To think that friends can be more like family than actual family?

[ThatJoyousCyanReader]

Growing up, we’re told that “family is everything,” but in my experience, friends have been far more accepting, loving, and reliable than my own relatives. My family might share my DNA, but they don’t always show up when it counts, whereas my friends have been there through thick and thin.

I know not everyone has a difficult family but am I wrong to feel that people you choose to have in your life often end up being more like family than the ones you’re born into?

This has definitely been my experience. I live in a different country from my family and could not be more different from them if I tried - it’s genuinely hard to believe we’re related. I have lots of friends and my close friends in particular are a much, much greater support than my family have ever been. I am very fortunate to have several friends with whom I can be 100% open and honest - something I am immensely grateful for. My family on the other hand are spectacularly judgemental about the smallest things so I tell them nothing, by contrast.

Definitely not the case for everyone. A close friend of mine, who I regard as a sister, got a God awful tattoo once. I told her immediately it was shit, and also paid for her cover up with a far nicer design. She was the first to tell me a haircut looked crap right before an important event, and drove two hours to come and sort it out for me. No tip toeing here, and no one gets upset by honest opinions and constructive criticism either.

do you not think you are being a bit oblivious and/or insensitive bragging "family will always be there through thick and thin, rough and smooth?" when you must KNOW that not everybody is fortunate enough for this to be the case?

Apart from "just" friendships you are also negating romantic relationships, bonds between stepparents, adopted children etc with your "Blood is thicker than water" crap.

I feel sorry for people who are so self-centered they can't possibly envision any life experiences slightly different to theirs.

OP of course they can, there's a reason "found/chosenfamily" is such a popular trope.

But that says more about your own inability to regulate your moods, surely, if you’re frequently so moody that you think nobody not biologically tied to you would tolerate it? I’m not sure I’d be thrilled either if I were your family, if you think it’s ok for them to have to deal your moods, but not your friends? Do you think family doesn’t deserve consideration?

I've got very little bond with my blood family. I'm NC with my abusive mother, and very low contact with my 4 brothers.
I love my sister to bits.

My friends are the ones who are important to me.
There are only 3 of them but, my God, we would go to the ends of the earth and back again for each other.

You’re so right. Blood isn’t always thicker than water.
i haven’t seen my Brother for 22 years despite only living 8 miles apart
No rift just no interest.

@Sifflet I'm not suggesting that I am moody around family, but If I am feeling shit, I will be more open with family.

Over the years I have had friendships that I considered family, but life moves in different directions, it changes.

I had a best friend who was above my sisters for 15 years, she moved away, I moved, we faded.

My family has always been there in the background or forefront, we would do anything for each other,

Now that I'm older my sisters are my best friends.

My three best friends know me inside out while my own family barely touch the surface. These are the people I turn to when I have good or bad things going on. My family know nothing but don’t care to ask.

But that says more about your own inability to regulate your moods, surely, if you’re frequently so moody that you think nobody not biologically tied to you would tolerate it? I’m not sure I’d be thrilled either if I were your family, if you think it’s ok for them to have to deal your moods, but not your friends? Do you think family doesn’t deserve consideration?

How did you come up with response to my short post ... That is hilarious, im not frequently moody at all.

Well my family was useless and I left at 14 it was my best friends mum who adopted me so yes she's who id consider family because they were there when I needed someone

It entirely depends on what kind of family you have and what kind of friends you have.

I’m not sure I like the phrase ‘family is everything’. I kind of associate it with controlling, manipulative mothers….

Not sure it has to be either or. I’m pretty good with family- my kids and my parents. My mil too. I have spoken to my sibling twice in a decade and it will stay that way. The family who took me in during a difficult time in my teens are STILL family to me after 30 years. Attended my tiny wedding, held my babies the day they were born, will always be the people I turn to when I can’t do things alone. They have accepted my DH & kids as theirs, and their children and grandchildren treat me as an extra aunt / sibling. My uni bestie the same. Her kids are my spares and v/v. She would help me bury the bodies, and my DH will reach out to her when I need extra support as often as I would. Maybe we are just lucky.

I agree even though for me my family is first. However SIL has this attitude and it creates a distance between us. It is uncomfortable when you try to build a relationship with her, caring for her to be confronted with signs in her toilet, living room that friends are more than family as if we have done something wrong. In the end while I come from a culture where we care for family first, I decided to stop making an effort given she doesn't really reciprocate.

Because you basically said ‘I have to make an effort to behave around my friends, while my family just get the moody version of me’?

No, I did not. "If" no-one feels great 24/7.
My sisters are my number 1, where I am truly comfortable. That's it.

I wonder if there is a little bit of cause and effect here?

People who have wonderful, close, supportive families rely on them for a lot of things and therefore don't need to create such strong friendships, so their "friends" are a lot more superficial? For example, I wouldn't call someone a friend (to use an example upthread) if I couldn't honestly tell them that their outfit didn't suit them.

Whereas people who consider their families only in terms of someone they share DNA with, are more likely to form strong bonds with friends as they become the "family replacement"?

@RedSkyDelights I agree.

There are many people who don't have a supportive family, who have amazing, friendship, friends can definitely replace family in terms of love and support.

And vice versa, presumably. If you’re someone who’s always struggled to make and retain friendships, it may be easier to fall back on the ‘My DSis/DH is my best friend’ attitude.

Though I remain interested in something that’s a common situation on Mn, posters who say they’ve never been able to make friends, that people don’t like them, that they don’t know how to act in company — and yet they have the skills to have managed to form at least one longterm relationship, marry, and have children.

exactly this

Though I remain interested in something that’s a common situation on Mn, posters who say they’ve never been able to make friends, that people don’t like them, that they don’t know how to act in company — and yet they have the skills to have managed to form at least one longterm relationship, marry, and have children.

I think this is often a symptom of

1. Having a partner and children who take up a large amount of your time and energy (much of it unavoidable especially when children are small)
2. The desire for friends that are the "better/as good as family" ones and not just some one to make small talk with - which typically takes a fair bit of effort and investment of months, if not years of developing the friendship and accepting that most people you meet are not going to be this type of friend.
3. If you do have a great partner/family to fall back on, then you may not feel the need for deep friendships outside of this and lose confidence in mixing with others

I’m like this, except my family do sometimes ask, I just don’t tell them. I’ve been grey rocking for years, to use an MN phrase. Communication has reduced to the smallest of small talk - basically just “Hi, how are you?” “Fine thanks. You?” and talking about the weather. Those are the only ‘safe’ topics.

What a load of crap

My father beat me, neglected me, was a gambling addicted alcho who threw me out at 15 for telling him to get help and look after his kids
He would tell me i was waste of oxygen, a mistake

The day he died i finally felt safe and free
There was no making up, i hate we shared the same blood

My best mates family - the ones who came to my wedding, held dd after she was born - are my family, they have treated me better than my own blood ever did

Think yourself LUCKY you were born into a good family

My MIL just cut us off cos we wouldnt allow her to bad mouth us in OUR house while we were putting them up in a cyclone and flood
We in the wrong for overhearing her, not her for saying it
We were in the wrong for saying 'we cant afford to feed 6 people - any chance you can help out'
MIL expected her and her 2 mates would be hosted like royalty, waited on and then gets abusive when we say no, this an equal house, not your serviced air bnb

So tell me, where is family any better? In my experience, they abusive or nasty users