Mother’s Day disappointment

[Sotired007]

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable, overly sensitive or just having a low day.
A month ago, partner said he was taking us out for lunch for Mother’s Day, after breakfast in bed and a chilled morning. I said to him ‘you’ll need to book somewhere soon as places will book up fast!’ He said good point he’ll get something booked.
DD is 3 and severely disabled, she wakes at 4am everyday, rarely sleeps through the night. I’m the only one that hears and the only one who can settle her. When he tries she gets more upset. So for us both to sleep, I sort it. I WFH while looking after her while DP works M-F. Exhausted is an understatement, the daily fight for support along with the medical needs, and physical exertion.

Beginning of this week I mentioned in passing I was looking forward to going out for Mother’s Day. DP said ‘oh I’ve forgot to book’ he then spent the next couple of hours ringing places, of course all booked up. 🤦‍♀️ he did apologise and said he was sorry for not sorting it out.
I then had a look and found a local restaurant had a slot but not til 7pm. I wanted to go out so I booked it. That was that.

Friday he finished early as he was going out with friends, (it’s rare either of us go out) came home just before lunch and said he was going for a nap. Ok fine, DD was at her specialist setting and I was busy working. Then he went out a few hours later.
Saturday of course, total write off for him which I expected and have no problem with.
but, I then said I was looking forward to a lay in and breakfast. He said, oh I’ll need to go out to buy all that. (On Mother’s Day!)

AIBU to think he should have bought it Friday on his way home knowing today would be a total no go for him going out?
that I had to book my own Mother’s Day meal?
that and he’ll have to go out to get breakfast and our child yet again is solely in my care when I could really just do with a rest??!

He is not a bad man, dad or partner, he is loving and kind. But sometimes, god he just doesn’t THINK!

I sleep so light, he sleeps like the dead.

Have you got stuff in for a cup of tea and toast? You can have a lie in and ask him to wake you up with a simple cup of tea. Not the point of the thread I know but I'd rather that than have to get up so he can go to the shops.

Mother’s Day has just become like everything else really. It used to be a card and a little bunch of daffodils or something. Now it’s needing a whole day breakfasts meals out expensive gifts. When you think about it it’s a bit daft really same as Father’s Day Valentine’s Day etc. Like others have said he hasn’t ruined anything yet because it hasn’t happened. Sounds like you both have it tough caring for a disabled child

Thank you!! I feel seen! 😂😂

If you have eggs, flour and milk at home he might be able to make you pancakes without needing to go to the shops? Otherwise could he take your little one with him, or would that be too difficult?

Hi OP
Have an open chat to him about why you feel disappointed and like an afterthought. Try not to listen to the calls to leave him as that's just the common extreme response to any relationship issue here.

Have a chat and explain expectations and feelings and see how you go from there. If it doesn't get better from then on you can have a think and revisit it.

Agreed.

He’s been shit. There’s no denying that but I hardly think it’s worth leaving someone for 🤣.

OP and DP are parents to a child with extremely complex needs. Are we really suggesting they should split over a shitty Mother’s Day?

But don’t let him off the hook. @Sotired007 Explain why you’re so hurt by his actions and take yourself for a nice childfree Mother’s Day breakfast tomorrow . Leave him to deal with the childcare at home!

(((Hug)))

he hasn't planned this very well, but get an Uber or Deliveroo in the morning,

Get him to do whatever you would like him to do with DD & try to relax as much as you can and enjoy your meal out (is that going to be possible with DD at 7 pm? If not cancel and get a delivery.!!)

Now and I'm definitely not'victim blaming' but you need to look at your own actions and see if there's anything you can change so that you are taking a wee step back and he's stepping up a bit.

It's hard to make suggestions when I don't know DD, or him, or you!!

It's good. He's getting up on a Sunday with her. And I understand you not being able to go back to sleep but you need to find a routine that works for you so that you are at least getting some rest. Can he take her out so the house is lovely and quiet and you're not worrying about what they're up to and bring you tea and toast in bed Before he goes

Does he do the evening bath and bedroom routines?

He definitely should've been more organised for tomorrow and it seems like choosing last night for his stag party for work wasn't the best choice of date.

