Calling my unborn baby they/them

[Irish24]

I am keeping the gender a surprise and the amount of people that are confused when I refer to the baby as they/them’ is starting to aggravate me. I don’t like referring to them as ‘it’ or just ‘baby’. They/them is a word and has been going around for centuries. It also is a singular pronoun and does not always mean multiple. My friends say they can’t get their head around it. I don’t understand. I know they/them is a controversial topic these days and more people are perhaps finding out the gender. I still don’t find it confusing at all and it never even occurred to me that it would be. Anyone else experienced this or am I being over dramatic here? It’s just tiresome having to constantly explain to people, I don’t know the gender so that’s why I’m calling the baby ‘them/they’

YANBU, OP.

Some on here really do need to educate themselves on grammar and history it seems. They (oops) are showing themselves up, majorly.

I care about lots of things too. It’s not odd to try and talk about those sort of things with colleagues to try and please them. I don’t think OP is worried about her family/friends more work colleagues and acquaintances. I’m sure you are very loving and thoughtful.

I agree with you op. I often use they or them to refer to a person where I do not know their gender. I also sometimes use they/them where i am emailing someone about someone but am keeping them anonymise. This includes at my work. I think it's normal English.

In each of your examples, you have first made a statement about a single baby, so it's not really confusing.

If she said, "Oh, they are really kicking a lot today" that's a totally different story.

It really isn't. It's the third person plural - so used for a group of people or archaically as a formal means of referring to someone important. Usage allows us to say 'they/them' if someone is so distant in space that their sex cannot be determined.
Currently it has been used to designate someone who thinks they are non-binary - whatever that means since sex is binary.
We get tangled in English because we gave up using the familiar singular pronoun (thou) c. 400 years ago and use the second person plural (you) on all occasions (so as not to be rude: 'thou me no thous' - thou was not only used as the familiar but also to an inferior). Hence we now muddle up he/she/it and they. They is the plural of he/she/it.

You dont know the gender, know the sex

It’s quite shocking tbh. And to be called an ‘attention seeker’ just for not finding out our baby’s sex/gender whatever you want to call it is absolute madness. People really need to take a long hard look at themselves.

“Someone ate the last of the pizza, they must have been hungry”

Obviously any reasonable person would assume this person was talking about a set of twins 😌

Why can’t she just say they/them?

Yes it’s been stated on the main post and multiple times throughout this thread

Because saying the baby all the times is tiresome and clunky and saying baby sounds twee they is perfectly acceptable and easier than saying he/she or baby all the time

Oh, for fuck sake. Insufferable

Exactly. Imagine listening to someone talk like this

“The baby keeps kicking, the baby must be getting a good size now because the baby’s feet are digging right into my ribs”

”The baby is getting huge, their kicks are getting painful now.”

The second person in this scenario? Attention seeker. Plain and simple.

Too much drama. You’re having a baby, not reinventing the wheel 🙄

When I worked at a university that implemented a new student records system in 1998, the field for sex was called 'Gender' and had two options, male and female. Sex and gender meant the same thing then and can still do so now.

But as I said, you tend to refer to someone more specifically before refering to them by a pronoun.

If you said "They're kicking more than usual" with no other context and to a complete stranger, then yes, maybe they'd think you were referring to twins. But generally that's not going to be the case.

OP you do sound like you’re being quite precious. In reality, most people apart from very close family probably don’t really care on the gender of your baby.
They/them will probably confuse people to believe it’s a multiple pregnancy. I didn’t find out the gender of ds2 until later on in the pregnancy. Up until then referred to him as the baby.

Its completely up to you on how you refer to your child but I wouldn’t waste your headspace worrying on how other people do.

OK.So we are taking all the meaning of the English language from some academics in 1375. No more new words, no change of meaning in 650 years . OK. Good to know.
"They and them " has been a plural in almost everyones minds for centuries. You want to change that relying on some academic from 600 years ago "Yeah thee". What an odd thing to pretend about. BTW the only one I can find is Oxford ( captured)

Sorry - I meant to reply to the post above yours!

Rubbish.
"If someone wants my leftover soup they're welcome to it"

They and them had always been used for a person of unspecified sex.

"When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions!"

but don't be too impressed, I just googled it! 😂

I think this is partly why we give our babies nicknames before they are born, so we can avoid overly using pronouns. 'It' feels impersonal like the baby is an object. They/ them while it can be a stand in for he/she has connotations of non binary and feels a bit like making a statement over the baby's gender. Some people can use they with ease as a third person singular, some people find it trips them up and it doesn't come naturally. Pick a nickname, save the confusion.

They/them is utter shite. Use "the baby" as all other normal people do until you know the sex.

Excellent thread. Total non-issue, surely?

I’m expecting a baby today. I don’t know the sex. I don’t care if “he/she/they/it/baby” are used. Neither does anyone else. It hasn’t caused any issues at all.

If anyone is confused by your use of “they”, and you are adamant about using “they”, then I presume it takes less than ten seconds to iron out any confusion? Try not to get too wound up - it’s bad for them!

This thread is absolutely bonkers… and peak mumsnet 🤣
I have just had my second baby, DH and I didn’t find out the gender (sorry, sex!) with either pregnancy, and it was a nice ‘surprise’ at the birth for us. Do we think we’re special or ‘reinventing the wheel’? No, I was actually under the impression that it was a perfectly normal choice not to be told whether baby was a boy or a girl, as was the case in many years honestly by when finding out wasn’t an option anyway!
With that being said, I also called both my babies they/them before I knew if they were a boy or a girl. We got the occasional ‘they?! You’re having twins??’ comment but they were few and far between.