To not want in laws to look after our child alone

[ChasingCarrs]

My in laws keep asking to look after our child alone.
Since our child has been born I’ve had a strained relationship with them as they barely acknowledge me or are just downright rude. They are rude as it is but never used to be this bad to me. We see them about once every 2-3 weeks and I dread it but am polite and get on with it to keep the peace.
They have had conflict with their other children’s partners in the past who now refuse to see them.
They keep asking to look after our child on their own but I’m so uncomfortable with that. My partner thinks that I am being unreasonable by not agreeing as in his eyes they are ‘not malicious’ so he feels stuck in the middle.
We both work full time which I still feel slight guilt for as our child is in daycare all week. and so I want to make the most of the time that I do get with my child - they will be starting school later this year.
They don’t respect our boundaries and when we say we don’t use certain outdated / offensive words they will huff or argue with that infront of our child. As well as boundaries around food, and when we do say something they will respond with something along the lines of “well it never did me any harm”.
They don’t respect our child’s boundaries if they don’t want to be forced to kiss them goodbye for instance. I find my FIL creepy too but not sure how to say that to my husband without him taking it badly.
My husband is keen to appease his parents and I would love for us to all get on and them be great role models but I can’t shift the feeling of uncomfortableness. I know this can’t be easy for my husband either but I feel he is only focusing on their needs.

YNBU, they are your children and it’s up to you

That's very tough on all involved. They don't have an automatic right to time alone with your child but you should try to facilitate their having time with child and dad.

The child is also her husband's child?

Unless you have reason to think they’d harm or neglect you child then I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable. They’re your child’s grandparents. It’s good to get a break, have some willing baby sitters! Doesn’t have to be overnight or anything.

And it seems they did an OK job with your husband.

Why should OP facilitate the in laws having time with their own child? They’re all grown ups.

What are you specifically concerned will happen to your child if left alone with them? Then use this as a basis for discussion with your DH. Vague 'they make me feel uncomfortable' 'the have different boundaries' are not helpful, you need concrete concerns to help DH see it from your perspective. Then get him to visit in laws with your child, so they still have contact.

It’s up to you but I assume you don’t let your own parents have alone time as well as that would be very unfair

This is really simple. It doesn’t matter what your partner thinks. If you don’t trust them to look after child alone, and they can’t respect boundaries, then they don’t get the privilege.

MIL doesn’t look after our children unsupervised because she tells little white lies, doesn’t respect boundaries, is incredibly lackadaisical and I can’t trust her.

So she doesn’t, and only my mum does 🤷‍♀️ Behaviour has consequences.

It’s not unfair at all if one set of parents is untrustworthy 🤷‍♀️

Unfair to who?

The FIL insists on giving unwanted kisses. Should the op and her dc accept this?

This. God forbid dad has a say.
If you really do have (proper legitimate) concerns about the child’s safety if they were to be looked after by MIL, then you need to tell your husband.

If those legitimate concerns don’t really exist beyond some vague sense of ‘you just don’t feel comfortable’, then you are being unreasonable, and I suspect this is more that you don’t have a good relationship with them, therefore feel territorial about your daughter, and don’t want them to have the pleasure of spending time with the child.

They brought the son up that you fell in love with. Speak up about actual concerns, or, stop with the silliness.

How old are the DC? Mine is under 2 and I've said no solo time until he's able to speak in sentences and "look after" himself. My mum is desperate to whisk him away and my dad too, though less verbal about it.

I think if it doesn't sit well with you, don't give in because it'll be nigh on impossible to go back without a huge fall out.

What does your DH think about your specific concerns and how to deal with them? Is he just happy for his parents to do what they like and you'll deal with the consequences of that when you get DC back?

Tell your husband you have made your decision but you’d be happy to review it in the event of his parents beginning to treat you with respect and adhering to your boundaries. That will put the responsibility back on his parents, or him if he decides he wants to challenge them.

Your child, your rules.

Your little one is in day care all week, the weekends are your time. Plus the fact that they want your child, without you being there, is enough to put anyone off.

If they want a little one to play with, they can apply to be foster parents, otherwise, no. They have no respect, are rude and don't respect boundaries.

Would you leave your child with a childminder who did that? Of course you wouldn't. Explain this to your dh.

Tbh, the children belong to both parents, so a compromise needs to be made between mum and dad.

You really don't need to be fair to grown ups. Being fair to your dd is all that matters.. She can still have a relationship with her dgps with you /dh around!! She needs to be safe. Not manhandled by fil . Not in the care of those who won't accept we don't still sleep dc on their fronts or in a pram down the garden. Safety measures have changed. Until they acknowledge that why risk it? My ils didn't have our dc one until we divorced and youngest was 3...think upstairs windows open and fil' s pills lying around..

