Claire’s Law/ Sarah’s Law for FIL

[Red0]

My FIL has always been very quiet and even after 20 years I’ve barely had a conversation with him despite being in his company quite a lot. He comes across as introverted and shy. I always only saw him that way until I had kids and it started to make me a bit more uncomfortable when he would sit his GC on his lap and talk to them very quietly so others couldn’t hear, or try to take them into a separate room and you couldn’t hear what was going on in there. Although around the time of the birth of my first DC I found when using his computer that he’d been watching porn - nothing nefarious, but still I was quite shocked that this quiet older man secretly watches porn - each to their own I guess. Maybe my judgement of his behaviour has been clouded by this discovery. But from then my DC have never been alone with him.

I have recently found out that he was arrested (all I know about when this was is “when he was younger”) for apparently urinating in public. I don’t know if that is something one would be arrested for decades ago. I’m shocked I’ve not heard about it before and it all seems a bit shady the way it was being spoken about, and not “Oh Bob got arrested when he was younger for peeing in a bush, what’s he like!” I don’t know how to describe it, but as if there was more to it. DH says he was told about this but had almost forgotten about it until this recent conversation came up. I asked MIL what the charge was actually called and she said “I don’t know, indecent exposure or something like that” and then shut down anything further I tried to say on the matter.
WIBU of me to try and find out what he was actually arrested for? I don’t even know if I could, but would I be able to make a Claire’s Law or Sarah’s Law for something like this? My DC don’t spend time alone with them, but need to stay at my SILs soon while DH and I attend a funeral and SIL said she needs to go to an appointment so her parents (my ILs) will need to watch the kids for a couple of hours. I’m not overly worried, but this has crossed my mind to do. AIBU?

You are creeped out.

Listen to your gut. It tells you stuff which your mind cannot quite put it's finger on.

@Red0 so want have you decided to do op?
leaving your kids there ?
Doing a request or not ?

Yet even she mentioned "indecent exposure". Isn't that the same thing legally as flashing? Flashing used to be thought fairly harmless, but it is now believed to often lead to more serious sexual offences. Take care OP.

I honestly think the arrest is a red herring. As I and others PPs have said, you can be arrested for peeing in public. I’m not sure it would show up on a Sarah’s Law request. It is sensible to go ahead with it but I suspect it won’t give you any answers.

The whispering and going off to another room is far more concerning. You should go with your instincts.

I’ve arranged for DC to go over to a school friends after school but haven’t told SIL they don’t need to go there anymore. I won’t need to say why, I can just say makes life easier for everyone as she won’t be there the whole time.
Spoke to my local police station yesterday but they were fairly useless and said to call back Tuesday next week when someone else was in, or to try our closest city police force instead. Been really busy TBH - main thing is I’ve sorted out alternative arrangements for DC while we are at the funeral, and I’ll sort out speaking to the police and making a Sarah’s Law application next week.

they've moved around quite a bit over the years

This would ring alarm bells with me. It suggests there is something more going on. If your husband was a child then he's maybe not fully aware of things.
Asking for the relevant disclosure would put your mind at rest if it's all perfectly innocent, or give you information so you can act accordingly to safeguard your children.

You can do Sarah's law application online.

https://www.police.uk/rqo/request/ri/request-information/sarahs-law/triage/v2/ask-police-for-information-child-sexual-offences/

OP- Trust your instinct.
You are doing the right thing.

You are being unreasonable to contemplate letting this man have access to your children whilst you attend a wedding. How much more information do you need to know he's as dodgy as fuck?

You describe the porn as "nothing nefarious", perhaps because it's an older woman and younger man, but what you've described is "grandparent having sex with grandchild", which could be the phrase he searched for. Does that still feel like "nothing nefarious"?

It sounds like you have the gift of fear with a lot of social conditioning from his family who gave a history of minimising things. You've seen him encouraging other grandchildren to sit on his knee while he whispers and tries to take them into a quiet room to be alone together. Please remember that a lot of abuse happens while other adults are in the same house, even in the same room, but aren't aware of what's happening. Perhaps nspcc or similar have advice. Trust your spidey senses.

Definitely do it for your own peace of mind, trust your gut.
I had suspicious about a family members partner years ago, so much so I never let him pick up my children or definitely never left him alone with him. If he ever tried I just ask him to give me them back, he knew I wasn’t messing and never argued with me or my dh.
It was a long time ago and I’m not sure those laws existed then.
It turned out my gut was right and he was arrested for having indecent images of children on his computer.
Don't risk it if it doesn’t feel right.

you can ask... don't be surprised if they don't tell you! if it was over 10 years ago, unless he's on a sex offenders register, then there might not be anything there to find.

why don't you have a conversation with your DH and raise your concerns?

Grim but flashing can be linked to public urination. Not great but lots of men who grow up and out of it to be reasonable men have done this and many haven’t been caught… for me the question is whether if not for this info you’d be worried about it. Sounds like there is other behaviour that has made you concerned, as I don’t think watching porn or public urination (if that’s the case) are causes for concern per se.

I’m going to a funeral, not a wedding. DC were supposed to be with SIL but she’s informed us that ILs need to step in to cover at her house for a while because she’ll be at an appointment. So plans have been changed because I’m not comfortable with that. My DC are now going to a school friends instead.

Good plan.

Flashing does pose a risk, non contact offences can escalate into contact offences, the age imbalance and possible 'incest' angle in his porn use would trouble me too. Sarah's Law is the one you want, Claire's Law is for domestic abuse.

Wayne Cousens escalated from flashing.

Are you sure it's your FIL watching the porn? Could it be your MIL that's watching the porn? It's not unusual for women to watch porn.

”just flashing” isn’t a thing

look at how Wayne Couzens started out

" It's not unusual for women to watch porn."

It definitely depends on the generation.