To not want in laws to look after our child alone

[ChasingCarrs]

My in laws keep asking to look after our child alone.
Since our child has been born I’ve had a strained relationship with them as they barely acknowledge me or are just downright rude. They are rude as it is but never used to be this bad to me. We see them about once every 2-3 weeks and I dread it but am polite and get on with it to keep the peace.
They have had conflict with their other children’s partners in the past who now refuse to see them.
They keep asking to look after our child on their own but I’m so uncomfortable with that. My partner thinks that I am being unreasonable by not agreeing as in his eyes they are ‘not malicious’ so he feels stuck in the middle.
We both work full time which I still feel slight guilt for as our child is in daycare all week. and so I want to make the most of the time that I do get with my child - they will be starting school later this year.
They don’t respect our boundaries and when we say we don’t use certain outdated / offensive words they will huff or argue with that infront of our child. As well as boundaries around food, and when we do say something they will respond with something along the lines of “well it never did me any harm”.
They don’t respect our child’s boundaries if they don’t want to be forced to kiss them goodbye for instance. I find my FIL creepy too but not sure how to say that to my husband without him taking it badly.
My husband is keen to appease his parents and I would love for us to all get on and them be great role models but I can’t shift the feeling of uncomfortableness. I know this can’t be easy for my husband either but I feel he is only focusing on their needs.

MN is predominantly women commenting.
People commenting will predominantly be doing so because they are having problems.
Many women in MN complain about their own mothers.

so no I don’t think there is any disproportionate number of problematic Mothers of men

In my experience grandparents do lots of things less than ideally (lots of junk food, hours and hours of screen time and occasional prejudiced views) but I accept they're from a different generation and it's worth it for the relationship. I figure they love the kids and my parenting balances out any overindulgence and old-fashioned views from them.

However, no one should get away with being consistently rude to you. I'd forgive once, maybe twice but no more. It sounds a bit of a red flag to the ILs' behaviour that multiple other partners have cut them off. I'd consider if you and your partner are allowing more disrespect to you than is actually acceptable. Your child maybe can have a relationship with them, even when you don't but, if they're actually just terrible, you do need to limit the contact.

YANBU If you feel uncomfortable dont leave your child alone with them
Its totally fine to protect your chidren
They are weird to keep asking a 3 year old too
My inlaws never looked after our children alone as I didnt trust them for good reason
My mother picked up from school but at a much older age as she is pretty dippy and unsafe

The fact they are so persistent and the unwanted kisses gives me bad vibes

They are disrespectful of you and rude towards you in front of your child - they are setting a poor example to your child.

They are forcing your child to kiss them when your child does not want to - they are setting a poor example to your child by showing them that ‘no’ does not mean ‘no. This is not okay.

“It never did us any harm”

Eurgh, really? Seatbelts weren’t around in their day. Did it do them any harm? Probably not. But they’re still a good idea and we ought to use them.

You also don’t have to spend time with people you don’t like. Your IL’s sound unpleasant. They brought up their own child with their own rules, this are your child and your rules, they ought to respect those.

Your OH needs to be clear that you are a team not pandering to his parents. He also needs to be setting a better example to his child by calling out the rudeness and disrespect and the inappropriate language. He also needs to stand up for his child and not allow grown adults to force unwanted affection on his them, it’s poor parenting.

Them: “Our generation of parents did x,y,z and it never did any harm”

Reply: “Your generation also sat children in front of the telly to watch Jimmy Savile have children sit on his lap” ….

I agree with this. You see it so much on here, even in cases where the OP makes no mention of their in laws incapabilities or untrustworthiness, but still doesn’t want them alone with ‘her’ baby, yet is quite happy to leave baby with her own parents.

Your be on mums net in a few year asking why they wont help you out with free child care.

This,
Time and time again.

I have similar with my in laws they want my 1 year old alone but physically they’re not great, they don’t respect boundaries and my husband has told me about some bad experiences he had as a child (2 occasions of physical violence as a teen towards him when he “made” his dad cross).
The difference for me though is DH respects my feelings on the matter even if he doesn’t necessarily agree (which is hard for me to understand but I guess it’s hard when they’re your parents).
I think getting on the same page as your DH is key here- make it about your concerns for your child and not your personally feelings on them. I would lay out your concerns matter of fact and what the possible consequences could be for your child.
I think there is nothing wrong with family visits either, I never really had alone time with grandparents and I had a lovely relationship with.

