To think that grief vultures are just as bad as those who disappear?

[BluntLilacGuide]

Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of people who vanished when things got tough but I’ve also noticed another type: the ones who suddenly pop up when something terrible happens, acting overly concerned, but it feels more like they’re feeding off the drama than actually caring.

I’m not sure which is worse - the ones who don’t give a shit or the ones who seem to treat grief like a spectator sport for their own attention. Has anyone else experienced this?

Used to have a friend (the mum of my close childhood friend actually, had known the family for decades) who was a sort of Mrs Cancer, considered herself an expert on all and any services you could access if someone in the family got cancer (local charities, meal services, counselling etc), offered to come along to appointments with you, that sort of thing.
When my mum got cancer this woman turned into a support bully, would ring multiple times a day to tell me about services and prod me about applying for them.
When I looked into it turned out some of the services she recommended were out of area or otherwise inappropriate (lol especially the ones my mum didn't want or need and rejected outright) and I found myself having to ask her to stop ringing so much, yk, while my mum was in active intensive cancer treatment 😯😬
She got the hump and that was the beginning of the end of our friendship, and she turned the screws on her DC whose friendship (of 35yrs) I also lost.
Some people who disappear feel like they're giving you space or don't know how to support you, for which I have more understanding. It can be hard to get right.

Yes

There's a massive difference between stepping up and being a grief vulture.

The friend who came over, made me a cup of tea, asked if I wanted to share stories or photos- lovely.

The 'friend' who came over, wailed loudly to the point I ended up consoling her and then posted on Facebook about how she had been supporting me despite being "like a mother' to my daughter and feeling the loss as much as I did - grief vulture.

My friends mum who sent a heartfelt card expressing her sympathy and giving me the numbers of support services - thoughtful.

The woman with a daughter the same age as mine who I bumped into a few times who tells me that every time she thinks of me and my losses she squeezes her daughter that bit tighter, and feels guilty about it, sometimes she hugs her right in front of me - grief vulture

I had a friend like this. Interesting it’s possibly a personality type. She was so lovely and a great friend until I realised she always saw me as beneath her and in need of her. When dh and I moved to a bigger house and life was good, she was unkind/bitchy and ghosted me (although I did pull away too).

The difference is that the grief vulture makes it about themselves.
They "join in" the grief, e.g. crying more tears than their relationship with the event would normally warrant, especially in an attention-seeking way. Taking the attention from those closer to events who are genuinely affected.
They love the emotional drama, but will never offer practical support that actually costs them a bit of effort and unselfishness.

I’ve experienced this and it really isn’t very pleasant. There are people who like to be involved in the heart of a drama.

@User450707

You see plenty of those on MN! Especially in acute medical situations involving a child and there hasn't been an update in a while. All the nosy grief vultures come out and start bumping the thread with "Thinking of you OP" or "Hope things are ok OP", when it's obvious the OP will update in their own time if there's anything worth updating.

God yes I hate that.

The threads when someone posts about the discovery that their DH or DP is cheating also bring out the worst in people.

You'll get 5 or 6 pages of genuine compassion and sensible advice and then you descend into screeds of: "Any news, OP?" and "Thinking of your, OP". Or worst of all: "Why hasn't the OP been back to provide an update?" As if it was bloody Eastenders...

At best it's well meant but pointless. At worst its just stickybeakery masquerading as care.

Hey, if the shoe fits then wear it. If it doesn’t, then let it go.

To be clear, grief vultures aren’t just normal people with good intentions. They’re often extremely narcissistic who thrive on the grief of others. They centre themselves and make it all about them. I’m glad for you if you’ve never come across these types of awful people.

I’m sorry OP if you’re having a hard time.

I had a very shocking bereavement of a close relative and an ex friend of mine saw it as an opportunity to show what a great counsellor they were (they were in training at the time), using the relative's name all the time in conversation to demonstrate that they remembered it, making mad assumptions about how my family would react due to their religion, being offended when I didn't react correctly to something she had decided in her own head was nice (I wasn't rude, just turned down and invitation that wasn't right for me).

Really saw her in a different light and the friendship petered out.

@Thepeopleversuswork yeah I'm another one whose not a fan. I don't mind the ones of "hope you're ok OP" so much as the ones who come right out and demand ask "any news yet OP". They really grind my gears and I usually end up muttering "you don't have a right to know anything. It's up to the OP when/if they update you. Just pipe down and fucking wait" to myself, which can be a little awkward in public 😬.

I think the internet and streaming has just made everyone used to getting installments and updates exactly as and when they want and it's not a good trait.

I have one living next door to me.

I don't see her for months on end but after my Mum died she obviously heard on the grapevine and turned up at my door on the pretext of 'checking how I was doing '. Although it was the last thing I felt like doing I asked her in for a cuppa. I was holding it together pretty well and she eventually asked did I not feel like crying? I felt she was only there to watch me cry. Weird.

I know what you mean @BluntLilacGuide

An old friend of mine would be the first leading the tributes online to Mrs so and so who served us dinner once at a local primary 40 years ago... So upset. Love to her friends and family etc.
Every time someone with an ounce of fame... So tragic, life cut terribly short...

We hadn't spoken for years.. My Dad died - ping! I absolutely knew who it was!

Munchausans by someone else's grief!

Is a grief vulture.

