Sister cut me off

[MyAquaEagle]

My sister (23) and I were very close until early December. She started telling people I was being mean to her and deliberately upsetting her. I got angry and told everyone it wasn’t true and showed people evidence. After an argument with her boyfriend she apologised and admitted it wasn’t true, (I apologised for getting angry) but she then said she no longer wanted contact with me. She convinced my family to uninvited me from Christmas and block me when I tried to resolve everything and go round to their house.

I have 4 kids (8m, 3, 4 and 6). My family provided my social support and my childcare so this was all lost when she cut me off. My husband works a lot and worked all over Christmas, long hours with a 4 hour commute. I was alone the whole time. I’ve had minimal help for the last 4 months.

I have a big family so there was a big impact when it was removed. She’s a very popular member of the family and is easily able to influence others. Many have sided with me, but my immediate family have all sided with her, (she’s the baby of our family and we’re all very protective of her).

My family kept saying they were arranging a meeting. But it never happened. My sister got a therapist and said she’s been told she doesn’t have to talk to me or discuss anything.

After 4 months my sister is now ready to meet again but she doesn’t want to discuss anything. She has refused to apologise. I’ve apologised. I can accept she doesn’t have to apologise to me, and I just accept I can’t trust her not to do it again. But how do have a relationship with my family with her there? Do I just pretend everything’s not awkward and I’m not in a lot of pain from what she’s done to me?

The other problem is my immediate family, they’re refusing to acknowledge she’s done a bad thing by cutting me off for months when I have 4 young kids and rely on them.

AIBU? Should I just get over it?

it seems to stem from that argument so might be helpful to get others opinions on what happened that she thought you were nasty. is she trying to get pregnant?

You seem to be just blaming your sister her but the rest of your family are at fault as well if they are willing to treat you like this just because she told them to.
You really need to work out how to manage childcare without them

I agree I need alternative forms of childcare. But how do I now move forward with my family? We all apologised after the argument but then she changed her mind and cut me off

I wouldn't rely on any childcare from them, even one day a week. Put the kids in nursery and deal with it all yourself. Not because I think family doing childcare is wrong but because they can use it to hurt you again and again. The whole situation is too toxic. Focus on your kids and going back to work. Keep everyone at arms' length.

@MyAquaEagle I think take it day by day. Keep a bit distant and polite. The relationship won't recover for a while.

Your sister treated you appallingly and your mother didn't back you up - and won't. ever.

Don't involve them in your childcare arrangements. It will become a mess again, and you will fall foul of for whatever BS your sister cooks up next.

be cool, be distant, your relationship is damaged because they don't think they are in the wrong, they think YOU are. You crawling back looks like an admission of guilt and proof they were right

FUCK THEM ALL.

You are worth more than this. Get a new network around you filled with good people who are kind to you.

Your sister's boyfriend sounds abusive. I'm not sure that I could get over my parents just cutting me off on the say-so of my sister. I wouldn't trust them with childcare because if they do this again, you will be left completely in the lurch.

You sounds like quite an enmeshed family so I would advise you to stop relying on them. Could you afford to pay for extra childcare so that your mum doesn't need to have your baby?

Are you close to your husband's family? Do they provide any help/support?

I don’t think I could ever get over the pain for my whole immediate family ditching me and refusing to be around my children because they wanted to take sides with my sister. I don’t think I could sit in a room with my sister and family and pretend they didn’t just didn’t cut me off for 4 months.

Your sister clearly has issues that she’s dealing with but dragging the family into and not apologising isn’t on.

Any good therapist would tell your sister to discuss her feelings with you and try to move on, not “don’t discuss anything with your sister or apologise and pretend nothings happened”

I think you need to maybe speak to a therapist but give yourself time with your family. They were quick to ditch you and take sides with your sister, hurting you and assuming your children.

Apologising is one thing but you need to see change and take time to get over the hurt

I put yabu, but only because I couldn’t be doing with the drama!
if your sister and especially the rest of your family cut you off just based on her say so, then I wouldn’t want to have contact with them anyway.

I don’t think your family should have uninvited you from Christmas. However you should not be so heavily reliant on your family to help with the children. I have three children and we live away from both sides of the family. My husband used to travel abroad every week when they were under the age of ten. I just got on with it. You are not entitled to family help with childcare.

If you can’t trust your family not to take sides.
If you can’t trust your family not to take things out on your children.
You can’t trust your family and should be very careful about future engagements with them.

Well it's hard to gauge what actually went on from just your side of the story to be honest.

