To be a bit annoyed with DH?

[Trovindia]

I might be unreasonable here, potentially. I haven't said anything to him.

DH is the main earner, he works from home and is senior and so we have flexibility.

I had to give up working as both our children have SEN and DD also has a health condition. She doesn't attend school full time, and DS has to be taken out to be home educated. I handle everything to do with the children, organising school/tutors/groups, and clubs.

We have a family diary and weeks ago I booked for me to take DS to an educational group this morning, then to see social activity, and later today I need to take DD to a local college as part of the admissions process.

This would usually mean DH is at home working and can supervise DD and support her getting up, and could then "supervise" ie be in the same building as DS later when I have to take DD to the college.

A few days ago he announced he was going to an in person meeting two hours away, all day.

This meant I had to cancel the social activity for DS as I needed to get back to support DD. But it also means that I now need to take DS with us to the college which is going to be very difficult and inconvenient and quite possibly inappropriate given it is effectively an interview. I need to be there with DD because she needs support due to her disability.

My aibu is am I being unreasonable to be a bit pissed off with DH who didn't take any of this into account and hasn't apologised or attempted to make any arrangements for child care for DS so that I don't have to take him. I'm pretty sure he hasn't even realised that this has put me in a difficult situation.

I appreciate that he is the main earner but he can only be that because I have given up my entire career in order to work around the family and be the carer and home educator. If I wasn't doing that then we would have a major issue on our hands. One of us had to give up work and it ended up being me even though my earning potential is as much as or even more than DH.

So, AIBU? or do I have a bit of a reason to be annoyed with the lack of consideration?

The more you post the more unreasonable you are sounding.

He's done nothing wrong here.

He hasn't made things more difficult.

You made plans for him knowing he was working. That is 100% on you.

During his working hours he should be working not looking after children.

You need to get over yourself.

How much of his job do you help him with?

You want him to do two roles during the day whilst you do one.

Maybe he will start a thread about how his partner expects him to help with childcare whilst he is working to pay the bills.

Yes it’s annoying that his plans have changed in a way that impacts you but it’s a two way street. Your plans have an impact on him too.

I understand that - absolutely. It is the most infuriating thing for me that DH just doesn’t think about something. He just assumes. I’m not a SAHM so the issues aren’t quite the same, but I have accepted that I have to say it out loud. Quite angrily on occasion.

So you feel under-appreciated and unseen. And when you raise the issue with him you feel ignored.

How do you raise the issue? Do you sit him down and say something like ‘we need to talk about something very serious that’s affecting my happiness in this marriage’? Or do you saying something fleetingly on the side like ‘Would have been nice if you’d have let me know’? Or is it something in between.

If you want something to change, something needs to change - and that’s either your approach or his, or both. Without that happening, you either accept it or leave.

Yanbu. It's not for people on here to decide whether your husband can or cannot provide some level of care for his daughter while he works. He clearly has in the past without complaint.

Sometimes things crop up and there's a diary clash but i think it's a bit shit for him to essentially shrug his shoulders and say 'i can't do it now'. I would expect two parents to work as a team, for him to come to you and say, I have to go to this meeting now, what shall we do? And then you work it out together.

You shouldn't have to ask I agree but you definitely need to keep raising this with him. Being a sole earner doesn't mean he has abdicated all responsibility for his kids.

I do think the fact that your plans related to accompanying your child to an admissions meeting is relevant here. Obviously you clearly don't expect your DH to work around your plans usually but this is an important meeting form your child and you specifically arranged with your DH to look after the toddler so you could go with her. I'd be annoyed that he didn't consider this or discuss the implications of not being available with you.

When you say he told you a few days ago, was it enough days to call the college and explain? They may have found a way of making it work with your son there or may have rescheduled. It seems you are going to have to rely on other people to have consideration for the logistical difficulties you have, because he won’t. Not even for his daughter’s future.

I know not all senior positions carry the same weight but I think if he had booked the day as holiday when the college appointment was made, it’s unlikely the all day meeting would have been booked for that day. If his presence is so critical, booked holiday can be cancelled at short notice, he needs to pay for a nanny to ensure his children’s lives aren’t disrupted by his job. If he cannot afford that maybe he should consider whether this senior position is what he needs to be able to support his family

You need to ascertain if your husband had a choice over the meeting? Sometimes it's unavoidable. WFH doesn't mean someone is 'available' to look after a child. Essentially they are working, and if he worked at an office, wouldn't be there anyway. The fact he's home, is irrelevant, it should be treated the same as if he was in the office. In all honesty, he needed to take the day (or afternoon) off work as holiday, in order to guarantee he can be there. You are now in a difficult situation, and unless there's someone else who can look after your son, then it's a case of postponing your daughter's visit or taking your son. You do need to speak to your husband though.

Of course YANBU, OP.

Our situation is similar in many ways. One of our DC is currently home educated due to a serious MH condition and cannot be left at home alone. I work PT from home and have primary responsibility for DC, and DH is the main breadwinner in a senior role.

