To be a bit annoyed with DH?

[Trovindia]

I might be unreasonable here, potentially. I haven't said anything to him.

DH is the main earner, he works from home and is senior and so we have flexibility.

I had to give up working as both our children have SEN and DD also has a health condition. She doesn't attend school full time, and DS has to be taken out to be home educated. I handle everything to do with the children, organising school/tutors/groups, and clubs.

We have a family diary and weeks ago I booked for me to take DS to an educational group this morning, then to see social activity, and later today I need to take DD to a local college as part of the admissions process.

This would usually mean DH is at home working and can supervise DD and support her getting up, and could then "supervise" ie be in the same building as DS later when I have to take DD to the college.

A few days ago he announced he was going to an in person meeting two hours away, all day.

This meant I had to cancel the social activity for DS as I needed to get back to support DD. But it also means that I now need to take DS with us to the college which is going to be very difficult and inconvenient and quite possibly inappropriate given it is effectively an interview. I need to be there with DD because she needs support due to her disability.

My aibu is am I being unreasonable to be a bit pissed off with DH who didn't take any of this into account and hasn't apologised or attempted to make any arrangements for child care for DS so that I don't have to take him. I'm pretty sure he hasn't even realised that this has put me in a difficult situation.

I appreciate that he is the main earner but he can only be that because I have given up my entire career in order to work around the family and be the carer and home educator. If I wasn't doing that then we would have a major issue on our hands. One of us had to give up work and it ended up being me even though my earning potential is as much as or even more than DH.

So, AIBU? or do I have a bit of a reason to be annoyed with the lack of consideration?

It’s not appropriate to rely on him to supervise the children while he’s supposed to be working - after all, if he was in the office you wouldn’t be able to drop one off and take the other one out somewhere.

If doing X with DD means you need childcare for DS (or vice versa) then that’s something you need to arrange as the stay at home parent. Your DH needs to be able to work and attend meetings without having to worry about being home to supervise.

Yes, given you had discussed it and he was well aware of the fact that he had agreed to be home then this is totally unacceptable. I would have expected him to not agree to be at a meeting, but if it was genuinely unavoidable to have told you immediately and to have worked out together, what to do about it.

this is something you need to talk about properly, having two children with additional needs, this isn't going to be something they're about to outgrow needing.

A responsible adult in the house.

Talk to him.

I hope the College is a good fit for DD and she gets a place😊. If I was your neighbour, I'd happily sit in your house with DS even at very short notice.

Yes we talked FFS. I said "oh that's DDs college thing day, I didn't want to take DS, that's awkward"

His response was "oh" shrug, walk off.

Is it all still my fault?

And yes, I could suggest solutions to him. But my point is that I think he should come up with the solution as he is the one who is changing the plan and he shouldn't leave it all to me all the time by just saying oh and walking off.

We do have a system! We have the diary and every Sunday I go through the diary with the whole family and we talk about what is coming up so that everyone is fully aware.

This change occurred after the Sunday meeting and was apparently all my issue to resolve and deal with. That's why I'm peeved.

You need to read the full thread. I can't keep repeating myself.

Exactly this. I wouldn't ever expect him to not go to a work meeting, that would be totally unreasonable as his work is his primary responsibility during the main working hours, but given that we do have the flexibility, I expected him to acknowledge that it was an issue and to proffer some solutions that he could try to enact rather than simply dumping it all on me.

Anyway, this thread has been quite cathartic and in the end the issue resolved itself because he got back from his meeting earlier than expected and just in time to be in the house for when we needed to go so it turned out to be fine. It would have been fine anyway I guess if I had to take DS with me but it was much better not to.

Sahm here with one SEN too. My DH consider childcare to be my job while he is working which is fair. He has a busy agenda with meetings that can change and I never count on him during the day. Yabu

Unfortunately then you have your answer. This is him. He is unable or unwilling to change. You either accept it or you don’t. This is either the way you accept your life is or you change it. No one is saying this is easy or simple, but it is what it is.

I’ve read it and I know it’s something you’ve both agreed upon but that doesn’t mean it’s suitable or something that should be relied on.

If your children can’t be left unattended then and your DH is working then you either take them both with you or you arrange alternative care for them. That’s what you’d need to do if he worked in the office or in a shop or a factory - it shouldn’t be any different just because he works at home.

I’m glad it resolved itself but tbh this doesn’t feel like that big a deal and the fact that you have been so upset/angry about it suggests a much deeper problem.

This sort of thing happens all the time with parents ~ my DH often got called away or unexpectedly had to stay away longer and, guess what, I’d just sort it. And I worked full time. I’d make a call to friends, ask a neighbour or just juggle them both (no family nearby). He didn’t do it on purpose and that was his (well paid) job. I had the connections and back up - he didn’t. Not worth stressing about.

The fact that this is so upsetting for you suggests the present arrangement isn’t working for you. You feel powerless and unappreciated and this small thing has come to represent your stress. Maybe it’s time to think about switching things up so you too have the power to drop the ball ~ outsource some care, get a pt job, stop trying to be the perfect parent and recognise you can’t do it all. Where and when do you get your stress free moments?

Sometimes we can’t see the wood for the trees - you need to protect yourself or you’ll just have nothing left for any of them.

But it is different because they don't need 'care' as such like small children they just need a responsible adult to be in the house.

But the main point is, he agreed he could do what was needed but didn't bother to talk to his wife when he could no longer do it and that is the problem.

Sorry, my fault entirely. Should’ve read properly.

It's not different as they still need an adult present and her DH works a job where he can't always be at home for them.

I agree he should have spoken to her since their arrangement was that he would be around, but I guess I just don't think it's a realistic expectation (in general) going forward. He needs to be able to do his job without worrying about whether he needs to be home to be present for his children.

Sounds like he sees you as staff, OP. Seems to be a broader issue, a lack of empathy, consideration of your concerns, sitting like a pudding in couples counselling. I can understand your frustration, and I'm not sure how it can change unless you go back to work or something so that he has to start seeing you as a fully functioning human being.

As unfair as it is, I think this is one of the risks when one person (pretty much always the woman) stays home for the children. The man can focus on work without really having to worry about childcare, or sickness, or holidays, and so their fault is "DW is home, she'll do it".

I'm obviously not saying it's acceptable but it's why so many people warn against giving up work, it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship.

I hear you OP. This has been me for years.... (also largely a sahp to a disabled teen and younger kids!)

My DH has just had major surgery and thus is not allowed to drive. FINALLY the need to use the shared calendar is sinking in and he cannot just book things - even important things like medical appointments - without checking to see whether it is viable. He's come unstuck twice now... so is slowly realising the need to be aware of the impacts on others!

There's not a choice when you have disabled children though, so this isn't a helpful comment.

Of course there is - both parents working part-time is always an option. Just one not many (men) seem to want to consider!

She didn’t. Did you not read the reply where she said she had discussed it with him and was he told her he would be available? And where she said she never assumes but always checks with him first?

YANBU,OP and I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time here.

Nor do I!