He definitely needs to step up so you feel more appreciated and so he's doing of his share of the mental load as well 🤗

damn it no bread as I’m wedding weight watching 🤦‍♀️😂
to be honest yeah the more I thought about it, I just want a little me time with toast and a coffee. It’s the ooo I’m doing x y z then oh I haven’t sorted it that I thinks irked me

Ltb. No messing. Ducks in a row.

A&e now while you're at it. For good measure.

Actually, have you thought his forgetting to sort this could be early onset dementia op?

😂😂😂

I know it’s missing the point of the thread a bit but who actually likes ‘breakfast in bed’? Especially if you’ve got young children? I can’t imagine anything worse - it sounds nice but the reality of balancing a laden tray on a wobbly surface and chompsing through toast or whatever and potentially getting crumbs and shit on the bedclothes… just no thanks.

Anyhoo. The fact that you claim that you’re the ‘only one’ who can settle your child at 3 in the morning is a bullshit cover story that says he’s far more useless than this Mother’s Day narrative suggests. Bottom line is he gets a good night’s sleep every night and you don’t. He isn’t a team player and that tells you all you need to know about his care for you.

Breakfast in bed on Sunday means fuck all if he’s happy to sit back while you run yourself into the ground with exhaustion the rest of the year.

Go out for breakfast.

I feel you. I have a disabled and complex child who is 10 now, when she was 3-6yo I was exhausted constantly! I couldn't have worked on top, so wow! I was meant to be going out tonight but she has a cold and is miserable so just had a couple of drinks at home and a takeaway. Tomorrow we're not doing anything! I might have a nice long bath and some homemade cards, that's it! It's too complicated going out for dinner with my 2 younger girls.

Your fiancé has been unthoughtful and messed up. Make sure he gets up anyway, have a lie in and have brunch instead! Hugs x

Thank you
this is something that we’ve been working on, and I’ve been working on too as I do find it hard to let go. Her brain injury was caused by negligence at birth, it was very tough on us and we’ve really had to work on it.
my coping mechanism is to plan plan plan, organise and take charge and he actually doesn’t have to think about any of the daily care, he couldn’t anyway as he’s at work.
naturally someone has to be in charge but I realised a while back that it was me that was suffering. And trying to hold down a career. I’ve been slowly passing more responsibility on. She’s finally allowing him to give her fluids, she’d just fight before, so that’s taken the prsssure off.

to be honest I’d rather just snuggle with her in bed while he does the housework and brings me a brew!
that’s the only Mother’s Day I want. Not expensive gifts like some have said. Happy with a card and a cuddle

I love breakfast in bed! My DH does it for me once a month or so and definitely on Mother's Day and my birthday. We have a big tray and I've never found it particularly difficult to balance. And part of the treat is that my DH takes the kids somewhere I can't hear them.

Why do people always assume everyone feels exactly the same way they do???

In all seriousness, depending on where you there'll be some lovely places you can order breakfast from on just eat. Some may let you order now for delivery tomorrow AM. Might not be cheap but fuck it that's his problem

😂😂 now you mention it…. 🧐😂

When I say you, I mean the royal you. He can find the place, order and pay

You forgot to log it with the non-emergency police line 🤣🤣

To be fair, toast in bed is a no-no!
it must have been 20 years since I’ve had breakfast in bed!
no, a brew while I have a long shower is all I want. And not hearing the child!

im not exaggerating when I say she won’t settle. She doesn’t, she’s a brain injury and doesn’t understand. It’s me she settles for. Sometimes I bring her into bed and she finally drifts off. Can’t do that for much longer as she grows.
countless times I’ve not got up and he has and she just gets louder, gets stressed and has more seizures. It’s catch 22.
to stop that I’ll get up as many times as I need to for the rest of my life.

He doesn’t get up for his child during the night either?

tosser

The day can still be saved; yes, he's been thoughtless but if its a one-off then it probably just needs a chat where you express how that made you feel. Sounds like things are difficult and tiring and you want to feel seen with everything you give and do.

Exactly 🙌

I’m closing the thread now.
to those that have reassured me and given kind words….thank you. In this life you rarely feel seen, feel appreciated and just expected to get on with it.
so honestly, thank you. I feel better but justified in my feelings at the same time.

to those that said leave, don’t marry, or bury him… 😬😂
I think I’ll stick around thank you, and have a good chat to him when he’s alive in the morning. Stag do’s obviously kill a few brain cells…. 🤷‍♀️