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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my bf losing interest or am I being absolutely ridiculous?

65 replies

greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:10

So the good things are:

  • we live together, and we are quite affectionate and cuddle etc, our sex life doesn’t appear to be dwindling
  • he will tell me he loves me
  • he’s very caring and kind

however I can’t shake a feeling he’s losing interest (even though I have asked him if anything is wrong, and he has reassured me that there isn’t, and that he would tell me if there was)

He has a new role in his job, which means he is very busy and can’t contact me during the day. Which is fine; he would usually text me saying he made it to work, text me once on lunch, and then text me when he’s leaving.
Recently though he’s been forgetting to text me when he gets to work because he is in a rush, and has texted me a lot less during the day.

He will usually text me on his lunch (he pops home). Yesterday he didn’t, so I asked whether he didn’t have a lunch yesterday. He said he did but he “left his phone in the car by accident so didn’t text me”.

When we were eating breakfast this morning I asked if he had a busy day coming up, and he said he did and told me about a meeting. He didn’t ask about my day. I’m finding this a little bit more frequently.

This morning I left a text saying I made it to work and that i hope he has a lovely day. He texted me to say that he also made it safe and that his meeting had been moved, which is annoying for him, but didn’t acknowledge anything else. That’s all he had time to reply.

I also noticed that he was in a rush eating breakfast and went straight to a busy day at work, and only had time to send one text to me. However I went on instagram and he’d liked our friends posts from this morning - so he’s had time to be on social media..

I just don’t know. If I ask him if everything’s okay he will say everything’s perfect and he’s happy.

He also sometimes texts me saying “I’ll always love you” rather than “I love you” and I worry he doesn’t want to say it?

OP posts:
Original poster
greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:13

He also works a fair bit of overtime (I fully believe he’s at work). Yesterday was the one time I went straight to the gym after work and he happened to finish on time - sods law

OP posts:
LollyLand · 27/03/2025 10:13

Grow up for god sake. He can’t be texting you at work all day long.

Neediness is unattractive and makes you look like you have no life.

Original poster
greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:14

It’s not the fact that he’s not texting me all day. I said that’s okay

it’s the fact his patterns are changing and he just doesn’t seem to want to anymore

OP posts:
MaryGreenhill · 27/03/2025 10:15

Sounds to me like you need to cut him a bit of slack OP.
He is obviously really busy with his new job .

CarrieOnComplaining · 27/03/2025 10:15

I would find it absolutely exhausting to have to text at all these points in the day or be followed up on it.

He has a new job. He needs to focus, his schedules are changing.

He was probably doing all that texting before because he was more bored / less challenged in his job.

No one needs to text that they made it ‘safely’ to work unless they are kayaking across a croc infested lake to get there.

Stop bugging him.

Regretsmorethanafew · 27/03/2025 10:16

Texting each other every day that you made it to work is bizarre. Unless you're crossing a snake filled desert and he's swimming the channel, why the need?

sweetpickle2 · 27/03/2025 10:17

I think it's probably just his new job is taking up more of his brain space than before, but I appreciate it feels bigger because it's a change in your normal behaviour.

You don't say how long you've been together- in my experience, the sort of contact you have in the beginning does start to dwindle a bit, especially if you live together.

Do you have an anxious attachment style, or have you been given a reason to feel anxious with a partner in the past?

IamnotSethRogan · 27/03/2025 10:17

They're fairly pointless texts to send when you're in a committed relationship and living together. You would think you're at the stage where you don't need to prove your interest all the time as it's exhausting. He lives with you and knows he'll be spending the evening with you. He might just think you know he loves you and is interested. Especially as you've said yourself he's still affectionate and loving when he's with you.

bunnypenny · 27/03/2025 10:18

Oh yikes OP - are you quite young? This is not normal neediness. You know why his patterns have changed, he’s just started a new job and he needs to prove himself (one of the reasons why I can’t be arsed changing my job). He can’t have his phone out the whole time. Stop or you’ll drive yourself and him mad.

ilovesooty · 27/03/2025 10:18

I think he might lose interest if you continue with this level of intense expectation.

gannett · 27/03/2025 10:18

He has a new role in his job, which means he is very busy

Do you want to make the obvious, logical connection between this and his "changing patterns" or do you need us to spell it out for you?

I couldn't be doing with this level of neediness or absurd levels of texting in the first place but surely you can join the dots between BUSY NEW JOB and LESS TIME TO TEXT.

