To think that grief vultures are just as bad as those who disappear?

[BluntLilacGuide]

Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of people who vanished when things got tough but I’ve also noticed another type: the ones who suddenly pop up when something terrible happens, acting overly concerned, but it feels more like they’re feeding off the drama than actually caring.

I’m not sure which is worse - the ones who don’t give a shit or the ones who seem to treat grief like a spectator sport for their own attention. Has anyone else experienced this?

I think you’ll have to elaborate on the situation OP to get more insightful answers. In what context? What would a grief vulture do?

My sister has a friend like this, the most supportive person in the world during a crisis, really steps up and goes beyond what you’d expect. Once the crisis has passed she loses interest and moves on to the next person who needs rescuing.

I mean people who only seem to show up when there’s a tragedy or crisis but their behaviour feels more about getting involved in the drama than genuinely offering support. It’s like they want to be seen as the caring friend or relative but they’re not really doing anything to help. They just make everything about themselves or their emotions, rather than being there for the person who’s grieving.

I think grief vultures are actually worse, getting enjoyment out of someone else's misfortune.

As a culture we don't deal well with grief. On the basis that no-one is perfect I try not to judge either the vultures or the disappearers too harshly (or the ones who put their foot in it with something insensitive). If they're good people otherwise then I'm sure they're trying their best.

It's easy, when grieving, to not ask for what would really help.
No one knows what each person needs most unless they say.
It's fairly normal to be alerted by a death in the family and to offer to help out and fairly normal to be told that just being there is a comfort.
I genuinely don't think people visit the grieving as a sport.

They are doing their best and are also sad at the time too.
Reality of life means that everyone goes back to their day jobs.

Grief vultures are worse, by far.

The ones who disappear just can't handle it, which I get,they are just thoughtless

The grief vultures want all of the attention without having to deal with the pain of the actual tragedy. They put time and effort into using your situation to gain sympathy and attention for themselves, which is pretty calculated.

I had quite a few after the deaths of my children.

I agree. I think sadly there are quite a lot of people who thrive on the sense that other people are not in control of their lives. They enjoy the drama but also feed off the feeling of power it gives them.

I have an acquaintance who always has to be the "senior partner" in every friendship and is uncomfortable with people who have agency and can assert themselves. Over time I've seen her destroy lots of friendships when people push back: it always leads to drama and a bust up.

Lots of people are not at all good at relationships which allow other people equality in the dynamic.

I agree. I think sadly there are quite a lot of people who thrive on the sense that other people are not in control of their lives. They enjoy the drama but also feed off the feeling of power it gives them.

You see plenty of those on MN! Especially in acute medical situations involving a child and there hasn't been an update in a while. All the nosy grief vultures come out and start bumping the thread with "Thinking of you OP" or "Hope things are ok OP", when it's obvious the OP will update in their own time if there's anything worth updating.

I think it’s a big problem online that started getting worse when the Alfie Evan’s story was all over social media. There’s countless ‘journey’ pages on various platforms and they can’t all be full of support, people love to ghoul.

Whatever their motives, I could do with someone like that now.

Im going through the hardest time of my life and everyone fucked off.

@user1492757084 genuinely don't think people visit the grieving as a sport.

Yeah, you've obviously not met my auntie. Her perfect day out is "a good funeral" and her PB is three in one day! She's a diamond in many ways but does tend to view life through the lens of being a soap opera playing out in real terms.

Grief/trauma vultures are far worse, in my opinion, than people who simply retreat.

So basically you are damned if you do and damned if you dont?.... geezo.

Senior partner is such a good phrase. I’ve a close relative like that, she always had to be the one offering counsel etc and in her case being thinner and therefore morally superior to her female friends.

💐 I'm sincerely very sorry. I remember when the same thing happened to me and it involved people I'd known for decades who I'd have sworn down would've been my ride or dies. It was a horrific situation that lasted for months and during it I think I got one text. Then in the immediate aftermath of my bereavement they had the audacity to complain that I hadn't been around much.

We know people like this. Once called them friends. After going through a traumatic and life changing event, we don't call them friends any more.
My husband calls them trauma hoovers.

No it's actually fairly simple. If you hardly knew the person whose died/their family don't act like you were their BFF and it's just as big a loss to you as it is them.

If you were a close friend of the person whose died or their family member, don't ignore them, treat them like a leper or make PA comments to/about them. HTH.

The grief vultures might be preconditioned (brainwashed), co dependents who were positioned into the familial role of saviour or Florence Nightingale.

They may mean well, and be acting out of a duty that was imposed on them, when they didn't know better.

Extreme saviours and ghosters are annoying. It's all mental health vulnerabilities.

Yeah, my dad went through it when my mum died. She was young and I was only 11. Her best friends were full of promises about how they would all be there for me. After the funeral - pooof! All gone. Never heard from them again. One even saw me and my dad in Tesco a few months later and left her trolley and legged it!

So it wasn’t unexpected, but still stung.

This.
I hate threads like this. So if you show up for someone in distress you are wanker - if you don't you are a wanker.

I've seen threads here where women have said that when the shit hit the fan, there were people who had not been good friends but who really stepped up and they appreciated it.
I'd hate to think that now some people would be scared off doing that for fear of be accused of being a 'grief vulture.'

This is my thoughts too.

You also understand grief better if you have been through it yourself. People are learning, they make mistakes

I've never seen/heard anyone say that offering support or condolences to someone, even if you don't know them very well is not the same as being a grief vulture.

I had one of these when my dad died. A distant cousin arrived for the funeral and spent the next 2 days wailing and flapping about the loss. The funeral was hijacked by her and her grief. Everyone fussing over her. I had no bloody idea who she even was. A distant cousin of my mother who hadn't seen us for over 40 years and met my dad a handful of times.