Partner and Night Shifts - WIBU?

[PinkPonyClub98]

Me and my partner have been together for 18 months, and are talking about potentially moving in together at some point in the near future, because he spends a lot of his time here instead of at his place anyway.

Partner works for the NHS, although up until this point, has chosen to work night shifts for the extra money. He works about 2 weeks of night shifts every 5-6 weeks.

One of the concerns I raised about us living together was about these night shifts. I am home most of the time (I’m taking some time off due to health issues and this is potentially going to be a long term thing - financially I can afford this thankfully), and it would mean me having to stay incredibly quiet all day and not being able to potter about as usual until he woke up at around 4pm in the afternoon. I live in a bungalow, which whilst spacious, the rooms are all next to each other so you can hear everything going on. I can’t move into another property at the moment due to my health issues and it being adapted for me, all one level, etc.

The other reason being, that I have a young DD who has autism, and if the night shifts fall on a weekend there is no way of keeping her quiet whilst he slept and taking her out can be tricky at times due to places being busy and her wanting to be at home unwinding after a long week at school.

He wasn’t best pleased with this, as financially he would be losing out, but WIBU to raise these issues? Are they valid concerns?

Of course they are valid. Anyone wanting to commit to spending their life with you and your child should not be dismissing them.

Definitely best to get that all out in the open and agreed before he moves in. If his night shifts are more important, you can stay living apart.

When my husband worked nights he slept with earplugs in .
Perhaps he could try them.

DH works a lot of NHS night shifts; but he’s done this for so long and through having small children that it’s accepted that while we will not take the p!&&, normal life has to go on. Has he ever lived with children while working nights? What’s his expectation?

Can he not just wear earplugs?

No he has never lived with a child before, so it would definitely be a new experience for him, despite being here with us quite a lot anyway (but having his own place to go back to when needed), and ear plugs potentially, how well they would work though would be another matter as our house can be quite chaotic at times and my DD does have autistic meltdowns etc

As he will probably be saving money moving in with you, can't he just do day shifts or does he have to do nights as part of his contract?

Presumably you will share bills etc., if he moves in with you, so his expenses should decrease, in which case, wouldn't that make up for any money he loses by giving up the night shifts?

He will be saving quite a bit - about £800 a month in living costs - but no, nights aren’t part of his contract

Really admire you for using forethought, so we'll done there.

Read into "he wasn't best pleased" as you will...any word of compromise from him?

I'd imagine you'd be able to potter about in the daytime, you probably don't make as much noise as you think.

It'll depend on what time your DP leaves for work but when my dad did nights my mother would do all that needed doing while he slept and then vacuum round once he'd gone to work.

It's not going to be easy to be easy to keep your little one quiet though and let's be honest, if you're in the UK you can't always guarantee that the weather is going to be kind even if you wanted to get out and about.
You also need to factor in all school holidays too.

Could staying with day shifts and stopping nights be part of the plan when he moves in then, he could take a bigger part in family life that way and no missed sleep outside of the usual.

I absolutely don't think you are unreasonble in your OP everything should be on the table when moving in together.

I’m not reliant on benefits so it won’t make any impact financially, you shouldn’t really make assumptions that every single person with a health condition is in the same boat.

He currently rents his own place and has done for the last few years

and ear plugs potentially, how well they would work

I wear ear plugs and after trying and binning many a foam type I came across these wax one's, can't hear a thing and my DH can snore some.

Forget about the night shifts I’d be moving no man in after 18 months if I had a child.

I wouldn’t move in together.

There are obviously lots of things you need to discuss together before he thinks about moving in. Also, you should have a trial period living together before he gives up his own home. There are significant aspects of your and your DC's life that are non-negotiable. It doesn't make either you or your partner wrong, just different lifestyles.

I don’t think the whole thing is a good idea especially with your young child and their needs. Why don’t you carry on as you are?

I don’t get your financial situation but you don’t seem concerned about that.

The fact he ‘wasn’t best pleased’ would raise red flags for me. He should also be interested in making sure if he moves in every eventuality is thought of to make sure it’s harmonious for all.