To think that friends can be more like family than actual family?

[ThatJoyousCyanReader]

Growing up, we’re told that “family is everything,” but in my experience, friends have been far more accepting, loving, and reliable than my own relatives. My family might share my DNA, but they don’t always show up when it counts, whereas my friends have been there through thick and thin.

I know not everyone has a difficult family but am I wrong to feel that people you choose to have in your life often end up being more like family than the ones you’re born into?

You are completely right, OP. "Family is not "everything". At all. They are just people with whom we have a random, albeit biological, link.

I would choose my friends over my family every day of the week. Although i love them and do much more than my fair share, my family bring zero positives into my life.

Absolutely, my friends are much more important to me than my awful family and I hate all that blood is thicker than water shit.

100%

you can choose your friends, not your family.

We had a small wedding, immediate family and our close friends. Some relatives were upset we asked our friends to be there rather than them.

I wanted the people that knew me inside out, checked in on me, cared about mine and DH’s relationship to be there rather than the people that share the same blood

I think a family that tells you "family is everything" is a family that is controlling. So if your family is telling you that it's no surprising you find friends are more rewarding.

A healthy family realises it's a positive thing to have many different relationships.

Artistes Maupin had it right in Tales of the City when he said you have your biological family and your logical family.

It depends how you define 'family'. You are assuming the definition of family is by default, a positive one of people who are loving and supportive. I don't think that definition is correct. Your family are people who are related to you by blood, shared children or marriage - there is nothing to say they must be loving or supportive. The difference with friends, as has been said, is that you choose them and the friendship can be severed - you can go no contact with your family but there will always be the tie of being related to them.

I have brilliant friends but none as good as family. None of them would sell their house to pay my legal bills, fly to the other side of the world to get on a plane with me when I developed fear of flying, put me up for ever if I was homeless, let me rabbit on about myself, look after my frog spawn when I go on holiday just at the crucial time every single year. And pretend they enjoy all this crap and its no bother at all.
Maybe my friends are just more rubbish than I first thought.

I love my family but could not have survived without my circle of friends, we've seen each other through some tough times for sure over the years.

No ..and I am always surprised at how many people on here have the same opinion as you op.

I have some great friends but I wouldn't turn to any of them in the same way I would with family.

Vast vast majority of people I know in real life prioritise their family over friends.

Absolutely, OP. I'm lucky enough to have a close family, but I also have several friends who I absolutely do class as family and who've been there through thick and thin, just as much as those related to me by blood. We turn to each other for support when needed, and are stalwartly there for each other through the highs and lows of life, even including misunderstandings and disagreements. We've also done a lot for each other in terms of gestures and never expected anything in return.

One of my closest friends has a poor relationship with her family. Her friendships are absolutely more meaningful to her, and we class each other as sisters. I'm very grateful to have such close friendships.

Oh yes definitely. One of my best friends died last year and I was devastated- found it much harder than when members of my family have died

I agree.

I'm on medical treatment currently. My youngest sister and my mother haven't asked to see me (since Xmas). Mother texts after I've had a hospital appointment so she can update her friends. My sister hasn't messaged at all. Suddenly been total silence. It hurts.
Yet friends have drove me to hospital. Sent chocolate brownies, flowers, socks, books, posted me hand creams, taken me out for a cuppa, joined me on walks, checked in with me and been just really decent people. I cant thank them enough for being there.

On Mn there are a lot of people who struggle with friendships and who retreat inside ‘my own little family’, so I don’t think you’ll necessarily see your own experience reflected to the extent you might do elsewhere — I am personally fond of my family, but the real relationships in my life have always been the ones I have chosen, and the same is true of my siblings.

the common 'blood is thicker than water' saying is actually in full
'The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb' - which entirely reverses the meaning! (and supports what you're saying too!)

In a way yes, but if your friends have close family they will come first. A lot of people that lived alone during Covid found that friends would pick a relative to bubble with rather than a friend when you could only bubble with one other household. From MN it happened even when the family members would not be alone but the friend was completely alone.

I have some amazing friends but 'family is everything' for me.

This. ^ It's a myth that friends are better than family. I feel sorry for anyone who thinks that. Blood is thicker than water, and friends will come and go. Family will always be there through thick and thin and the rough and the smooth.

YABU @ThatJoyousCyanReader

I don’t think Mn is any guide to how people in general relate to either friends or family, tbh.

well they do say that you cann pick your friends you can't pick your family

Absolutely. My closest friends are my chosen family.

I was adopted then went NC with my adoptive family so that's a double whammy of realising that "family" - whether by blood or by socially mandated structure - means bugger all. The people who've loved me, accepted me, been there for me unconditionally are my friends.

Yes me too.
I would literally do anything for my adult DC’s but certainly wouldn’t for friends and they wouldn’t for me.
At the end of the day my friends would prioritise their family as I would mine.

Then presumably you and @Comedycook are choosing people like yourselves as friends, people who unthinkingly assume family comes first? Whereas @gannett is choosing to be around other people who prioritise non-blood relationships. For me it’s not either/or. I do have a couple friends who are NC with their families, or have strained relationships with them, but most of my fairly wide range of friends are on perfectly good terms with family, but don’t see them as an automatic choice over non-family.

That's a ridiculous sweeping statement.

Some people have an awful family who do them more harm than good.