Claire’s Law/ Sarah’s Law for FIL

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My FIL has always been very quiet and even after 20 years I’ve barely had a conversation with him despite being in his company quite a lot. He comes across as introverted and shy. I always only saw him that way until I had kids and it started to make me a bit more uncomfortable when he would sit his GC on his lap and talk to them very quietly so others couldn’t hear, or try to take them into a separate room and you couldn’t hear what was going on in there. Although around the time of the birth of my first DC I found when using his computer that he’d been watching porn - nothing nefarious, but still I was quite shocked that this quiet older man secretly watches porn - each to their own I guess. Maybe my judgement of his behaviour has been clouded by this discovery. But from then my DC have never been alone with him.

I have recently found out that he was arrested (all I know about when this was is “when he was younger”) for apparently urinating in public. I don’t know if that is something one would be arrested for decades ago. I’m shocked I’ve not heard about it before and it all seems a bit shady the way it was being spoken about, and not “Oh Bob got arrested when he was younger for peeing in a bush, what’s he like!” I don’t know how to describe it, but as if there was more to it. DH says he was told about this but had almost forgotten about it until this recent conversation came up. I asked MIL what the charge was actually called and she said “I don’t know, indecent exposure or something like that” and then shut down anything further I tried to say on the matter.
WIBU of me to try and find out what he was actually arrested for? I don’t even know if I could, but would I be able to make a Claire’s Law or Sarah’s Law for something like this? My DC don’t spend time alone with them, but need to stay at my SILs soon while DH and I attend a funeral and SIL said she needs to go to an appointment so her parents (my ILs) will need to watch the kids for a couple of hours. I’m not overly worried, but this has crossed my mind to do. AIBU?

Yes, you should do the request because he’s a man around your child and you are getting the creeps from him.

The behaviours you describe re the whispering/talking to them so no one else hears and taking them to other rooms is very concerning. Even if his arrest was urinating in a bush and there's no other concerns, I would never leave him alone with my children or trust your mother in law not to. No "normal" grandfather would behave that way so for me that behaviour is very much a red flag.

100% agree with this. Protecting your kids has to be your number one priority, even if there’s no known offence.

Trust your spidey senses....they are telling you something for a reason.

Whispering and taking children into a private room? Of course it's suss! As is MIL's guarded reaction. Use Sarah's Law to find out. Just call 101 and ask police for advice. Don't ignore!

Urinating in public is classed as indecent exposure and you can be arrested for it, definitely 25 years or so ago, not sure about earlier. However I think any suspicion should be followed up for peace of mind.

I would try the Sarah's law route but even if it comes up with nothing I'd still trust my gut. Just done some digging and not all indecent exp are included especially before the law's introduction unless there's a serious element that went on to a conviction.
So a good thing to ask but as it's years ago it's not what I'd call a definite clear.

Good luck

My OH is fairly quiet, has been known to watch porn, has been arrested a couple of times in his younger days for silly drink related things but that doesn't make him a pedophile, I think it's a stretch with your FIL

this.

i would make an appointment and follow it through yes - but i would put a stop to this straight off
secret chatting and separate rooms is frankly creepy and un nerving

Oh, the innocence. They thought he was off to pick up another man by the bandstand.

"urinating in public was (and still is) illegal and you can be arrested and charged with indecent exposure."

And yet everyone does it when stuck in the countryside.
I'd want to know what the circumstances were exactly. Anybody can be caught short.

Wasn't he only arrested in Scotland?
The naked bike ride people intent to be seen and could potentially cause offence, but they are never arrested so intent is obviously relevant.

In the early 00’s a friend of mine was threatened with arrest for taking a wee in a public place (outside a nightclub in a carparking area) it would have been for indecent exposure.

How do know for sure that it's your FIL is watching the porn, it could be your MIL, if it's grandmother and grandson roles?

In the late 80s (84-87) my bf was arrested in Indianapolis after a car racing event…think lots of men lots of beer for urinating in a parking garage/parking deck. He was 22 and had to return to Indianapolis with an attorney for his court date for this very reason…to avoid indecent exposure charge.

personally I find grandma with grandson porn theme bizarre and worrisome…some projection there. I don’t watch porn so is this a common theme?

never really understood the need to isolate children or take them away from mum or family to enjoy spending time with them

MIL is hardly impartial or the correct person to evaluate the seriousness of the arrest or his risk around children wrong generation wrong mindset wrong babysitter

my 90 yr old dad says….
Cant trust anyone around your dc except family and half the time you can’t trust them. I share his wisdom with any mum who will listen

It's Clare's law and you request through your local police through an online form. If it is something they need to disclose as a concern they will contact you. If you not a concern for your safety you will be informed.

No, its Sarah's law for child protection re sexual abuse, Clare's law is for domestic violence.

I would be passing this to my DH - the kids cannot spend time with GPs until you know what this offence was. And I also think you need alternative childcare if your SIL is going out, sorry.

Listen to your gut. The whispering to the grandchildren on his lap and taking them away to separate rooms to be alone with them is worrying. Especially when his engagement with others in the family has been non-existent before the children came along.

I think your focus on this arrest is looking for evidence to justify keeping the children away from him. You don’t need it. His behaviour and your gut instinct about that is all you need to know. Do not ever leave your children alone with him and you should speak to your children about secrets, grooming and their personal space. Ie. No one can touch them and their bodies belong to them.

Do not ignore your feelings; we have these gut responses for a reason. Unconsciously you have picked up something, so for your children’s sake follow it through.

YANBU - Trust your instincts. If you are feeling uncomfortable there IS a reason and you have managed perfectly at protecting your children so go on doing just that.

Trust your gut. Be on the safe side and find alternative childminding arrangements.

The fact that everyone is so cagey rings alarm bells for me.
Submit the request. If he’s innocent, nothing to worry about and no harm done, he will never know you’ve asked. If not, then you’ve definitely done the right thing.

Um... but incest is illegal and it sounds as though he's watching incestuous porn if it includes supposed grandparents with their grandkids, regardless of the age of the grandkids? To me that's a HUGE red flag. 'Harmless porn' could include a very old woman and a young man but the grandparent/grandchild part of it is DODGY AF.

Or did I misunderstand?

I know what you mean, it clearly wasn’t actual grandparent and grandchild it was just some sick description on the video but I agree still weird AF