Mother’s Day disappointment

[Sotired007]

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable, overly sensitive or just having a low day.
A month ago, partner said he was taking us out for lunch for Mother’s Day, after breakfast in bed and a chilled morning. I said to him ‘you’ll need to book somewhere soon as places will book up fast!’ He said good point he’ll get something booked.
DD is 3 and severely disabled, she wakes at 4am everyday, rarely sleeps through the night. I’m the only one that hears and the only one who can settle her. When he tries she gets more upset. So for us both to sleep, I sort it. I WFH while looking after her while DP works M-F. Exhausted is an understatement, the daily fight for support along with the medical needs, and physical exertion.

Beginning of this week I mentioned in passing I was looking forward to going out for Mother’s Day. DP said ‘oh I’ve forgot to book’ he then spent the next couple of hours ringing places, of course all booked up. 🤦‍♀️ he did apologise and said he was sorry for not sorting it out.
I then had a look and found a local restaurant had a slot but not til 7pm. I wanted to go out so I booked it. That was that.

Friday he finished early as he was going out with friends, (it’s rare either of us go out) came home just before lunch and said he was going for a nap. Ok fine, DD was at her specialist setting and I was busy working. Then he went out a few hours later.
Saturday of course, total write off for him which I expected and have no problem with.
but, I then said I was looking forward to a lay in and breakfast. He said, oh I’ll need to go out to buy all that. (On Mother’s Day!)

AIBU to think he should have bought it Friday on his way home knowing today would be a total no go for him going out?
that I had to book my own Mother’s Day meal?
that and he’ll have to go out to get breakfast and our child yet again is solely in my care when I could really just do with a rest??!

He is not a bad man, dad or partner, he is loving and kind. But sometimes, god he just doesn’t THINK!

"He knows Mother’s Day though, but not how we approach it here I guess. I had told him I didn’t need a gift (thank you) but would really like a card. Naturally I expected him to plan for us to go somewhere for lunch / or somewhere to visit. I found out today he’s planned absolutely nothing at all!"

You told him you don't need a present but would like a card. Why would he think you'd need a whole day out?

@Sotired007 I'm sorry you have such a relentless caring responsibility every day. I can understand that need to just get a moment to yourself.

Have you actually read the op posts? She’s raising a severely disabled child who responds more to her than dad so it’s relentless daily. It’s not the same as raising an average 3 year old. So much more like caring for health needs, medication, feeds, appointments,physio, suction etc 24/7

It’s not really about the food either. Op has stated it’s more just having a little time to herself as she doesn’t get that.

Nasty for the sake of it, becoming more and more common on here under the guise of ‘vipers’

@Sotired007 hope he comes through for you this morning. He doesn’t sounds a bad man just probably muddling through like you are, maybe talk is needed.

Well, I don’t think that’s ’absolutely fine’. I think that’s shit.

Who does he think he is? Why is he allowed to opt out of parenting? Why are you ok with him being so substandard?

Ive had my hen, my girls took me away for the weekend, I gad the best sleep then they organised 2 massage therapists to come and pamper us all, had the best afternoon nap! Then partied hard I think I’m still hungover and it was last September 😂😂
that did make me realise I needed a break. And she was fine without me. I think I’m so used to doing everything it’s hard to let go 🤷‍♀️

It was his stag you crank

So had to bring DD in bed with us early hours, he got up and left us both asleep. Taking me out for breakfast and I’ve cancelled the evening meal, it’s just too late to enjoy it properly with her bedtime routines.
had a chilled morning so far and a lovely gift.
thank you for everyone’s well wishes and comments
hope all you lovely mums have a fab day too.
think I was just feeling so overtired and a bit alone yesterday xx

@Lougle yes, I thought he’d know I meant I didn’t need a gift, but everyone always usually goes out on Mother’s Day/ Fathers Day. But he didn’t. Going out was something we always did in my family and I thought most people do the same. Obviously I wasn’t clear and everyone doesn’t have the same traditions. I’ve now explained.

So glad to hear that @Sotired007 xxx

Wtf??

