being impolite"and do not give the convesation an audience....... have another biscuit/ fruit". And if the person does it with your son directly you give him permission to answer in same way. Sister takes everything as a criticism of her parenting or life instead of as a solution to a problem that you are experiencing.....total lack of self awareness on her part.

Ask her to repeat what she's said.

She's a @ucking nasty cow
.

You were right to ask your dsis to have a chat with her DD after exhausting other approaches. She hasn’t taken it well but I think she is the unreasonable one.

You had your niece to stay.

When she is with you just say kindly but firmly “it’s rude to talk about other people, ask personal questions and make personal comments so we won’t be talking about this any more”

And if she does, don’t answer. Say “ I told you it’s rude to make comms about other people “ and change the subject.

It takes a village to raise a child. If she was doing something else disadvantageous whilst in your care (getting hot stuff off the hob / aiming missiles at your Ds) you’d tell her to stop it.

She’s 7. Her teachers at school will be telling her no about things whilst in their care. Tell her what behaviour you expect.

Your sister probably takes it as a criticism of her parenting if you go running to her to sort.

It's been a bit of a road, I've been talking to nursery about it since he turned 2 and worried that I was being OTT. It's only when applying to school came up and we decided to ask for deferment that I really felt it was a pressing issue. Until then I'd put my faith in the nursery. I started with GP who gave a speech and language referral that was batted back because it hadn't come from nursery. I spoke to nursery (a lead at this point rather that his very young key worker) and they agreed he'd benefit from the extra year at nursery to not only work on speech but also his confidence. They backed me and all the schools we'd put down accepted the deferment.

Separately an NCT friend who assured me that DS's speech was clearer than her DN who at a few months older was told she'd was fine. Fast forward to before Christmas and friend's niece had enlarged adenoids diagnosed and treated and had come on leaps and bounds. Discussed this with nursery and they said it's worth checking and to ask for hearing test. Back to GP and were now referred to ENT and awaiting an appointment. DH apparently didn't talk until he was 6 and we've consistently mentioned this as it may have a bearing, although he never received a diagnosis. He's absolutely fine now, which I've always seen as a positive for DS.

It feels like enough to be going on with without having to pussyfoot around my sister and her fragile ego.

Edited to add, yes, none of his little mates at nursery seem to have made any issue out of it.

Your sister is a being a dick and 7 is old enough to understand when you’ve been told to stop doing something. It’s also old enough to understand the concept of hurting someone’s feelings. It’s not hard to see where she’s got it from. Stand your ground and protect your child, you’ve done nothing wrong.