Mother’s Day disappointment

[Sotired007]

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable, overly sensitive or just having a low day.
A month ago, partner said he was taking us out for lunch for Mother’s Day, after breakfast in bed and a chilled morning. I said to him ‘you’ll need to book somewhere soon as places will book up fast!’ He said good point he’ll get something booked.
DD is 3 and severely disabled, she wakes at 4am everyday, rarely sleeps through the night. I’m the only one that hears and the only one who can settle her. When he tries she gets more upset. So for us both to sleep, I sort it. I WFH while looking after her while DP works M-F. Exhausted is an understatement, the daily fight for support along with the medical needs, and physical exertion.

Beginning of this week I mentioned in passing I was looking forward to going out for Mother’s Day. DP said ‘oh I’ve forgot to book’ he then spent the next couple of hours ringing places, of course all booked up. 🤦‍♀️ he did apologise and said he was sorry for not sorting it out.
I then had a look and found a local restaurant had a slot but not til 7pm. I wanted to go out so I booked it. That was that.

Friday he finished early as he was going out with friends, (it’s rare either of us go out) came home just before lunch and said he was going for a nap. Ok fine, DD was at her specialist setting and I was busy working. Then he went out a few hours later.
Saturday of course, total write off for him which I expected and have no problem with.
but, I then said I was looking forward to a lay in and breakfast. He said, oh I’ll need to go out to buy all that. (On Mother’s Day!)

AIBU to think he should have bought it Friday on his way home knowing today would be a total no go for him going out?
that I had to book my own Mother’s Day meal?
that and he’ll have to go out to get breakfast and our child yet again is solely in my care when I could really just do with a rest??!

He is not a bad man, dad or partner, he is loving and kind. But sometimes, god he just doesn’t THINK!

I really feel for both of you OP and your daughter of course. You have been dealt a tough hand.

I don’t mean that as a nosey question but did you not get a payout? I’m in Ireland and the compensation for such injuries is huge reflecting the level of care the child will need throughout their life. Ive noticed the can take a long time to get through the courts.

If your daughter will now let her dad give her fluid could you try to progress the nights? Is their a professional who could help. Could you both get up and hold her and try to take a step back?

We’ve been waiting for 2.5yrs for the trust to admit liability, they’ve so far given 20 extensions to the decision deadline. It’s been stressful.
she needs so much, and she’ll need 24hr care as she gets older.

my thinking is as she’s trusting him with fluids (food is fine, she cannot feed herself or drink herself)
and for the past 7 months he’s been reading to her every night, hoping she settles at night with him. Not sure we keep trying.
I sleep so light, every noise wakes me. I daren’t wear earplugs she’s at risk of seizures that make her choke, I’m the fastest out of bed before he’s even stirted.
professionals, yes we will need extra care in at some stage, but not yet. I was a trained carer for 12 years, I switch my work hat on. I don’t want carers in my house yet, especially at night. Makes me feel bitter that this happened to us.
plus. We don’t even qualify for care, as her needs aren’t great enough. CP, drug resistant epilepsy, GDD and the rest. Maddening

Hope it turns around and you have a lovely Mothers Day ❤️

He’s fine. He doesn’t need to go to the shops.
He just needs to mind DD tomorrow morning.

Well he needs to take dd to the shop with him. But I would not marry him.

The bar really is in hell. You take on all the mental load of planning your daughter’s care, he doesn’t even get up in the night. You do all the planning so he doesn’t have to think about things and with all that free headspace, he still cannot manage to book a restaurant or buy food for breakfast. Respond with the same energy of Father’s Day and get a bit of self-respect you deserve better.

You can still do that! Have the lay in that you very much need and deserve, he can bring you a coffee in bed and then he can nip out to the shops later and get some croissants etc as they won’t open til 10 anyway.

I'm so sorry that you and your DD have suffered in this way. Wouldn't you think the powers that be would have some compassion in situations like yours, and get it settled in a timely way!

Your DH does need to step up more - it's too much that it falls on you all the time. Could you include him in your routines with her so that it's both of you caring for her and not just you?

You will not be able to sustain this long-term. You are in it together. He needs to do his share x

This. It is crap but if he did this, that would be something.

@Screamingabdabz What on earth are you doing that, when you have breakfast in bed, you get crumbs and shit on the bedclothes?
Does someone mistake fecal matter for Nutella? Or are you having anal sex?