Pretty sure it takes both man and woman to make a baby.

But alas, in true MN style, women pop themselves up on that parenting pedestal. My child, my rules, I’m the mother, I’m a woman, I gave birth, it’s my child, what my partner thinks and feels doesn’t really matter, it’s my child, I’m the mother.

Until the relationship breaks down of course, then posters will be met with a chorus of ‘why should mothers be the primary parent’, ‘oh god what a cunt your husband is, it’s his child too’, ‘tell him he needs to step up’.

Madness.

It does matter what her partner thinks, he is an equal parent with an equal say. So they need to agree a plan together which both happy with, which has children's needs at the centre.

I am definitely not a fan of my MIL, and I think the feeling is mutual. But my girls adore her and she takes good care of them, so they spend lots of time with her.
This discussion is solely about whether DD gains or looses by spending time alone with their grandparents

@Evaka they do see our child and my husband without me, if that’s what you mean? Sometimes we see them all together and sometimes just my husband and child.

@Bushmillsbabe & @MyUmberSeal I have discussed lots of specific examples with my husband, I hadn’t written them all in my OP as was trying to keep some anonymity. He is aware of a lot of these himself too but dismisses them, because it’s his parents.
My husband does have a say, hence this post and me struggling with the situation and asking for advice.
It’s not more about me not having a good relationship with them, there are plenty of reasons as above, however yes that is a factor given they are rude to me - I don’t want my child seeing their parent treated like that either.

@Boredlass I do let one of my parents look after my child, and the other absolutely not because they are dangerous. Is that fair?

@TheJollyMoose thank you, how is your partner about your child/ren not seeinf MIL unsupervised? I know this isn’t easy for him and I hate to have this feeling around it but I don’t think I should dismiss my own feelings either for the sake of the grandparents needs.

@PickledElectricity they are 3, they are very good at communicating however the grandparents have told them to keep secrets before (in front of me) - my child tells them we don’t do that. Yes my husband is just happy to deal with it afterwards. He is now saying he will talk to them about it, I am worried but can’t see it being any worse. The grandparents have cut off their other children’s partners too because of issues they have had with them.

@LurkyMcLurkinson thank you, that has been my stance up until now. He is going to try and address it with them.

@Meadowfinch thank you, yes I think the fact they have specifically asked (when I wasn’t there) to have my child on their own is unnecessary. And people don’t seem to get that I would like to spend time with my own child when I’m not at work, I don’t feel the need to hand them off to babysitters for no reason!
The childminder analogy is a really good point thank you.

You say that the grandparents have cut off the other children's partners? How have their children responded to this? Cut them off too? Your partners priorities should be his child first, then you and his parents after that, it does sound like he needs to review these? Unfortunately sons in particular sometimes seem to be immune to seeing the faults of their mum's, possibly because the behaviours you are concerned about, he also had during his childhood and he has survivor bias 'I turned out fine so what's the problem'.

Not an easy one, but hope you manage to work through it in a way you, your child and DH are all happy with

YANBU at all. And your DH isn't "stuck in the middle", he's choosing to allow his parents to be rude to his wife, in front of her children, so they will grow up thinking that is an acceptable way to treat her/women.

The compromise others are so desperate for you to make is that your PIL only see your children with you present. Especially given your concerns about your FIL and the fact that they don't respect your children's physical boundaries. And I'd limit the time to once a month.

YANBU

You have clearly explained why these people are unsuitable to look after your child alone, and it’s interesting that other family members have no contact with them.

I agree with @LurkyMcLurkinson post. This should show DH you aren’t giving a blanket no! Never! But chances are they are not going to behave acceptably.

You and DH need to really converse and agree your stance on this.

They don’t respect our boundaries
we say we don’t use certain outdated / offensive words they will huff or argue with that infront of our child.
As well as boundaries around food, and when we do say something they will respond with something along the lines of “well it never did me any harm”.
They don’t respect our child’s boundaries if they don’t want to be forced to kiss them goodbye

This BS of it never did me any harm, er well yes it did. Misogynistic old pig for one, and probably a load of other issues to boot.

All of this is troublesome. and as such id agree needs addressing or else youre exposing your kids to it, ergo telling your DC, these actions are ok, acceptable, not breaking the cycle, but the GP wont change just because you want them too, so if the DH is not on board with standing his ground with his parents, you have a battle.

That's where I'd start, you and DH have to be on the same page, with an agreed approach, then takes it public.

I would let my child spend time with a creepy FIL who doesn’t respect my child’s boundaries without me being there the whole time.

Absolutely not.

Re-think having any more children with a weak man who doesn't respect what you want.

Do not allow this.
Push back hard and do not be bullied by your husband.

Weak men are so unattractive.