Sister cut me off

[MyAquaEagle]

My sister (23) and I were very close until early December. She started telling people I was being mean to her and deliberately upsetting her. I got angry and told everyone it wasn’t true and showed people evidence. After an argument with her boyfriend she apologised and admitted it wasn’t true, (I apologised for getting angry) but she then said she no longer wanted contact with me. She convinced my family to uninvited me from Christmas and block me when I tried to resolve everything and go round to their house.

I have 4 kids (8m, 3, 4 and 6). My family provided my social support and my childcare so this was all lost when she cut me off. My husband works a lot and worked all over Christmas, long hours with a 4 hour commute. I was alone the whole time. I’ve had minimal help for the last 4 months.

I have a big family so there was a big impact when it was removed. She’s a very popular member of the family and is easily able to influence others. Many have sided with me, but my immediate family have all sided with her, (she’s the baby of our family and we’re all very protective of her).

My family kept saying they were arranging a meeting. But it never happened. My sister got a therapist and said she’s been told she doesn’t have to talk to me or discuss anything.

After 4 months my sister is now ready to meet again but she doesn’t want to discuss anything. She has refused to apologise. I’ve apologised. I can accept she doesn’t have to apologise to me, and I just accept I can’t trust her not to do it again. But how do have a relationship with my family with her there? Do I just pretend everything’s not awkward and I’m not in a lot of pain from what she’s done to me?

The other problem is my immediate family, they’re refusing to acknowledge she’s done a bad thing by cutting me off for months when I have 4 young kids and rely on them.

AIBU? Should I just get over it?

You are unreasonable to rely so heavily on other people to raise your own children, and also to consider ever forgiving them. Unfortunately, when you rely on other people, they know they can treat you like a doormat and get away with it. If you want to put up with the for the rest of your life then by all means, forgive your sister and family.

Personally I would be staying away from all the toxic people and build my own life away from them.

Does your Sis live with the rest of your immediate family?

So because she shouted loudest, your parents and other siblings (?) stopped speaking to you too? And stopped seeing their Grandchildren/Niece's/Nephew's?

In which case, they have shown you who they are and I would not be rushing back. Find alternative help with the children when needed - you couldn't trust your family just to withdraw help again. Join some toddler groups and meet some like minded other mums. Build your social group away from your family.

Maybe keep a line of communication open - birthday cards etc. But I wouldn't be looking for a close relationship with those that think that little of me.

This all sounds very stressful. Obviously going forward you can not rely on them for childcare help.
It must be a lot to have 4 kids so close together in age . But not to sound to harsh . That was your choice and is your and your husband responsibility.
Also did you have a bad relationship before this with your family? It's so odd they would cut contact with you and your children. Did they not miss them?
It's very mean if you all had no other problems before hand .
I would definitely keep my distance to stop it affecting you so much if happens again

I'm not sure what it is you are trying to gain. These people cut you off completely including your children over the word of your sister. i would tell the lot of them to fuck off

They’ve shown you they don’t value you and they actively favour your sister.

I wouldn’t trust them going forward and I would never involve them In childcare again. If your sister has that much influence you need to think she might start turning your children against you as they grow older if you reconnect with her. She is going to feel very powerful and like she holds all of the cards now after successfully causing that division.

She is toxic, they all support her toxic behaviour. The only family you should concentrate your energies on going forward are your children.

Thanks for your reply’s everyone. I was paying my sister for childcare. (I kept the baby who was EBF). Elder 2 at school, 3rd at preschool, so I wasn’t overwhelming her with work. She asked for the job. It work very well for 2+ years. I was on mat leave, so was keeping her on until I went back to work. I can look after the 4 kids myself on mat leave, but I relied heavily on the emotional support. Myself, my sister and my mum were very very close.

Girl

Cut ties with all of them!

With family like that, who needs enemies!

Get over your „family”. It sounds like all of them have some growing up to do otherwise you’ll be treated like shit over and over again when your sister has a whim to fall out with you.

Find your childcare and social group elsewhere. Stop relying on people who are able to drop you like a hot potato only on somebody else opinion.

Drop the rope and let them come to you then don’t sweep unresolved issues under the carpet. Adult people communicate.Don’t let anybody get away with treating you shoddily.

Yes it hurts like hell but in time to come it’s for your benefit. Blissful life free of drama, antics and unhinged relatives. Peace 🙂

We have absolutely no detail about what you’ve done or what she’s done and therefore who is in the wrong here. For all we know you’ve done something wrong (in her eyes) so she doesn’t want to apologise.

