To not want in laws to look after our child alone

[ChasingCarrs]

My in laws keep asking to look after our child alone.
Since our child has been born I’ve had a strained relationship with them as they barely acknowledge me or are just downright rude. They are rude as it is but never used to be this bad to me. We see them about once every 2-3 weeks and I dread it but am polite and get on with it to keep the peace.
They have had conflict with their other children’s partners in the past who now refuse to see them.
They keep asking to look after our child on their own but I’m so uncomfortable with that. My partner thinks that I am being unreasonable by not agreeing as in his eyes they are ‘not malicious’ so he feels stuck in the middle.
We both work full time which I still feel slight guilt for as our child is in daycare all week. and so I want to make the most of the time that I do get with my child - they will be starting school later this year.
They don’t respect our boundaries and when we say we don’t use certain outdated / offensive words they will huff or argue with that infront of our child. As well as boundaries around food, and when we do say something they will respond with something along the lines of “well it never did me any harm”.
They don’t respect our child’s boundaries if they don’t want to be forced to kiss them goodbye for instance. I find my FIL creepy too but not sure how to say that to my husband without him taking it badly.
My husband is keen to appease his parents and I would love for us to all get on and them be great role models but I can’t shift the feeling of uncomfortableness. I know this can’t be easy for my husband either but I feel he is only focusing on their needs.

OP has said that one of her parents has alone time with OP's child, while the other isn't allowed due to their behaviour so she isn't being unfair. OP's PILs are determined to disregard and cross all OP's boundaries and make that very clear but still expect to be able have unsupervised time with their grandchild. Maybe if they stop being rude to OP, stop using unacceptable language (which I assume could be possibly racist/sexist) and don't deliberately feed her child things that she doesn't want them to have, OP would be open to them have alone time with her child. It's in their hands.

No it's not unfair. She might trust her parents with her child. People are different. Example what if one set if grandparents neglected their own child when they were little and didn't look after them properly and the other set were good parents. Would you still say it's unfair the ones who were neglectful parents didn't get to have their grandchildren alone? It doesn't have to be equal just because they are both grandparents.

Also her DH child

thank you, how is your partner about your child/ren not seeinf MIL unsupervised? I know this isn’t easy for him and I hate to have this feeling around it but I don’t think I should dismiss my own feelings either for the sake of the grandparents needs.

He completely understands and agrees. We’re very close to her and love MIL, but we can’t trust our kids with her so she doesn’t get to see them unsupervised.

Our kids are his priority, not his mum.

Somehow it almost always the mother’s in-laws who are untrustworthy 🤔. Is there a predisposition for untrustworthy women to birth boys?

Also @Ilovecakey

No it is not always this way. I allowed my husband’s parents to look after our children but not mine. With good reason.

No idea.

I just know that mine tells little white lies and is way too lackadaisical to be safe with them, so I don’t allow her to be alone with them.

My mum, on the other hand, is incredibly trustworthy and even when she doesn’t agree with certain things she respects me enough to do them.

Not always, no, but the overwhelming pattern. Nothing like 50/50. So what explains the disproportionate likelihood that a woman’s in-laws will be the untrustworthy ones?

And yet it’s perfectly natural that you would trust your own mother more than other adults who you are only connected to through marriage. Can you reflect at all on this?

The more someone demanded unsupervised access to my child the more my response would be hell no

My MIL is great and I trust her 100% with my dc. Don't generalise. People who have great relationships with their Mil don't make threads about it so that's why you only hear about problems with Mils.

OPs on here are always being told to trust their instincts and gut feelings about people in relation to their DC. Why is this OP being treated differently? The obvious disrespect the in-laws show for OP's boundaries and her DC's would ring alarm bells for me. She should not be expected to hand over her child to other people just because they want the child. Stick to your guns OP, you feel discomfort with the idea so trust it. Can you just keep going with DC on visits to Pils? if they want more, bat it away.

Do FILs push for unsupervised access as much as MILs? I suspect no hence the number of posts about MILs pushing for this will be greater.

