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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my bf losing interest or am I being absolutely ridiculous?

65 replies

greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:10

So the good things are:

  • we live together, and we are quite affectionate and cuddle etc, our sex life doesn’t appear to be dwindling
  • he will tell me he loves me
  • he’s very caring and kind

however I can’t shake a feeling he’s losing interest (even though I have asked him if anything is wrong, and he has reassured me that there isn’t, and that he would tell me if there was)

He has a new role in his job, which means he is very busy and can’t contact me during the day. Which is fine; he would usually text me saying he made it to work, text me once on lunch, and then text me when he’s leaving.
Recently though he’s been forgetting to text me when he gets to work because he is in a rush, and has texted me a lot less during the day.

He will usually text me on his lunch (he pops home). Yesterday he didn’t, so I asked whether he didn’t have a lunch yesterday. He said he did but he “left his phone in the car by accident so didn’t text me”.

When we were eating breakfast this morning I asked if he had a busy day coming up, and he said he did and told me about a meeting. He didn’t ask about my day. I’m finding this a little bit more frequently.

This morning I left a text saying I made it to work and that i hope he has a lovely day. He texted me to say that he also made it safe and that his meeting had been moved, which is annoying for him, but didn’t acknowledge anything else. That’s all he had time to reply.

I also noticed that he was in a rush eating breakfast and went straight to a busy day at work, and only had time to send one text to me. However I went on instagram and he’d liked our friends posts from this morning - so he’s had time to be on social media..

I just don’t know. If I ask him if everything’s okay he will say everything’s perfect and he’s happy.

He also sometimes texts me saying “I’ll always love you” rather than “I love you” and I worry he doesn’t want to say it?

OP posts:
StealMySunshine12 · 27/03/2025 10:53

YANBU, trust your gut.

Even the busiest person takes time to communicate with someone they love, and humans are very good at picking up on subtle differences that show somebody is losing interest.

I don't think there's much you can do atm other than maybe pull back a little, get busy with your own stuff so you're not just chasing him and pining after his attention. And see how it goes.

IDK how long you've been together, do you have any designs on marriage or kids?

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2025 10:56

He's busy with his new job and this level of contact is exhausting for anyone

Isawthesigns · 27/03/2025 10:56

I understand everything you’re feeling.

I wonder if he can detect your insecurity and it’s making him feel a bit smothered and making him need a bit of space.

If I were in your shoes, I’d take my focus off him and put it on myself. See friends, focus on hobbies etc and let him come to you.

nam3c4ang3 · 27/03/2025 10:57

ffs OP - how old are you?! Pointless messages to and fro are exhausting surely. Hes busy at work!!

OntheupsoIam · 27/03/2025 10:58

Do you both have particularly dangerous journeys to work??

Cardinalita90 · 27/03/2025 10:58

Maybe he's never been that fussed about this (frankly bizarre) pattern of making it to work safe text cycle, or messaging on his lunch, but has done it for you. But now he doesn't have the headspace with the new job and it's not a priority.

You will 1000% push him away if you keep seeking reassurance. Just find a new hobby to keep you busy or go out with friends more until he's established himself at work and things will probably go back to normal.

MoreChocPls · 27/03/2025 10:59

How old are you?

gannett · 27/03/2025 11:01

greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:40

I wasn’t monitoring or checking on purpose! I went on there myself and then saw he’d liked the recent posts from this morning. So I naturally just felt a bit down that he hadn’t had time to wish me a good day.

I don't think I've ever texted just to wish someone a nice day. I only ever say it to colleagues when I want them to do something for me. It's pointless to say it to someone you live with (presumably you can say it in person if you need to, then that's it).

And as I said liking posts doesn't require any thought or even much time compared to messaging someone.

Ihopeyouhavent · 27/03/2025 11:06

Jeez you sound like hard work.

arcticpandas · 27/03/2025 11:06

You sound very, very young. But even so.. I would go nuts if my dh texted me everyday, even when we were younger. It's exhausting. You see him in the morning and in the evening and you're not 14 I take it so no need to be texting during the day. He's busy with work and I would suggest you get busy as well so you don't have the time to invent problems that don't exist.

mamajong · 27/03/2025 11:08

I think its normal to text more in the beginning of a relationship and natural for that to fade. DH used to ring me every day when he was on way home from work, it got annoying as I'd be in the middle of something myself, in the end I said just message if you're running late. Messaging should be nice/fun but it sounds like he now feels pressured as you're overthinking it and questioning the frequency and even content.

If he tells you he's happy then believe him, he hasn't given you a reason not to. I expect his new job is busier and he gets there and cracks straight on. Maybe he is having lunch with his new colleagues to build relationships and doesn't want to appear rude sat on his phone.

Make sure you have a wider support network and use your time to connect or reconnect with your wider social circle

devildeepbluesea · 27/03/2025 11:10

Wow. If you’re older than 15 I sincerely hope you chill out or you will, most certainly, drive him away. Time to grow up and stop being so pathetic.

