Sister cut me off

[MyAquaEagle]

My sister (23) and I were very close until early December. She started telling people I was being mean to her and deliberately upsetting her. I got angry and told everyone it wasn’t true and showed people evidence. After an argument with her boyfriend she apologised and admitted it wasn’t true, (I apologised for getting angry) but she then said she no longer wanted contact with me. She convinced my family to uninvited me from Christmas and block me when I tried to resolve everything and go round to their house.

I have 4 kids (8m, 3, 4 and 6). My family provided my social support and my childcare so this was all lost when she cut me off. My husband works a lot and worked all over Christmas, long hours with a 4 hour commute. I was alone the whole time. I’ve had minimal help for the last 4 months.

I have a big family so there was a big impact when it was removed. She’s a very popular member of the family and is easily able to influence others. Many have sided with me, but my immediate family have all sided with her, (she’s the baby of our family and we’re all very protective of her).

My family kept saying they were arranging a meeting. But it never happened. My sister got a therapist and said she’s been told she doesn’t have to talk to me or discuss anything.

After 4 months my sister is now ready to meet again but she doesn’t want to discuss anything. She has refused to apologise. I’ve apologised. I can accept she doesn’t have to apologise to me, and I just accept I can’t trust her not to do it again. But how do have a relationship with my family with her there? Do I just pretend everything’s not awkward and I’m not in a lot of pain from what she’s done to me?

The other problem is my immediate family, they’re refusing to acknowledge she’s done a bad thing by cutting me off for months when I have 4 young kids and rely on them.

AIBU? Should I just get over it?

Is your sister living in your parents' house or the other way round. I'm wondering why they would stop you from visiting on her say so. You say that your Mum has spoken to you a lot. What did she say?

Use other childcare and just be polite with them.

Don’t rely on them for anything and don’t over share or pass comment on any of their issues. Arms length civil.

Keep is very surface level like acquaintance.

I think you need to ask them for family counselling so you can all air everything out in a secure space. She needs to tell you what was wrong and you need to tell your family that they abandoned you. Not even just because of childcare but the idea of my family suddenly deciding I was no longer welcome without a real explanation because of my sibling is heart breaking. I can just feel the backlash of this being every time something even small happens you’re gunna suddenly feel like they are gunna disappear again and that’s awful. Your family are the people that should never abandon you and that is what they did, it leaves a mark and you need to talk about it.

So sorry for quoting the OP! And I haven't rtft either.

What did your sister specifically say you were doing to annoy her, that you had evidence to prove otherwise?
Are you similar ages?
Do you think her bf is to do with the fallout?
Have any of your family spoken to you since the fallout?

I think you shouldn't wait for any more conversation on the argument.Don't mention it to your family. Keep it light, respectful. I think you should still be there for your sister (without the answers to the questions i asked. She might be genuinely mean) if you care, but be aware it could happen again.

Either way, I did some gardening earlier and had two (four 😶) gin and tonics that went straight behind my eyes 😂 so, I think summing up, fuck em 😂

what did you do? something big is missing from this version of events.

@MyAquaEagle Maybe she wants her own kids and house. And facilitating yours was making her jealous, depressed or pissing her off - even if she chose the job. Do you feel sure you weren’t appearing to take her for granted?

If I fill in gaps, it reads like she was going home miserable, telling that to the boyfriend and your parents, and making them annoyed. It’s hard to live with a miserable person. After the argument, they didn’t want you around - maybe because they didn’t want an argument repeated, regardless of whose fault it was? I wonder if you participated in that argument more than you are saying here.

OP, I feel for you being isolated like that. It’s not nice. You must have meant well paying your sister to nanny, but you also you sound of view that you’re entitled to help from your family, which you are not.

Suggested way forward:

1. hire your own childcare.
2. Leave your sister to mull. She’s obviously trying to sort something out in therapy, and if she and the boyfriend live with parents, it’s obvs not an ideal living arrangement. She has her own fish to fry. So let her.
3. If you’ve nothing to apologise for, stop offering apology and get on with your life.
4. If you want to see your parents, just go over - drop in, have a cup of tea, unaware of any tension. Don’t let her have that power of isolating you from the home. There doesn’t need to be a big family meeting or agreement. Don’t make a big thing out of it and put pressure on the situation. Drop in to see your mum and have a chat, be civil with the sister and boyfriend, and otherwise cut them loose until they grow up.
5. Don’t hire your siblings - it’s just doesn’t work. The power dynamics always turns things to pot.

Good luck

Thank you so much for all your comments and advice. You don’t understand how helpful it has been to read through all your different perspectives and opinions

Her boyfriend saying ‘look at you with your baby’ makes me wonder if she’s struggling to get pregnant and she perceives that you’ve made her feel bad about it (quite probably unknowingly)? Could that have happened, and she’s told her boyfriend and because he’s also affected he’s reacted like this? Not that it’s ok anyone reacting like this? He sounds a bit manipulative?
And I wonder how come you don’t really know him if he’s lived with you sister as your parents house for 2 years?