I think that the other siblings and partners not allowing contact is a major red flag and it sounds like the h is putting his head in sand because he’s been conditioned to overlook his parents’ behaviour and can’t cope with OP shining a light with the truth. It sounds like he just wants the pressure from his mum to stop rather than thinking that she is a good grandmother for the child.

There’s been plenty of stories where the woman iS the one overlooking her parents’ behaviour and minimising because of some weird notion that kids have a right to know their extended family when they should be protected from harmful people. I assume that the “words” are racist/homophobic sort of thing which isn’t acceptable at all.

Oh come on, are you seriously trying to claim there is not a widespread, general pattern of the maternal GP having much more access to the grandchildren/ being trusted more with the grandchildren?
Of course it’s not always the case, just the overwhelming norm.

Why? We’re talking about a child not apple pie! These people, relatives or not, may not be suitable caregivers. I’m personally all for following any kind of vague feeling of being uncomfortable around people that may be responsible for your child.

OP, could you maybe start with short periods of you and your DH popping out for an hour and see how you feel? Perhaps you could build up to it. But honestly if you’re not comfortable, then you don’t leave them with them. They don’t have the right to time alone with your child.

Yes because the mothers are much more likely to trust their own mother. This isn’t rocket science, nor is it a conspiracy.

So you let one of your parents have your child but none of his? That is a bit unfair you are making things really awkward for him and in his eyes he can see one of your parents having your child but yet none of his can, he will be torn in two I feel for him.

They keep asking to look after our child on their own but I’m so uncomfortable with that.

Mine too. What makes you uncomfortable specifically?

For me, it's that my in-laws are in poor health and fitness, they would struggle to pick up my children, to get down to the floor to attend to their needs/play/change nappies/lift in and out the cot/manage a choking incident etc etc.

Ultimately, it's to keep them and our children equally safe that we say no. We have discussed it with them, they know this. When our children are bigger and more independent, aware of and mindful of the limitations of their grandparents, that's when we'll say yes.

I assume that this is because one of OP's parents is shit and can't be trusted to look after their child but both of her DH's parents are shit and can't be trusted to look after their child.

Maybe her DH can speak to his parents about their rudeness to his wife, their inappropriate language and refusal to follow their lead in relation to what they are feeding their child.

Just say no. You don't need or want them to provide childcare and you don't feel comfortable leaving your child alone with them. You're the parent, you don't need to justify your parenting decisions.

I think you will eventually need to let go a bit. I know that’s hard, I struggled with it too.

Unless you have concerns for their safety, then you shouldn’t gatekeep your children.

It would be a shame for the children to not have a close relationship with their grandparents just because you don’t particularly like or get on with them.

Exactly. That’s my point.
It’s got nothing to do with who is objectively more trustworthy.
And this is why it’s important for people to be self reflective and work on their relationships with their in-laws, instead of just assuming their personal biases and prejudices are reflective of facts.
Blending families is always complicated and these relationships are rarely easy. But your partner and your children and their parents/ grandparents all deserve their own independent relationships with each other and shouldn’t all be held hostage to your personal prejudice.

If they want to have him alone they need to respect your boundaries and wishes as a parent. I wouldn't trust them either. Yanbu.

My mum's dead so Mil is the only grandparent we have. Luckily she's wonderful and my dc love her and so do I.
I don't like the "access" terminology- children are not objects and I think it depends on their relationship with the gp as well as the gp's suitability whether they see their dc often or not. Many Mils have problematic relationships with their Dils who can never be good enough for their DS. So if the Mil-Dil relationship is skewed that can explain why the GC is seeing the maternal gp more since women are the main organisers of the dc's activities.

Sure. But on the rare occasions my children have been hurt in her care, she tells me straight away. MIL does not. She lies and I find out through the kids.

If my mum doesn’t want to do something, she will tell me and I will work around it. MIL will agree, then go and do it anyway telling the kids “mummy doesn’t need to know”.

MIL thinks little white lies don’t matter, so I know I cannot trust her. If she can’t tell the truth about the small stuff, why would she about the big stuff?