Yes!! DH cousin is a grief vulture and a total glory hunter. She's also a grabber! When my wee MIL died, the things she did was off the scale, I'd never have believed someone was so nasty and evil and under the guise of also helping. Mum died just after 5am on the Friday morning, Friday afternoon myself and MIL 2 elderly sisters were in Mums bedroom, this witch barged in and said right! I don't know if anything changed but we've (her and her Sister) to get Aunty H rings..... we just sat there, the rings had just been taken off Mums fingers not even 12 hours before.
Anything she said or did after that she said I'm trying to help and made herself to be the victim when everyone pushed back. Needless to say she's not in our lives now. She also got no rings!

Edited to add, she didn't bother coming to the funeral but continues to post shit on Facebook with woe is me I've lost this amazing woman blah blah. She couldn't even pay her respects to Mum in death but wants likes and comments from a social media platform.

There’s a huge difference between offering support and making it all about you.

When my dad died, a friend from school he’d very vaguely kept in touch with (think reunion once every 10 years) rang my mum and asked her if she’d like him to do the eulogy! He was most offended when she said, erm no thanks.

This guy knew absolutely nothing of my dad beyond age 16 when they all left school save for what dad told him on the periodic catch ups they had had. He had never met me or my brother and I didn’t even recall dad mentioning him.

That’s what those of us who have experienced this mean about grief vultures. This was someone who was by no stretch of the imagination a close friend of my dad or the wider family, coming in and making it all about them - in this case wanting to take centre stage at the funeral. He tried unsuccessfully to persuade mum by saying he had done this many times before for old school friends! How many funerals would most of us expect to speak at in our lives - one, maybe two? It was obviously all about the performance for him.

This made me giggle - the last bit 😳🤣

Yes! My aunt was there whenever something happened in the family. I got on quite well with her to begin with, & found her to be quite supportive. But she’d get far too involved in things, & behaved like it was happening to her. Then she’d disappear for years & say she’d had enough & not to call her she’d call us. I think she was probably lonely & we were her entertainment. I’m quite saddened by it all really as I thought she was genuine.

Having read all of the replies, I can see the difference now. It’s not the next door neighbour sending a card and offering help, it’s the person who isn’t as close to the deceased but making it about them.

It was the anniversary of my mother’s death and my auntie puts it on FB. Whether my siblings and I want to see it or not it pops up and I sometimes get irked by it. She also posts on the anniversaries or birthday of her ex husband, whom she left after having an affair but the latter part isn’t common knowledge. It comes accross as attention seeking and I’ve often thought you’re a 70 year old woman, grow up.

When my husband died, I experienced this. People weeping and howling, but the, afterwards, not being there - because there was no one around to applaud them. 🙄

I found out who my true supports were - and blew out the rest. 🤷‍♀️

When my son dies my SIL really over stepped the mark bying things to decorate the coffin disney stickers without asking what we wanted.
But what was worse was how immediately after the funeral all that support we had walked out the door and never came back.

Once I went through something traumatic and one particular person who I actually barely knew swept in and did all sorts for me. She was incredibly helpful.

When the dust settled, we barely spoke again. We weren’t well-suited as friends, in honesty. Just different people.

It was only years later that I learnt she’d previously been through an eerily similar event. I assume the fact she knew exactly what I was going through moved her to try to help. Maybe there was also an element of closure/healing for herself too. Either way, I truly believe her main motive was a desire to do good and help me.

I only ever found out what she’d been through by coincidence, I doubt she’d have ever told me of her own free will. I don’t even know if she knows that I know.

I think it’s a mistake to presume there are negative intentions where good intentions may well lie. You never really know or understand every aspect of someone else’s mind. I’m glad I didn’t just decide to label the woman who helped me as a “grief vulture”.

There's grief vultures and then there's something EVEN worse - the people who somehow make your grief their own every single time! (Grief cuckoo's??)

This is a friend of mine (I'm fading her out as I've had enough)

Another lady I know has just lost her baby at 33 weeks

The 'friend' lost her baby to stillbirth 35 years ago

I'm sick to the back teeth of 'she lost HER baby but I lost mine and my pain is harder because its a longer length of time!and i only had her for 3 months!'

I wouldn't wish losing a baby on anyone but for fuck sake,33 weeks mum lost her baby a fortnight ago-her grief isn't any less

She had the cheek to contact 33 week mum hours after losing baby to tell her all about her loss and didn't once ask how she was doing or how she could help-she wasn't happy until the mum burst into tears and she was straight on the phone to me,crowing about how she'd helped 'get the tears out'

Same when I lost my darling fil-i posted on fb to let people know and the first comment was 'I lost MY stepfather 6 years ago'

And?

I was in shock-wed lost fil less than an hour before but she just had to swoop in and turn it around on herself-her grief wasn't any worse than ours

She was straight round to my house,but thankfully we'd gone to my mils house (she lives 150 miles away) or I would have decked her

Yup, terrible behaviour:( The person I'm thinking of said she knew how my miscarriage felt because she had a bad period once and in hindsight it could have been a pregnancy loss.

Jesus,I'm so sorry
That's just sick
I hope she's not your friend anymore
(Sending hugs)

A friend of mine has lost both parents in the space of nine months. She's an average-closeness friend. We had a family day at Christmas at her house (in the time between the two bereavements), and we are connected in a few different ways. I really like her a lot. When the second death happened, I took ages trying to work out how best to support her without overstepping the strength of our friendship. I did not go to the funerals but my partner did (I pushed him to go) as he knew the deceased personally, and I wanted to be represented. I offered childcare. Very soon afterwards my poor friend needed an operation. I sent flowers and chocolates. I don't think I would have done, had the double bereavement not felt so, so sad. I guess what I am saying is that I compensated for my lack of action on the deaths, by taking action on my friend's illness. I would HATE anyone to think I was feeding off their bereavement. It would be horrendous.