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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend lost to church

107 replies

Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 07:45

Hello
Changed my username for this. I just need to vent I suppose. Friend of many years says she can no longer be friends with me (and a few others) as we are against her faith. She says she only wants friends who are Christians. I'm baffled by this. I grew up with parents who were Christians (mum more than dad ) and I enjoyed church, and have gone intermittently in my adult years. I really enjoy the volunteering element of church and helping with the projects etc but I've always been clear with everyone that I'm not sure I believe in God. There are a few people at every church I have been to who also share this feeling, it's not uncommon.
The church she goes to is pretty fundamental (no gay people, etc and when I went there once, Trump was mentioned in the sermon and half the people clapped. I'm in the UK btw)
I'm equally sad, baffled and annoyed.
I knowntheres nothing I can really do, but I feel like she is being radicalised!

OP posts:
Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 09:05

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I'm not sure they can be legally banned but they are directed to the course and encouraged to choose different path. Yes it is UK

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Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 09:07

QuickPeachPoet · 26/03/2025 08:50

This happened to me and I AM Christian!
My former friend found a very radical ‘church‘ cult, got rebaptised, and cut off everything and everyone associated with her former life, family included.

This is it. It is a church, with a church building and a presence In our town. I spoke to a church leader at a different church and they described it as "charismatic"

OP posts:
Springhassprungthesunisout · 26/03/2025 09:11

Similar situation with a friend who is a regular churchgoer yet has developed the most unChristian superior outlook on people. I'm not sure our friendship will last much longer tbh.

JeremiahBullfrog · 26/03/2025 09:25

A lot of churches in America are movingbfrom worshipping Christ to worshipping Trump and it sounds like this one may be the same. No wonder they don't want her having friends outside church - people in this country don't tend to hesitate to criticise their idol!

Rubixbutt · 26/03/2025 09:36

when my mental health was wrecked I turned to church. Clearly vulnerable and was taken advantage of. So this thread makes me feel uneasy but I just wanted to say please “be there” for if / when she comes out the other side.

She’ll be embarrassed & mortified like I am still even though I’m 4 years doing down the line!

Even so, Christianity isn’t supposed to be as you’ve described OP. Not sure how it’s still going “wrong” in 2025.

Shudder!

QuickPeachPoet · 26/03/2025 09:53

Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 09:07

This is it. It is a church, with a church building and a presence In our town. I spoke to a church leader at a different church and they described it as "charismatic"

Sadly places like this prey on very vulnerable people, offer them ‘community’ and ‘belonging’ that they crave and they are just too blinkered to see reality.
I still pray for my former friend. I hope she is ok.

Thingamebobwotsit · 26/03/2025 09:58

No advice but this happened to me about 20 years ago. Wasn't a cult per se but very fundamental evangelical church.

We'd grown up in a big gaggle of close friends. All fairly average and normal. Pub on a Friday, but not to the point of blotto, no drugs, no messing around above and beyond usual teenage/20 something antics. But this one Friend simply didn't think we were good enough people to hang around with any more, and wasn't ashamed to tell us all and then ghost us.

Am sure he is fine now, but was very very odd at the time.

Nutmuncher · 26/03/2025 10:05

Your friend is in a cult.

Religion is evil- regardless the book or god - once you dig deep and blindly follow the fundamentals it tends to result in these types of situations.

Hopefully they realise their mistake before they lose everyone they knew pre-cult.

MattCauthon · 26/03/2025 10:08

Well, having grown up in quite a religious environment, I find this weird. Because the single biggest thing that most of our church leaders etc were on about was "saving" all those who had not accepted jesus christ as their saviour. The risk was NOT that people were cut off, the risk was that THEY would cut off the "charasmatic" christians who tended to go on and on and on about the need to accept Christ, constantly inviting their friends to church and other services etc etc etc.

SquashedMallow · 26/03/2025 10:10

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miamimmmy · 26/03/2025 10:10

came on to say what @Rubixbutt says, if there was ever a time she needed to hear an actually Christian message of ‘my door is open to you’ (when you realise that this is a cult)…I sympathise - I work with a nice person who has somehow gotten sucked into similar - it doesn’t match any of the churches I’ve been to. Sometimes you have to let people go and they may come back…

TheSparkling · 26/03/2025 10:15

I am sorry for you, it's hard to lose a friendship so abruptly. However I am also sad for your friend. When (hopefully) she realises the true situation she will leave the cult and find herself friendless and totally alone.
I know because I was the person sucked into a cult, isolated from family, friends and the outside world. I didn't have any control over my life. I was there for nearly 10 years and I managed to leave with my children and husband. We were fortunate in that my in laws are very supportive and helped us get back on our feet.
Saying that the longer term consequences are still difficult to deal with. I lost some good friends and it's been impossible to re build or replace those friendships. It makes me very sad.
I would urge you to keep yourself open to her (if you can) because she will need a good friend if she leaves.

Xis · 26/03/2025 10:20

YeGodsandLittleFishies

Jesus spent time with all sorts of people considered social outcasts and “spiritually unclean” including tax collectors, lepers, prostitutes, those possessed by demons, Samaritans, adulterers and criminals.

Well, that was Jesus, who as well as being all man, was all God. Many human beings are not as clear-sighted or as strong-willed. You are all assuming that this break in the friendship is due to some decree or advice from the church leadership. It may just be because a new Christian recognises that hanging out with her old friends is likely to lead to her falling into sin, because of the culture of that group. If, for example, she knows that going clubbing will likely lead to excessive alcohol consumption, reduced inhibitions and copping off with some random, it’s best to steer clear.