It's odd your whole family cut you off after you and your sister fell out. Thats not normal.

"Entitled to childcare"?

I think you missed the part where OP was paying her sister to look after the children, because her sister asked for the job.

She's entitled to the childcare she is PAYING for.

I agree. Show them you don't 'need' their help, so that any communication with them is strictly as a family and nothing else.

I would suggest that you turn down any offers of babysitting or having the children on their own. Do not allow them to have any power over you and your little family. That might change in the future, but in the meantime they are going to have to earn back your trust - the trust that they themselves broke.

Finally, if your sister's bf is still on the scene and living at your parents' house, avoid being around him at all costs. He has broken a cardinal rule in his treatment of you - interfering with his gf's family - and if your parents don't recognise that he is being manipulative (and I'm quite sure he has long term designs on your parents' house/money), then they deserve whatever is coming to them as he cuts off their other family and isolates them from family support. (Yes, I know I'm catastrophising, but he does not sound like he's grateful for the home your parents have given him).

Agree with @DeathNote11 Google "golden child and scapegoat".

It all sounds very toxic, I wouldn’t even bother with having anything to do with any of them again. Stop apologising, tell the family you want to keep in touch but your done, whether they believe you or not you were verbally attacked by this boyfriend while holding your child ( were your other children there?). You don’t care what they believe any more, they have shown their lack of care and support for you by cutting you and your children off.

If your sis wants to see you again fine, but it will be on the condition she talks what happened through as your not going to sweep it under the carpet just because she has dictated this.

if your parents and other siblings want a relationship with you and your children it will be on your terms and not at a house you were thrown/cut out of, you don’t want your children around that toxicity.

I have nothing to do with my toxic family, they were never involved in childcare so that was no loss to me. I had enough when I saw my toxic scapegoated upbringing starting to take place with my children, with them being played off against my siblings children. I had previously been NC and was very much on guard when I allowed them back in. We managed a few years of relative peace before I walked away that was 7 years ago and I’ve no regrets. My children are in a far happier and healthier place without my family in their lives.

Did your family actually block you for 4 months too, or just stop you from coming round? If they all live together, it would have been impossible to ban her from Christmas. They were in a hard position. You weren't on your own - you had your husband and all your children. Would have been different if they'd left you to Christmas by your lonesome.

Whatever happened, your sister is clearly working though something in therapy. I'd tread cautiously and slowly.

Re the rest of your family, it depends, I think, if they still called and texted you during The Big Freeze, or if they cut you off completely based on a minor argument.

I don't think I'd be in a rush to rebuild the relationship if they completely cut you off, and if the reasons wasn't serious (e.g. your sister had accused you of something unforgivable and they felt they had to side with her as no one would make that sort of thing up).

Re your childcare, sort this externally. Whether or not you pay them, keeping it in the family isn't working for you and your family dynamics.

PS I'm so sorry your family has turned out to be a bunch of people who don't have your back at all times. Remember, friends are the family you choose - you can build a different support network in time. A better one.

You don’t. They’ve made it very clear how little you matter compared to your sister. Be polite, but don’t go chasing after them.

She’s clearly a very immature 23 year old. You need to have a discussing around it instead of busying her head in the sand like it never happened 😳 what gets sorted from that? Nothing!

@MyAquaEagle to be honest, I would cut out the lot of them!! they all sound horrible. make other arrangements and dont see them again. they cannot treat you like this without expecting any repercussions!

Yes – it seems odd they have dropped all support on the say so from 23-yo sister.

What’s that all about OP? It must be very upsetting for you.

I think it's very sad that so many people on here think that we shouldn't rely on family. We're humans. We're meant to live in tribes and help each other.

OP your family sound as if they're slightly short of brain cells to just side with your sister with no discussion. Your sister has far too much power and no integrity. All you can hope for is that she grows up at some point.

The whole story sounds weird but we can only take your word for it. I would prioritize finding alternative care so you are snoring dependent on them anymore and I wouldn't cut them off but the relationship will probably be at arms length going forward.

Depending on then for childcare or emotional support will only lead to disappointment and hurt.

Her bf sounds like a narcissistic pr##k he's probably the 1 behind it all to be honest. Me personally would walk away not worth your own sanity 😊

People who are employed and want the job can still feel taken advantage of.

This must have something to do with you trying to mess with her hours without having a proper convo about what she actually wanted.

I don’t believe your whole family, who you have been very close to, would just cut you off for no reason. You are either not telling the whole story here, or you have not been reading the room and been too tied up in your own life to realise how you were treating and making other people feel.