To have this reaction to Netflix’s Adolescence

[Marigoldsold]

This show has really got me and I can’t stop thinking about it.

A show about a murder of a young girl by a young boy.

I have cried over it , I have a little boy myself - I have gone and cuddled him tight after it. The scene at the end , the very last one … I cried like a baby.

What shocked me is that those tears and sadness was for the boy. The murderer.

I don’t think that he didn’t do it , or that the victim deserved it ( obviously ! ) . I don’t think he shouldn’t be in prison etc .

I feel desperately sad that a little boy , who slept with a Teddy , liked drawing and had child’s wallpaper on his walls ended up doing that. That after he did it and his dad knew .. he still reached out to him for comfort. That he was a child .

I think it’s really opened my eyes . We always hear of horrible crimes and pray our child will never be that poor victim and do whatever we can to prevent that. But we never sit and think that actually it could be our child who does that and that is also something we could prevent and should be trying to .

i think it’s the fact the show focused on the murderer rather than the victim and that it wasn’t a child who had been abused and neglected , it wasn’t a child that had had a bad life , it wasn’t a child that was so called “ born evil , it wasn’t a child that had psychotic tendencies or was a ‘ psychopath ‘ .. he was a normal child.

But we never sit and think that actually it could be our child who does
This is part of the problem though. No hate to op, obviously this was an extreme case and maybe that’s what you mean. But MN is full of abusive, or lazy DHs, absent dads and abused women. Statistically some (many?) of us are raising men who will act the same when they’re older. That doesn’t just happen when they become adults. We should be thinking about what they are capable of and how we (mums and dads) can raise good men. I am slightly surprised that people haven’t been thinking about this. I mean maybe not to the extreme of this program, but certainly considering what we’re modelling, what he’s learning, how he acts and what kindof teenager, boyfriend, partner, husband, friend, colleague etc your son will be and how he treats and will treat women around him.

And you can have an amazing mum but a prick of a dad who teaches that boy about women and how to treat them or one that fucks off and the kid is messed up and thinks women are to be treated like shit.

Blaming mothers for our current situation is a cop out. It’s a mixture of parenting and society. I’ve met one mother who you described above and her son hasn’t turned out as an arsehole towards women, he’s arrogant but he’s arrogant towards everyone. This suggestion that ‘boy mums’ (which is a hideous phrase for what you are referring to) are to blame for the current state we find ourselves in is yet another way to make women to blame for men’s shitty behaviour. Fucks sakes, do better.

This is what I true to highlight earlier- people will say they’re affected but they won’t act on it. They will do nothing and hope it works out just fine rather than be proactive.

Correct but pointing out that some mums are “boy mums” doesn’t negate any of that. Some mothers do favour boys more putting them on a pedestal and many of them scare me because they will excuse anything done by their sons.

I’ve worked with 5 teen boys who murdered , one who rsped , only one was an out and out psychopath who will need a lot of help and supervision in the future, the rest were naughty but “Normal” kids from decent homes , nothing odd or evil , I’ve often pondered in what makes a child go “bad” and it’s not simple
the siblings of these murderers turned out ok so why them ?

id like to see a lots more proper research done , there is a lot of bollocks about parenting styles like gentle parenting smacking , screen time , we need proper research into what makes a child a racist, past , murderer incel and then more research into how to cure them when they are in prison

What scares me is all the comments on social media (mostly from men but not exclusively) about how this boy just snapped because he was bullied by the girl, with the usual disclaimer that of course she didn't deserve to die.....
Also lots of people claiming that the show is about toxic feminism and the effect it's having on boys, I have stopped reading comments at this stage, but it's scary the way people's minds work.

Well mostly what scares me is the men who rape and sexually assault and domestically abuse and murder women and the other men who let them or encourage them to do that and the men who have those views of which there are many and those that are raising our boys and targeting our boys via video games and online and porn genres.

That scares me a fuck of a lot more than a handful of women who also put boys on a pedestal. Women have their part to play in this, but I think it’s shocking that you’re pointing your finger at a few women who parent a certain way when there is a much bigger problem here and it has a penis (and god knows how they were raised and who they married, but you obviously don’t care about that even though the chances are the eh have a husband who treats them and their daughters like doormats and encourages the mother to behave that way).

We as women do need to work to change society and how we parent, but you’re blaming a tiny group and acting like they’re the biggest issue here.