I was worried about the effect it’s having on my children. I’m going back to work soon, my mum’s offered to have the younger kids one day a week and I know my sister will be there helping my mum.

This all sounds very stressful for you.
With kindness (not redirecting any blame or excusing her behaviour), can you think of a trigger for her to change her attitude towards you? It sounds odd that your family, who supported you, would suddenly be against even having you in the house. Have any of them given you a reason why you’re being blocked or ignored?

I agree with previous posters suggesting you focus primarily on your own family. But I understand the desire to repair bridges you weren’t expecting to have been burned.

Fair point. I think it’s complicated. We were very very close (for the past 20 years!). I don’t think anything big has happened. I think maybe she didn’t want to work for me anymore and saw this as a way out rather than quitting. I felt she wasn’t happy but didn’t know why or that it was me. She’s seeing a therapist so there is something, not that I’ve been told. I was trying to reduce her hours, suibtilly so not to offend her if she didn’t want that.

Your sister works/worked for you? That seems like pretty critical information. If you were trying to reduce her hours without knowing if she would be alright with that, that’s sure to raise issues. Have you spoken with her about this specifically?

I'd be very surprised if your entire family cut you off for no reason at all, I think you need to have an honest discussion and find out what's happened here and if you owe anyone an apology.

If its exactly as you say, I'd maybe offer one more chance but if the same happened again there wouldn't be a next time. It would be hugely damaging for your children to have people in and out of their lives like that.

I wouldn't rely on that - I would sort alternative paid childcare.

Whatever is going on will not be helped by you relying them on childcare. If they just drop the rope again you will be stuffed - finding childcare short notice is hard.

I have to guess because she won’t talk to me or anyone. I think maybe she didn’t want to work for me anymore and felt trapped. She wasn’t.
There was a nasty argument driven by her boyfriend, who I don’t know very well. I was crying and saying I wasn’t being nasty to her and he was telling me ‘look at you with your baby. Get back in your car and go home. Everything she said about you was right. You’re nasty.’ I was outside my parents home. I said I was home. He started shouting at me ‘you’re F’ing disgusting’ repeatedly. I didn’t respond. He gives a very different account of this story. We all apologised after this but then my sister instructed my family to stop me coming round.

I agree with you. So I waited for months for her to be ready so we could all talk about what happened and I could apologise and we could move forward.

Do not take up any offers of childcare from your family. If they are prepared to spread lies about you to your wider family, they are also prepared to tell the same lies to your children and try to turn them against you. I’m sorry this has happened to you, but honestly there’s no coming back from it. Do you really want a future of treading on tiptoe around these volatile people while they turn your children into pawns and withdraw their “love” with no notice and no reason? Don’t put yourself through it, and more importantly, don’t put your children through it.

Google "golden child and scapegoat". Have a read & see if it rings true for you.

She didn’t seem happy. I spoke to my mum about it. I offered her more work initially which she turned down. We altered her work arrangement to make her more happy. I started to cut the hours to see if it helped.

Reading this reply if I was to make a guess about what’s happened I would ASSUME your sister felt taken advantage of re-childcare, they didn’t like your emotional outburst infront of your children, they’ve left you to stew on your own for a while with the attitude of “she will need us before we need her”.

In which case I change my mind about the reply I’ve already posted. This relationship might be salvageable, but I think you need to find alternate childcare arrangements for all of your sakes. It sounds like that is the crux of the problem. If childcare is the trigger, I can also understand why your sister might not feel she needs to apologise, especially if she feels taken advantage of.

It all sounds a bit enmeshed to me though I know all families are different. I think you need to either source private childcare or be a SAHM and keep your family relationships as just family relationships. It doesn't sound like there is a way to going back to how things were.

Yes, she still lives at home with my mum and dad. Her boyfriend has also lived there for the past 2 years. I understand your point. My mum has tried very hard to keep contact with us. She’s spent hours talking to me but won’t accept they’ve done anything wrong.

She was employed. She asked for the job

If she doesn't want contact with you, just leave her alone. Invite your other family member round to your house and have a discussion with them on your own, absolutely no need to involve your sister.

Why are you relying on them to help look after your children? Either get a nanny or arrange proper childcare if you can't look after them on your own, 4 children is not difficult, especially when they're that little.