DH fully pulls his weight at home within the constraints of his job. If the situation you're describing arose (and it has, many times) then the starting point would be a discussion where we figure out as a partnership what the options are and what their implications would be. Sometimes that will mean I have rearrange my plans (because yes, of course it is crucial that DHs job is protected for the sake of the family) but sometimes he finds a way to juggle meetings (despite it being a significant hassle for him) because the alternative is even more difficult for me.

From the sounds of it OP it's not that you're pissed off with DH for changing his plans, your pissed of at the blasé way he is doing it without any real consideration or acknowledgement of the impact it has on you and your DC. And I don't blame you.

Have you had this conversation with him, in person? Are the details for the day on the family calendar, a good fortnight in advance?

Isn't the problem that you planned on him to 'supervise'/parent DD and DS when he's supposed to work?

Then tell him that.

I support him with his job a lot actually. He's always running things past me and getting my advice because I'm much better at the human side of managing.

We've had numerous serious discussions over the last ten years and he constantly promises to do better and then never does anything to change. We've done couples counselling but he just sat like a pudding in the sessions then didn't do anything in between so they were pointless. I've been very open and honest with him about how I feel, and I've made suggestions for how we could make things better but he seems incapable of empathy or considering me in any way, and this latest thing is an example of that.

This is it exactly. Having accepted responsibility for that day, I feel like he should acknowledge the issue it creates when he no longer can, and work together to find a solution. Not just dump it on me without a thought.

The college thing was a joint thing with other students so I didn't think about that. I was basically going to have to take DS with me and stick him on my phone to keep him occupied for an hour.
It's just so annoying that he didn't even look in the diary when discussing the meeting - the diary is the family Bible basically and he knows that, it's for his benefit as well as mine so E all know what's happening.
I always prioritise his job and wouldn't have asked him to change the meeting, I just wanted acknowledgement that it was an issue and for him to help come up with solutions proactively.

Yes and yes.

I get it, you just wanted him to consider you and your mental load BUT he is working. What was he supposed to do, refuse the meeting? I imagine he's paid to work 7 hours a day and his work expect him to be available on those 7 hours, even at short notice.

I wfh, but do have to travel and sometimes at very short notice. It can mess with our plans, and dh ends up needing to shuffle his stuff around or I get my friend to help. He never gets mad at me about it though, it's literally my job to attend meetings not watch the kids between 9 and 5. If he's not at work, and had plans which my meeting messed up it tough. He has to change his plans, I'm unable to change mine.

I have. But he doesn't want to travel to the office because it's 90 minutes away.

No I didn't want him to cancel the meeting, I wanted him to acknowledge it was an issue and to come up with some solutions like asking our friendly neighbour who would be more than happy to have DS for a couple of hours. What I resent is that his change of plans became my problem to sort out without even an acknowledgement of that, as if I'm some kind of maid.

No. This is something he occasionally does and it's absolutely fine because his work is pretty flexible and he also does work outside his working hours. His colleagues and bosses all also work in a fairly flexible way so it's not a problem at all.
It's pretty rare that I need to ask him to do it as I work hard to juggle both the children's requirements and needs so that I can be there for both of them. But occasionally there is a clash like this and as the other parent I obviously ask him to be involved as we do have that flexibility.
If he worked in an office then the situation would not have arisen because I would have already made alternative arrangements for DS. I didn't, because he is at home and he said he could do it because it doesn't require any actual doing other than being in the house working. Which is what he does anyway.

The issue was not doing or the not doing, it was the not considering me in any way or acknowledging that he had created a problem or coming up with any solutions to the problem because he obviously considered it to be my issue to resolve as his family maid.

Then I'd be peeved, if I were you. Seems thoughtless.

I think if he was put in your shoes and had to do all of your duties for a week, he might be more thoughtful. I realise that he works from home and is the main breadwinner, but he is still a dad it seems that he doesn't have an understanding of how complex all the child care arrangements can be. In my experience, this juggling was more stressful than my paid work.
It sounds like you need a conversation with him to make alternative arrangements when you have a clash of responsibilities. This might mean that you ask for outside help or that he is more flexible with his work commitments. Otherwise, I can see that your resentment could build up, which won't be good for your relationship.

I just don't get your thinking here. Did you not talk at all?

Dh says to you

"Trovindia, I now have a meeting I have to attend on xxx date"

"Oh, balls. I have that college thing with DD and you were going to watch ds"

"Sorry, it can't be helped"

"Any chance you can ask your friend to watch ds? If not I have to take him with me which is difficult but ill stick him on the phone for an hour"

"Sure, I'll text him now"

Job done! Why haven't you conversed at all. Did he just tell you he had a meeting now and you walked off to seethe to yourself instead of discussing it??

Weird

You need a system whereby he would tell you if changes are made to his schedule if it affects you. We do weekly planning meetings to chat through issues like this. Maybe yours could look 2-3 weeks ahead. If he's agreed to WFH this could put into his work calendar on particular days so he knows he needs to tell you if that changes. Lots of people saying he needs to be only working during working hours if the breadwinner, what about single parent breadwinners? They need to be flexible. We should be working towards a culture where all employees are considered to have caring roles not just women