Partner and Night Shifts - WIBU?

[PinkPonyClub98]

Me and my partner have been together for 18 months, and are talking about potentially moving in together at some point in the near future, because he spends a lot of his time here instead of at his place anyway.

Partner works for the NHS, although up until this point, has chosen to work night shifts for the extra money. He works about 2 weeks of night shifts every 5-6 weeks.

One of the concerns I raised about us living together was about these night shifts. I am home most of the time (I’m taking some time off due to health issues and this is potentially going to be a long term thing - financially I can afford this thankfully), and it would mean me having to stay incredibly quiet all day and not being able to potter about as usual until he woke up at around 4pm in the afternoon. I live in a bungalow, which whilst spacious, the rooms are all next to each other so you can hear everything going on. I can’t move into another property at the moment due to my health issues and it being adapted for me, all one level, etc.

The other reason being, that I have a young DD who has autism, and if the night shifts fall on a weekend there is no way of keeping her quiet whilst he slept and taking her out can be tricky at times due to places being busy and her wanting to be at home unwinding after a long week at school.

He wasn’t best pleased with this, as financially he would be losing out, but WIBU to raise these issues? Are they valid concerns?

Well what is the compromise? Because all the suggestions here are things he should do / change. It just doesn’t sound like moving in will work for you both right now!

Why would he lose out financially? Have you suggested he stops the nights?

How much will he lose? More than the amount he'll save by sharing.

Tbh, if he's not best pleased about moving in, maybe he shouldn't? Moving in with two people is definitely going to incur some noise. It's part and parcel of family life.

There’s a pretty straightforward one here.

Talk about how things might work. Ear plugs,day trips out etc. Then try it for a fortnight while he’s still
got his own place and see how things go. If the plan isn’t working he can bail to his, get caught up on sleep and you can rethink things together with a different approach.

People do have lives outside of being on MN all day long… to answer some questions, moving in wouldn’t be immediate, we are talking more towards the end of the year, we would have been together around 2 years at that point. He has been staying over consistently since meeting DD around 6 months ago, we had been together a year at that point. DD enjoys having him here as we have built a routine for the nights he stays over, and it doesn’t disrupt her at all. I have also suggested a trial period before we make any decisions, again that wouldn’t be for at least another 6-7 months or so, just to see how it goes without making any permanent commitments.

Yes we have spoken about finances, finances aren’t actually what I was asking about though, as we are both fairly comfortable with money and pay our own way.

Obviously if he insists on keeping the night shifts, we won’t be moving in together in the future.

Mid 30’s, no children, we don’t know if we would have any together at this point.

No …. Dont do it!
I find it really restricting when my DH does nights, even tho I’ve older NT kids, he still gets disrupted sleep and then he gets very grumpy and we all end up unhappy…
if it’s not better for you financially keep two homes and then You’d have a relationship

I have kids and used to work night shifts. I second the wax ear plugs. I think there’s a compromise to be made. Maybe he can cut down on nights and request week days only? Weekends are normally more popular as it’s more money so if his workplace is flexible they may well go for that

When you work nights you are the one that has to do these things.

And I agree with you about this not working for the OP

We’ve already had discussions like this. Anyway this has nothing to do with the actual post, so I won’t be answering any further questions that don’t relate to what I’ve asked.

You maybe better off doing what a lot of couples do which is live apart and visit often.

My dad worked nights and quick turnaround shifts, home at 6am and back to work at 2pm we were young babies and toddlers through to 14 years old, we didn't pander to him, life we t on. Lawn got mowed, smoothies were made, dog barked at every sound. He needs to get used to it.

He needs to stay in yours when on night shifts. Then decide if he's better off continuing to rent, or give up nights. As you move to live together, he should in your's more. You need everything sorted out first, housework, who controls the remote, ability to be quiet while your DD sleeps etc.

Why not do a trial for a few weeks? Just so he can see if he can sleep through the level of daytime noise (incl weekends) and how much you mind keeping the house relatively quiet during week days? Basically see if a fair compromise can be found.

Unless he is willing to switch to day shifts whilst your DD is going, I wouldn’t move in with him, regardless of how he feels about it.

please don’t put his needs above your child’s x

Young*

I don’t think letting a night shift worker move in would work. Night shift plays havoc with your mind and metabolism. At the moment he can unwind from the night work in his own home. I expect it would be very hard for him, as someone who has never lived with a child, to share a home with an autistic child who is possibly unpredictable. If he agrees to moving in without the night work it would be different.

Your partner needs to wear ear plugs and realise that the world doesn't stop for him just because he works nights.

As even if your DD didn't have autism she wouldn't be quiet in the day. A couple of my SILs and my DP used to work night shifts regularly while they had children around of different ages. Teenagers can actually be louder as they are bigger and tend to turn the sound up in things they are watching/listening to.

Then there is neighbours doing building work plus workmen drilling deep trenches into the road to replace gas/water pipes.

They all learnt how to sleep through day time noise.

Firstly well done on considering the impact on you and DD before you do anything difficult to reverse - and I think his night shifts will be a big problem for you. You and your DD can't creep round your house like you are on egg shells whilst he sleeps, that would be a horrible existence for even a couple of days, let alone for 2 weeks at a time in an ongoing basis. I would say stay separate, he can use his place when he does nights, and you can be together when that works for everyone.

Even if he stops nights and you decide to move in together as a trial I'd say keep the other home available for 6+ months. I reckon he'd find living with a child difficult from what you say. I used to works night occasionally I didn't make my partner keep to my schedule otherwise he would actually be missing out on his life. I used to have a black out blind, shut the door and wear an eye-mask and beary quiet ear plugs. But being able to sleep is as much a mind set as anything and I think your DP may raise some problems because his attitude seems uncompromising.