@Sotired007 I hope you have a lovely day and you very well might. Don't run to meet trouble.

Try not to let the ignorant posts upset you, some people just have no idea.

I am so incredibly sorry for what your DD's birth. All the difficulties you go through a hard enough, but knowing it needn't have been this way is heartbreaking. I'm sure you would get up for her every night and every early morning for the rest of your life, but you do need to keep working on it so she accepts it being him and will settle for him because you do also need to protect your own sleep health and well-being for her and yourself. I understand your nature of wanting to be in control of everything because I'm the same, but hopefully as she grows, you'll feel able to allow him to take on certain bits of responsibility and care to look after yourself.

Whatever you need tomorrow that he can do make sure he does and every other Sunday at least!!

You're most definitely be in my thoughts tomorrow🤗

I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be feeling with all that you are carrying. Are you having a Hen?

A lay in 😆. I assume you mean lie in!

Do you need specific food for breakfast? Seems a bit O.T.T. Your child is only 3 so not from her.

I bet everything I own he does hear your child wake up at night, he’s just incredibly selfish. The bar is absolutely in hell. You would be a fool to marry this man.

YANBU I’m sorry it’s disappointing.

I guess you’ll need to be very explicit (again!) next year, so it is hopefully better. Hopefully you can enjoy parts of tomorrow.

I had a surprise today. It’s my first Mother’s Day and my husband is not from the UK. He knows Mother’s Day though, but not how we approach it here I guess. I had told him I didn’t need a gift (thank you) but would really like a card. Naturally I expected him to plan for us to go somewhere for lunch / or somewhere to visit. I found out today he’s planned absolutely nothing at all!

I said it’s quite important, being a first Mother’s Day! I then had to explain the premise of the day: appreciate the mum, let her rest, feel appreciated, sort of pampered. Nice to go for lunch or to a garden or something. It seems he had no idea 🤦🏼‍♀️ he also wanted to just go out for a few hours in the afternoon and I had told explain Mother’s Day is ALL DAY. That’s why it’s called Mother’s Day, not mothers afternoon 🤣 a few hours ago he booked somewhere for lunch tomorrow. I can’t imagine where would have availability at this stage!! We’ll see…!

Does it matter what she calls it? Hardly OTT!!!

Is it too much to ask that the OP's DH treats his wife to a nice breakfast on behalf of the child who isn't old enough?

Just read all your posts and wishing you have a day as best as possible tomorrow, and that next year is planned much better 💛 xx

She's going out for dinner! It's not her birthday and she's an adult. People are too over-entitled nowadays.

Your life sounds really full-on and stressful. Personally I wouldn’t sweat the small things. Me and DH dropped the ball on loads of events when times were hard, we both forgot our anniversary, didn’t do things for our birthdays etc. I would concentrate on how he is generally as a partner and take some of the pressure off.

He’s doing a brilliant job…of convincing you that it’s the thought that counts, that he’s a nice well-meaning guy, just a bit vague and not good at organising things…

it’s bollocks. If he were really that crap, he’d never be able to hold down a job or maintain friendships. He’s perfectly capable of doing these simple things and organising his time when it matters to him

And another thing, how much effort has he really made to build that bond with his daughter and normalise Daddy doing care, so that you aren’t “the only one who can settle her” for the rest of her childhood? It’s not good enough.

I’m sure there are places that deliver breakfast.

You're exhausted. And doing amazingly. But he's also probably not at his best. It sounds like he's trying, and he's got things easier than you, and yes he could do better but it doesn't sound like he doesn't care, more like life is just a bit hectic.

And it needs reporting to 101. Just in case.

I understand that being super organised and taking control is your coping mechanism, because it's mine too. Trouble is, it makes others feel excluded and less than competent. The solution here is to learn to share the decision making, workload, emotional load. You need to enable him. You and your partner should make a conscious effort to discuss every issue as it arises where DD's care is concerned and work it out with equal responsibility. It's not just about Mother's Day, it's about sharing the load every day.

I'm the same; so used to waking up early that I can't stay in bed. My autistic son woke me up every night until he was ten years old so I understand how exhausted you are, yet I was a sahm so I didn't have the additionnal pressure of work that you have.
What saved me was napping. Still do it when needed. After lunch you tell dh to take dc and go lie down to nap. I used to sleep for an hour every day which made it possible to function for the rest of the day despite being constantly sleep deprived. Give it a try if you can't sleep in the morning.