To be a bit annoyed with DH?

[Trovindia]

I might be unreasonable here, potentially. I haven't said anything to him.

DH is the main earner, he works from home and is senior and so we have flexibility.

I had to give up working as both our children have SEN and DD also has a health condition. She doesn't attend school full time, and DS has to be taken out to be home educated. I handle everything to do with the children, organising school/tutors/groups, and clubs.

We have a family diary and weeks ago I booked for me to take DS to an educational group this morning, then to see social activity, and later today I need to take DD to a local college as part of the admissions process.

This would usually mean DH is at home working and can supervise DD and support her getting up, and could then "supervise" ie be in the same building as DS later when I have to take DD to the college.

A few days ago he announced he was going to an in person meeting two hours away, all day.

This meant I had to cancel the social activity for DS as I needed to get back to support DD. But it also means that I now need to take DS with us to the college which is going to be very difficult and inconvenient and quite possibly inappropriate given it is effectively an interview. I need to be there with DD because she needs support due to her disability.

My aibu is am I being unreasonable to be a bit pissed off with DH who didn't take any of this into account and hasn't apologised or attempted to make any arrangements for child care for DS so that I don't have to take him. I'm pretty sure he hasn't even realised that this has put me in a difficult situation.

I appreciate that he is the main earner but he can only be that because I have given up my entire career in order to work around the family and be the carer and home educator. If I wasn't doing that then we would have a major issue on our hands. One of us had to give up work and it ended up being me even though my earning potential is as much as or even more than DH.

So, AIBU? or do I have a bit of a reason to be annoyed with the lack of consideration?

I think YABU - sometimes in-person meetings can't be avoided, however senior you are.

Did he have a choice about the meeting?

Unfortunately, I know it's hard but you can't really guarantee that he will be available in his working hours to be able to look after the children if he is the breadwinner.

Unless you agree in advance and he books the time off.

Edited to add: YANBU, I get how hard it is and why your annoyed.

If it couldn't be avoided then he needed to make the arrangements, not you. I slowly realised after many years that if I jumped in and sorted things, DH would continue to believe that these things were only my responsibility. If it happens again, say, well - ok let me know what alternative plans you've made for the DC.

This is my point, it's not that he had to go to a meeting but that he didn't think at all about what would then happen to the child he was supposed to be "supervising" as I wouldn't be home. If things were reversed, I would organise something or at least have a conversation about it. But he just leaves it to me, it doesn't even cross his mind.

The point wasn't about him going to the meeting, it was about him not thinking about or making arrangements for the child he would have been nominally supervising. He just dumped it on me without a word, it probably didn't even cross his mind.

What would he have said if you had asked him as PP suggested to let you know what arrangements he had made to look after the DC he was supervising? Would he have rearranged the meeting?

He might have tried to but I just thought he could have asked our neighbour or his friend who sometimes babysits, or even just mentioned it to me so that I knew it had crossed his mind! I would never ask him to rearrange a meeting unless it was an emergency situation.

He will never know unless you tell him. I would definitely ask my DH how important is the meeting, can it be moved? He always tries to accommodate the families plans where possible.

During working hours, your role is the parenting and his role is to work. Even though he works from home, he should be working not "supervising" children. If his job takes him to meetings, he shouldn't have a situation where he needs to clear it with you if it's during working hours, he's paid during those hours so he's at his employer's disposal, not yours.

At the same time, clearly you have your hands full with two children and their needs, perhaps you need to look at additional support if you're financially able and it's not physically possible to be in two places at once.

Also, make sure you're getting breaks evenings and weekends, you're working a demanding job too so he needs to support the family during non-working hours.

Sorry YABU.

He is WFH...that means he is working not supervising a child.

If you need childcare and dh can't book time off then you need to arrange paid childcare. In my book that is on you to arrange not him.

If it was an evening/weekend or he had booked a day off and then gone golfing or the like then you would not be being unreasonable.

I think you need a sit down conversation with your DH to possibly reassess your roles.

If you’re potentially the higher earner, would he consider switching places with you and being the SAHD? If not, he needs to realise that he has the privilege of working BECAUSE you are handling the very difficult job of raising your DC and handling all their additional needs.

If he would, perhaps you need to switch for a while and you be the main breadwinner. Or perhaps both work part time and care for your DC part time if that’s possible in your line of work.

You both have different stresses, main-earner and main carer, and maybe you both need some time in each others shoes?

I'm pretty sure he hasn't even realised that this has put me in a difficult situation.

Then tell him.

It's all very well thinking "he should realise" but... He doesn't.

You said you had it on the family diary, but had you actually asked him? "DH, on Friday I need you to supervise DS at home while I take DD for her interview, will that work for you?"
In my opinion, your husband working from home would mean that you are often lucky that he is there and you can leave a child at home while doing something for the other, but I wouldn't expect it. He's meant to be working full time. If someone needed him to attend a work meeting, he can't exactly say "sorry I can't make it that day as I'm looking after my DS" when it's during his usual work hours- without booking leave?

Yes we had discussed it. I would never assume he can do it, on the odd occasion I need to be in two places at once I ask him if it's ok and he checks his diary and confirms if he will be at home and not on calls. So we had checked this and confirmed it. If he can't then I cancel whatever I wanted to do with DS, because DD has to come first at the moment. So if he's said he can, I expect him to understand that if he just changes the plan it puts me in a difficult situation.

I'm desperately trying to juggle both kids and give them the best of opportunities and I just want a bit of support!

Ok but I don't want to have to tell him. I want him to realise I'm his own

Well then I'd rather he went to the office instead of getting under my feet and making mess all day then! If he can't help out a bit (and he can, he has a lunch break and he always takes it) then having him here working from home is actually really bloody annoying. There needs to be a benefit for me or he should go into work. At least then I know I really am on my own in all of this.

This.

And you say "main earner", but is he the sole provider? If so his job is really rather important to your family. He has to be able to focus on work in working hours.

Well obviously he hasn't and you need to open your mouth 🙄

Do you normally not tell him things like this? You’re annoyed but not telling him and wondering if you’ve a right to feel that way. It’s not healthy.

Well when I do nothing changes! It's like talking to a brick wall. I've given up, I just don't think it's a big ask for him to use his own head and understand when he's dropping me in it.

Why does anyone need to supervise a college aged child?

I used to but there's no point really because nothing changes. I really don't think it's too much to ask a grown adult to be able to see and acknowledge how their actions impact on others.

Because she has SEN and a health condition, which I said in the OP. She's disabled. She needs support to do things other children can do without help. I don't know why that's so hard to understand.

You need to advocate for yourself and he needs to listen. Maybe try a few sessions of couples therapy if you’ve totally given up as this is unsustainable.