It may also just be that she no longer has space in her life for old friends, especially if they can’t bond over the same things. There may be a lot of church groups and activities, including social groups and events that she needs to fit into the week. Add in time for daily devotionals and she could be really stretched thin time-wise. It’s a common tale on Mumsnet. People often struggle to give friendships the time they need and when the bonding situation ceases, like the kids go off to secondary school or one person leaves the workplace, the friendship withers. But mention church or Christian on Mumsnet and the story immediately changes to ‘cult’.

Most churches don’t ask people to cut off old friends or acquaintances, even the ones Mumsnetters call ‘fundamentalist’. They tend to be all about spreading the good news of the gospel, which is challenging, but easier to do in a meaningful way with people you already know than with strangers. Your life is meant to be a witness to the soundness of your new beliefs.

Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 10:28

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It is 100%genuine. I've explained their stance. It's obviously illegal to be banned for sexuality but the policy is that gay members need to be abstaining/going on their courses

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Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 10:29

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Also trump is literally supported by Christians

I grew up in Christian churches, that's why i know this is different

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Skye99 · 26/03/2025 10:31

Only wanting friends who are Christian isn't at all a Christian thing. I've been an evangelical Christian for 35 years and I've never met anyone with that attitude! Quite the opposite – it's good to have non-Christian friends: you can share the good news with them.

I've never been to a church that would say 'no gay people'. Having a course for same-sex attracted Christians is hardly the same thing. Gay people would always be welcome in the churches I have gone to. The Bible says that everyone is made in the image of God, and valuable to him, and tells us to love our neighbour.

Trump has never been popular among my Christian friends. Politics has not been mentioned in church. The church your friend is at sounds unusual in that way.

However, I doubt they are teaching her not to be friends with non-Christians. I think that is probably her own feeling. Hopefully she will come out of it at some point.

I’d just be there for her.

Changedusernameforthis2 · 26/03/2025 10:31

Xis · 26/03/2025 10:20

YeGodsandLittleFishies

Jesus spent time with all sorts of people considered social outcasts and “spiritually unclean” including tax collectors, lepers, prostitutes, those possessed by demons, Samaritans, adulterers and criminals.

Well, that was Jesus, who as well as being all man, was all God. Many human beings are not as clear-sighted or as strong-willed. You are all assuming that this break in the friendship is due to some decree or advice from the church leadership. It may just be because a new Christian recognises that hanging out with her old friends is likely to lead to her falling into sin, because of the culture of that group. If, for example, she knows that going clubbing will likely lead to excessive alcohol consumption, reduced inhibitions and copping off with some random, it’s best to steer clear.

It may also just be that she no longer has space in her life for old friends, especially if they can’t bond over the same things. There may be a lot of church groups and activities, including social groups and events that she needs to fit into the week. Add in time for daily devotionals and she could be really stretched thin time-wise. It’s a common tale on Mumsnet. People often struggle to give friendships the time they need and when the bonding situation ceases, like the kids go off to secondary school or one person leaves the workplace, the friendship withers. But mention church or Christian on Mumsnet and the story immediately changes to ‘cult’.

Most churches don’t ask people to cut off old friends or acquaintances, even the ones Mumsnetters call ‘fundamentalist’. They tend to be all about spreading the good news of the gospel, which is challenging, but easier to do in a meaningful way with people you already know than with strangers. Your life is meant to be a witness to the soundness of your new beliefs.

Yeah, this is not a reflection of what's happened

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MattCauthon · 26/03/2025 10:33

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You're clearly living a very sheltered life. Lots and lots of churches will insist that no one who is openly gay can be part of the church. Many will actively preach against homosexuality. Needless to say, those churches tend to attract christians who are either not gay, or who are in deep denial. Churches that are more open will attract christians who are also more open.

Poutysorry · 26/03/2025 10:34

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TheSparkling · 26/03/2025 10:36

I can assure you there are definitely churches in the UK who call gay people to be celebrate and teach that being gay is not God's will.
There are also churches that preach about leaving the old self behind and that can include friends and lifestyles too. It's very naive to think this isn't happening in Britain today.

Poutysorry · 26/03/2025 10:36

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Xis · 26/03/2025 10:37

Trump being supported by Christians is mostly an American phenomenon. These are people who somehow square support of the death penalty with the commandment, ‘Thou shalt not kill’. (I guess they focus on ‘An eye for an eye’, but that’s an Old Testament thing that’s been overridden by the New Testament.)

JazbayGrapes · 26/03/2025 10:38

yep, she joined a cult

Hoppinggreen · 26/03/2025 10:44

Its a Cult, one that has given itself legitimacy by claiming to be Christian
Just leave her to it and be there if it all goes wrong. Try not to be too strong in your judgement of it though as if she has doubts she might feel she can't express them to you

Cyclebabble · 26/03/2025 10:44

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So, no they would not stop a gay person coming in. What they would do is to look them in the face and say you are going to burn in hell for eternity and offer counselling to change their sexuality. I have seen this in evangelical Churches in England and it will be happening every week. If you imagine a vulnerable gay 13 year old boy or girl, this will have an enormous negative impact on mental health. Similarly if you are a girl, being told that men have authority over you (evangelical Churches think quite a lot of Saint Paul), then this will also constrain your outlook on life and makes you vulnerable to domestic abuse.

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