So glad your Mother’s Day morning has been better than expected. I don’t know if this might help but my husband has naturally taken up the mantle getting up with our 2.5 year DS for 18 months now. It’s not everyday without fail but it’s enough that he only calls for Daddy every single morning. DH also does most of the night wakings. It’s also because I’m a heavy sleeper, I struggle to fall asleep, can take me hours but he falls asleep in a second (no exaggeration). So it makes sense that I get to have a bit more sleep if he doesn’t mind waking up in the morning, whereas for me it’s a huge struggle. Just like he does all the cooking as he enjoys it. I’m not lazy, i work full time and do much more with DC2 but I must say sleep is a tough one unless you know all the facts. That said, this thread made me realise I need to step up more and get up with DC1 in the mornings as whenever I do go in there I am met with ‘I want daddy’ on repeat. Which does hurt.

You must have missed this part of the OP:

"I’m the only one that hears and the only one who can settle her. When he tries she gets more upset. So for us both to sleep, I sort it. "

Far from ideal but it is not clear how to resolve this.

Some people just don’t think ahead.my husband doesn’t. I’ve learned to accept it and my life is much more peaceful as a result. His brain doesn’t think like mine (logical, always assessing risks, practical) My brain is totally different to his (socialable , personality)

@BunnyVV Find it hard to believe that your husband can have the kind of brain that is “practical” and “always assessing risks” and yet doesn’t think ahead. He doesn’t think ahead about things he doesn’t deem important, there’s a difference.

Ah, glad you’ve had a nice day. You sound like you were both in need of a break.

No, some people are just too rude nowadays!!

Is that really all you can say in the face of a lady struggling with the tragic situation of her DD's birth? Have you no empathy or compassion?!

@Sotired007 I hope you've had a lovely day x

This all day long.

Selfish man! Thinking of himself and not you at all! He can’t pull something off one day a year? I think you know the answer..

@Sotired007 You sound like an incredible Mum.

Many partnerships don’t survive the trauma you have described. You guys are about to get married and have found a way to turn towards the light together, rather than separate into the darkness.

Day to day, from what you’ve said, he has tried to settle her but understandably you’ve stepped in when this resulted in her getting so distressed that it provoked more seizures.

Importantly, he has since spent months reading to her, in an attempt to bond and connect so he can re-visit the settling and try again when your daughter is ready.

I hope he gets a chance to try again. Even when your daughter is ready… do you think you will feel ready?

You say she was fine when you went away for your hen weekend. What was the set up to enable that?

I can only imagine how it felt to leave her and simultaneously how amazing it felt to sleep! To be treated and to be free.

After everything you have all been through, the urge to protect your daughter must be so strong and all consuming.

I hope you get the compensation and that it helps with your daughter’s care. the process sounds so stressful.

What you wrote above felt really significant. You said, “I’ll get up as many times as I need to for the rest of my life.”

Have you got the resources to access therapy for birth trauma? You deserve that safe space.

Sending hugs for all the days, not just Mother’s Day x

This.

Your DD is only three and takes up a lot of time emotionally and physically. He will get better at it. I really wouldn't go out for a meal tbh as it's hellish. Get him to cook something instead.

I'd asked for afternoon tea. He fell asleep after a poor night then realised he didn't have margarine at 15:45 (to make the scones and cake!). I did get my tea but very late and with very browned scones.

The point is he loves me and he tried. Our DS lives in Supported Housing so we didn't have any contact with him yesterday and I didn't get a card or anything from him. My DH wrote his name in a card he'd bought for me.

Very few people get a Hallmark Mother's Day and if it's up to husbands or children things don't usually happen at all!

@Sotired007 hope you ended up with a day filled with love and some kind of rest. I read a quote the other day, it said parenting is “all joy and no fun” and that really resonated x

This reminds me of my dad who used to go shopping for mums Xmas presents on Xmas eve before I was old enough to go for him 😂 TBH he just sounds like a typical bloke leaving things to the last minute , let him go & get the stuff for breakfast & enjoy ur lie in