BarneyRonson · 27/03/2025 10:19

Yowser. Look up ‘anxious attachment ‘.

Original poster
greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:19

It’s more the changes such as not wanting to text on lunch (when he used to all the time). He also rarely asks about my day, but tells me all about his.
he’s also been on social media this morning

OP posts:
Celia24 · 27/03/2025 10:22

My partner was a big texter like this which made it harder when he dropped off a bit following a new job.

It was a mix of being very busy and being more comfortable in the relationship. I didn’t say anything, and now he does text more some days and not on others. And so do I!

id relax OP or risk looking like you don’t support him in his work.

Mischance · 27/03/2025 10:23

I think you are being a bit demanding to be honest.

He is at work - leave him be. And please do not keep asking him if everything is OK - that can become exceedingly tedious.

Relax and enjoy what you have. It will change over time and become less intense and that is fine.

Fancycheese · 27/03/2025 10:24

I would seriously suggest some therapy to assess whether you could have anxious attachment issues. Also, seriously, some hobbies/interests of your own so you’re not tempted to check if your bf has been on social media that day. Honestly, that way madness lies.

gannett · 27/03/2025 10:28

greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:19

It’s more the changes such as not wanting to text on lunch (when he used to all the time). He also rarely asks about my day, but tells me all about his.
he’s also been on social media this morning

Stop monitoring whether he's on social media, my god.

I am very very very often on social media instead of tackling my messages backlog because I don't need to think to hand out a like and I don't have time to get sucked into a chat.

What on earth do you even text about multiple times per day?

ItGhoul · 27/03/2025 10:29

You're being absolutely ridiculous.

Stop asking him for reassurance. Stop obsessing over whether he has texted you. Stop checking whether he's been on social media. Stop analysing the words he uses to tell you he loves you. Your behaviour is unhealthy and over-anxious.

You don't need to be texting each other every lunchtime ffs.

Jk987 · 27/03/2025 10:37

It does seem like your thoughts revolve around him and you need to get some balance. How come you have so much time to think about texting and checking his Instagram? Aren't you working or having lunch with your team mates etc?

It's great that you went to the gym the day he got home early. I don't see that as a negative!

I think you need to relax and have other interests, socialise with more people other than him.

Original poster
greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:40

I wasn’t monitoring or checking on purpose! I went on there myself and then saw he’d liked the recent posts from this morning. So I naturally just felt a bit down that he hadn’t had time to wish me a good day.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 27/03/2025 10:43

Do you live in a war zone? Why do you have to text each other to say you've made it to work safely?? 🙄 honestly, the amount of scrutiny and analysis of his texting and social media use suggests you have a problem. The poor guy is busy at work and preoccupied with that. Don't let your insecurity destroy a good relationship.

Smellslikeburnttoat · 27/03/2025 10:45

OP you sounds very young and unsure. Please take time to work on your anxiety and also build more busyness into your own life so you don’t have time to worry about these non issues. I’m guessing this is your first serious relationship in your 20s. He may or may not be your long term person but don’t waste your twenties stressing over whether a man has texted you at lunch.

Tarjet · 27/03/2025 10:48

greenwaterbottle4 · 27/03/2025 10:40

I wasn’t monitoring or checking on purpose! I went on there myself and then saw he’d liked the recent posts from this morning. So I naturally just felt a bit down that he hadn’t had time to wish me a good day.

This amount of neediness is going to drive him away faster than the speed of light. You sound exhausting with micro managing and over analysing his texting habits. Calm your boots and enjoy the positives - don’t be manufacturing drama when there isn’t any.

Are you a fan of reality TV shows perchance? I swear this is the cause of so many women dissecting every tiny granule of their partners behaviour and reading more into things than war and peace.

meganorks · 27/03/2025 10:49

To be honest, the level of texting previously sounds excessive to me. So it's understandable if he had a new, busy, stressful job, that he would cut back on that. Nothing about his behaviour seems to suggest that he is less interested in you. Just that he is a bit more preoccupied with his job.

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 10:50

OP, you're taking a bit of a beating but, kindly, the sort of constant communication at the start of a relationship is almost never sustainable nor, frankly, healthy.

The only thing I'd be a bit concerned about is that he's not asking about YOUR day and life. BUT... if you're constantly texting him updates, perhaps he doesn't need to and also, he's clearly got a new job that's very busy and very stressful and so it's not weird for him to be a bit more self obsessed at the moment. Both Dh and I have had similar phases where we've started something new and it's taken up a lot more of our focus for a while.