Also this is the context of a thread about mums discussing hot this program makes them feel for their sons if it was a dad I’d point out the dads who favour and perpetuate poor male behaviour.
The fact is I’ve seen some women more sad their son has been accused of SA than their daughters who have experienced it but that might be because of the culture my parents are from.

You’re determined aren’t you? To make women solely to blame for shitty male behaviour?

It’s hideous.

That scares me too. Pointing out that these mums scare me does not negate that especially on the context of this thread.

I was touched up at a party at university when I was young and half asleep in a student house. When I finally told my mum she said oh ffs why didn't you slap him or push him off you.

Not a single bit of outrage or nasty words did she say towards the man that did it - she victim blamed her daughter.

You can protest all you like but plenty of women perpetuate the problem by not calling men out. Woman can indeed add to the problem of male behaviour.

Edit and my mother wasn't a boy, mum, she only had daughters.

I actually disagree. When you’re using phrases like ‘boy mums’ I think it does negate a lot of things. It’s blaming and degrading.

No I determined to explain myself which I’ve done. Where have I ever said women are solely to blame? Are you perhaps not reading what I’ve said? I can’t think of another explanation here.

Women are not solely or even mostly to blame. Some women do support and encourage terrible behaviour in their sons. Both can be true at once…

Quite and i've never said women are to blame either. They have been known to perpetuate or add to the problem.

I disagree, I think it is a useful and quick term for those who have been hurt by such behaviour.

Except I have said that women are to blame as well. I have said that many times. There are a lot of dangerous women out there who feel this way. But perpetuating this by saying ‘boy mums’ doesn’t help. That’s not how you affect change.

As a fellow victim, I’m very sorry that happened to you.

Not in the slightest, but if you wish to contribute to perpetuate the problem then you go ahead.

@HMPworker we are in similar roles. I hope the show didn't have a negative effect on you. The episode with the psychologist was so similar to my reality.
I do think that the effect of the show would be less so had Jamie been a black boy from a council estate. That he was a white boy from a nice family, that's shaken people up

Thank you for a moment I thought I was in the twilight zone. On a thread with a mother of a son acknowledging that some women idolise their sons and dismiss poor behaviour does not negate the much larger and terrible influence of many men….

It’s a well used term on social media . We often use these terms to be easily understood and done people do get it. I’m sorry the term offends you as that wasn’t the intention.

I don't find your reaction odd because I think that's the point of the show. They say very little about his victim and what they do say doesn't show her in a positive light. The show is sad all round, the disconnect, the lack of hope - I found the school scenes horrendous.

I think it's lazy to paint abusers, murderers, rapists as one dimensional monsters or psychopaths.

The series has really affected me. I can't shake it off and I know I'm not unusual. It's very uncomfortable because it gets rid of this concept of "them' or being safe through precautions.

I was quite young (not a child but a teen) when I had it explained to me that most sexual abusers were abused themselves. It was a horrendous realisation. I can still remember being told and the feelings of anger, hatred, pity and yes fear running through me as it dawned on me that my moral fibres weren't really my making but good fortune.

What problem? The problem of sisters treated unfairly as compared to their brothers? The problem of mothers excusing all their sons poor behaviour? Or the problem that I used a common term people use to describe these behaviours?

Ah Yes, social media that absolute cess pit which is causing a lot of the issues our young people are having - let’s all go with what that says.

It’s a terrible phrase which doesn’t help the situation. I have repeated many times that women are also to blame and there are a lot of dangerous opinions held by women. By saying things like ‘boy mums’ only helps to support those dangerous opinions and perpetuates the idea that men have no fault in how their sons are raised. It’s dangerous terminology and social media is not helping.

Yes both can be true. I think anger towards men, mysogyny and social inequalities is justified but it's also frustrating because it leaves us feeling more helpless, actually asking the question of what can we change about ourselves is important.

I don't think it's fair to lay it all at the door of boy mums. The show didn't seem to show that angle either.

I think what it showed is that boys learn behaviour from other boys and what girls are expected to put up with.

Of course boy mums have a role, same as boy dads. But there is so much we don't know about our kids. In the show, the parents acknowledged they didn't know what their son was doing in his room on the computer. He could just as easily have been a victim. In some ways he was - a victim of culture.

The girls photo was shared around in the show. It seems noone thought to tell an adult about it and pursue a charge of distributing child pornography. She was blamed.

There are so many things we do not tolerate as adults or in workplaces that kids in schools are expected to put up with and it's time that's sorted out.