It is absolutely OPs prerogative to gatekeep her children. She has described the issues with PiLs behaviour and if they are prepared to behave like they do in front of her, they may be worse when she’s not around.

There are red flags around their insistence of having the kids without her and their inability to behave in a civilised manner towards OP.

I love when the posts like this come it's always the in-laws but I bet you'll happily leave baby with yours it's his baby Too why can't his parents have a visit?

A man therefore will be more likely to trust his mother, ditto rocket science. He would be totally correct to allow his child to be alone with his parents, it's as much his decision as the mother's. Maybe he doesn't trust his MIL to care for his child!

And of course the OP's version of her relationship with her in laws is 100% accurate!

This is such a short thread but you haven't even bothered to read OP's updates. She won't leave her baby with one of her parents.

I'm assuming that OP's other parent doesn't use offensive language and doesn't ignore OP and her DH's instructions relating to the food their baby can eat and isn't rude to OP's DH.

I won’t comment on the debates that are going off on tangent as I can’t tell if people are talking about their own situations or incorrectly assuming inaccurate details of mine but interesting to see the divide and opinions and other issues people are dealing with.

It’s helpful to hear others experiences of similar situations to mine and how they have been handled and resolved, so thank you for those. My head is a mess right now but I’m addressing it with my partner.

@bringmerain
“Your be on mums net in a few year asking why they wont help you out with free child care.”
I’m not sure your response was for me but if it was, I’m grateful you took the time to give me a free unwarranted premonition. I’ve managed to pay for full time childcare for the past 2.5 years and I am sure I’ll manage the next 6 months

That's perfectly reasonable as long as you don't let your parents look after your child on their own! In my experience the Wife's parents are usually a lot worse than the husbands but women tend to wear rose tinted glasses!

Bloody hell another fucking "we don't do secrets" snowflakes!
Unless your child knows every thing you do in life including when you have sex you have secrets!
Your child will be that one at school that ruins surprises for everyone else!

Yes but OP has decided her DH’s parents can’t see the child alone, so he gets to make the same decision about her parents if he wands to. He’s also allowed to put her in the middle of any issues.

What an odd comment. Are you accusing OP of lying?

@CosyLemur & @brunettemic
I’ve already written that I don’t let one of my parents see my child at all because they are dangerous. Of course if my husband had any issues with my family he would raise them and I have and would take him seriously.

@CosyLemur you seem very angry, are you ok?
Would it be terrible that any child ‘ruin the surprise’ for an adult who tells them to keep a secret after abusing them?
Sad isn’t it that us snowflakes have to teach our children to protect themselves from adults.

What an extremely odd thing to say.

I find it extremely difficult to understand all these pushy grandparents trying to force time alone, sleepovers etc.

Surely this type of thing just evolves over time if the parents and child are happy to do so but isn’t a given right of passage.

I can understand if you work full time you then want to spend time with your child yourself at the weekends.

If you all see each other, which you do, they do spend time with their GC. Why does it need to be specifically without you the parents there. It may evolve in time, but why does it need to be something that’s especially planned to give this one to one time for grandparents when they’ve had their time previously one to one with their own children. This is now your time with your child.

Yanbu but I think you and OH need to be on the same page about this and a discussion is required where you refer to specific concerns you have not just vague stuff about boundaries and appropriateness.
‘I’m worried about them using racist/homophobic language in front of DC and they might copy it’.
‘They are quite rude and dismissive towards me and I don’t want DC thinking that’s ok’.
’They force DC to give cuddles when they don’t want to’.
Make it clear to him that you are not ruling out them caring for DC alone but you’d rather work up to it by spending more time together with one or both of you present. In fact it’s better if it both of you so he can see their behaviour and not claim it’s your imagination or your overreaction.

Fuck them they sound like fucking arseholes - keep away and stand firm.