ButThisIsMyHappyFace · 27/03/2025 11:18

Here’s a thing OP. He could text you ALL THE TIME and still leave you. He gives no indication that he’s planning anything of the sort. He even says “I’ll always love you!” FfS! I don’t think my DH has even said that! If you fuss about this you’ll end up getting what you don’t want. Stop testing the availability of the affection, or it might not be available anymore! Start asking yourself “why do I find myself wanting to be reassured all the time?”.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/03/2025 11:20

With kindness I would feel so suffocated by you if I was him and I think you should be concerned about pushing him away with your behaviour. Have you done any work on your attachment style? It sounds like you might have an anxious attachment and are reassurance seeking from him. If you haven’t done any work on this I’d recommend reading attached.

Pineapplesour · 27/03/2025 11:39

I think you need to have a sit down discussion with your boyfriend and just let him know how you are feeling. To be honest, I sometimes forget or do not text my husband during the day if I’m working. We live together so I don’t personally feel like we have to message during the day. My husband has never worried about this. Sometimes we can go out with friends, or be at home on social media and do not reply to each other. I don’t think this is a problem.

So your boyfriend has a new job and that can be quite a big life change, I’d say cut him some slack but that doesn’t mean he can’t care about your life, your day etc. He probably doesn’t even realise he’s being like this.

The way I see it is if you love someone, live with them you should be able to tell them how you feel.

00deed1988 · 27/03/2025 11:51

Patterns change. It's just life. When I got with my husband we would text all day. 13 years later it is less. Much less. I may be on a 12.5 hour shift and not contact him once even if I'm not busy. If there's nothing really to say then there is no need. When we got together it was exciting and I wanted to talk to him all the time but now, it's not. It's not that I am 'less interested' but we are comfortable and I don't need to. We are comfortable enough to not need small talk, whereas it sounds like you are insecure in yours as to why you do it and are so concerned now that he isn't.

Pineapplesour · 27/03/2025 11:53

00deed1988 · 27/03/2025 11:51

Patterns change. It's just life. When I got with my husband we would text all day. 13 years later it is less. Much less. I may be on a 12.5 hour shift and not contact him once even if I'm not busy. If there's nothing really to say then there is no need. When we got together it was exciting and I wanted to talk to him all the time but now, it's not. It's not that I am 'less interested' but we are comfortable and I don't need to. We are comfortable enough to not need small talk, whereas it sounds like you are insecure in yours as to why you do it and are so concerned now that he isn't.

I agree, it’s a “growing up” thing too.

I even notice a huge shift in texting friends too, it’s not that we don’t love each other as much it’s just - life!

Walker1178 · 27/03/2025 14:45

I think you’re being a little needy. DP and I live together, we’ll chat in the morning before leaving for work and then talk about our day when we get home. The only time we text is if plans have changed short notice or we need the other to do something before they get home. If he started to message me just for the sake of messaging I’d probably get a little annoyed

Aworldofwonder · 27/03/2025 15:04

Ok

His behaviour has changed. This could be either
His job is consuming him at the moment and that's where his head is
He's gone off you
Something else entirely

Nobody her can tell you. Time will.

However don't spend your own (precious) time trying to solve a puzzle. The answer will come. Focus on yourself. Don't sit around waiting for him to get home or looking out your phone. Go to the gym, meet your friends, progress your own career.

Build your own life up. It's attractive for one thing but more importantly, you shouldn't be in a position where you need him to be happy, you should only want him.

WeeOrcadian · 27/03/2025 15:14

You're overthinking OP, and being needy

Please take a step back

He's busy in a new job, these things take headspace

User9loooool · 27/03/2025 15:30

I do think you might be reading too much into it. I don’t text with my partner very much during the day and we would never be able to keep this kind of communication going long term due to our jobs. We kind of have a debrief at the end of a long day but sometimes my day is boring so I don’t always talk about it, or ask about his either. I wouldn’t have time to check on him either on SM. I always think if he is gonna leave me, then he will anyway I can’t stop him

Swiftie1878 · 27/03/2025 15:32

You really need to grow up. Sorry, but it’s true.

Swiftie1878 · 27/03/2025 15:34

Pineapplesour · 27/03/2025 11:39

I think you need to have a sit down discussion with your boyfriend and just let him know how you are feeling. To be honest, I sometimes forget or do not text my husband during the day if I’m working. We live together so I don’t personally feel like we have to message during the day. My husband has never worried about this. Sometimes we can go out with friends, or be at home on social media and do not reply to each other. I don’t think this is a problem.

So your boyfriend has a new job and that can be quite a big life change, I’d say cut him some slack but that doesn’t mean he can’t care about your life, your day etc. He probably doesn’t even realise he’s being like this.

The way I see it is if you love someone, live with them you should be able to tell them how you feel.

If my partner told me this was how they were ‘feeling’, I’d run a mile. It’s clingy and needy.

Topknotted · 27/03/2025 15:36

Regretsmorethanafew · 27/03/2025 10:16

Texting each other every day that you made it to work is bizarre. Unless you're crossing a snake filled desert and he's swimming the channel, why the need?

Yes. I mean, DS texts me that he made it to school, but he’s 12 and newly at secondary.

YourBestFriend · 27/03/2025 15:38

What is wrong with you OP? You can't possibly be serious. What a load of utter nonsense.
Have you had any traumatic experiences with previous relationships ? Some mental health issues may be at play here. I think you may need therapy of some kind. Have you spoken about this with someone IRL?

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