AIBU? Partner upset over a joke overreacting or fair enough?

[ProposedWorm]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU situation. DP is in a mood with me because of a joke I made, and I’m not sure if I was being U or if he’s just being a bit of a snowflake.

Basically, we were chatting with some friends, and I made a lighthearted comment about how he always takes forever to get ready like, proper faffing about while I’m sat there ready to go. It got a few laughs, but DP went all quiet and sulky. Later, he told me it was embarrassing and that I made him look bad. I apologised, but he’s still being a bit off with me.

For context, we do tease each other a bit, and he’s usually fine with it, so I was a bit surprised by the reaction. I didn’t think it was that deep, but now I’m second-guessing myself.

So, AIBU? Should I have kept my mouth shut, or is he overreacting?

Snowflake? Using that word is a warning sign you're minimising.

You made fun of your partner in front of others, what were you hoping he would feel during that piece of the conversation?

It is not a win to make your friends laugh at your partner's expense. I guess I don't understand why you would do that.

On the face of it, it sounds like an overreaction as it’s hardly something private and embarrassing to be called a bit of a faffer who takes ages to get themselves sorted. But I guess it depends on how that conversation actually went and if the point were laboured a bit too much and laughed at a bit too loudly.

Sounds quite unkind of you.

It sounds like one of those things that for whatever reason he felt embarrassed whereas usually the teasing would be taken and given in good spirits.

But you've said sorry and he's still off with you? I'd leave him to snap out of it now. It was poor judgment, not malicious. He needs to snap out of it.

I think you owe him an apology. He has every right to be upset. Making a joke at your partners expense isn’t nice.

I agree.

what did they find so embarrassing about you saying he faffs about getting ready??

It's probably not the image he wants to portray to his friends.

Bants n lols at others expense, not good

If you did read her post properly, you can see if she has apologised.

Why would you say that? The only reason was to laugh at him in front of people he cares about and invite them to join in causing his embarrassment. Nasty.

I don't believe it's funny to put your partner down in front of friends..... that's odd.
Perhaps you joke like that to each other, alone.....but in the presence of others....... 😬
I think his feelings are valid. He even communicated that to you in what sounds like a healthy way.

Dh and I make fun of each other at home and with the children who are now adults so they understand that you can laugh at yourself. However, I would never make him the butt of any joke when out with friends as I wouldn't want him to do that to me. What we say in private is not what we would say in public.

If its so inconsequential and harmless, why bother saying it

Fair point about the wording didn’t mean to minimise, just genuinely surprised by his reaction.

Honestly, I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad, it was just one of those off-the-cuff comments that I thought was harmless. We’ve both joked about each other before, so I didn’t think twice in the moment. I suppose I assumed he’d just laugh along, not feel embarrassed.

Do you think I should bring it up again and properly apologise, or just let him have his space?

I'd find it hard to imagine why someone would get offended over that comment. It's obviously something he feels sensitive about but hard to see why especially if you have that sort of relationship where you do tease each other.

You say you've said sorry but you certainly don't sound sorry. Maybe he feels that too and that's why he's still off with you.

Yeah, maybe you’re right. I did say sorry, but I guess I was more “sorry you’re upset” rather than actually thinking about why he was.

I didn’t mean to embarrass him, but if that’s how he felt, then my intent doesn’t really matter, does it? Might need to swallow my pride and apologise properly. Ugh, hate these awkward conversations, but I don’t want him to stay in a mood with me either.

I would really go towards him. Its not a question, merely, of apology. Something really hurt him. I would come to him privately and reapologize but also say “is something bothering you about us/our friends/work because it seems as though what I meant in a lighthearted fashion landed like a blow.” I would assume, if he can usually take a little ribbing, that he was feeling horribly vulnerable at that moment.

I think it was a fairly innocous comment, I'm notoriously late because of bad time management (faffing) & get slagged off, quite rightly, because I'm never late for work or appointments, I have to take it on the chin because it's me being rude

You've apologised that should be it

It’s not a joke if the other person is upset by it, so you need to apologise properly.

There's a difference between teasing, and teasing in front of others. You haven't really addressed that in your replies.

I find it hard to imagine why anyone would get offended over that. It's a stretch to say that comment is making fun at someone's expense. It's pretty normal socially to tease your partner a little imo, if it's all said in good fun. Regardless it's upset him, but you've apologised, so what else can you do?

Honestly it's also hard to feel too much for DH, as men make these jokes about women constantly, and we are expected to get on with it frankly. Don't laugh at old fashioned marriage type humour ('oh the old ball and chain') if you can't take it.

I'd be swallowing my pride and giving a genuine apology, but privately I'd be very perplexed by this lol.

Yeah, that’s kind of where I’m at with it tbh. Like, I get that he was upset, and I don’t want to dismiss that, but it really wasn’t that deep in my head. People tease their partners all the time it’s just normal chat? And yeah, if the roles were reversed, I don’t think anyone would bat an eyelid.

But I suppose if it’s bothered him, then it doesn’t really matter whether I think it should or not. Will have to suck it up and apologise properly. Still gonna be a bit baffled by it though lol.

We're very much the same dynamic here - DH spends ages choosing his outfit and preening in the mirror while I'm ready to go in ten minutes - so I have been known to make similar jokes. The difference is, I suppose, that DH fully enters into it and really plays up his vanity for laughs. He's like Sir Walter Elliot from Persuasion, only the bearded, hairy-arsed, 6-foot trucker version.

So you now know that he doesn't like attention being called to that particular aspect of his personality. I suspect it's probably because, as @Lesphynx said, it's the kind of trait society expects women to possess, not men, and it makes him feel lesser because of deeply ingrained misogyny, perhaps.

Apologise.

however, I’d also ask him about how you’re comment made him feel, given you’d teased each other privately about it before. Ask him to explain to you why it upset him on this occasion. Don’t argue. Make it safe for him to explain by saying you realise what you said had angered and upset him, and you take responsisiblty for that .

I think it would be useful to know whether he was upset because you shamed him in public, by highlighting his faults, whether he was upset because he felt people were laughing* at him not with him, or whether there is a dynamic going on with others in that company where he didn’t like feeling “less” than others.

It will tell you a lot,about what you can safely say, and should not say, in public about each other. Where your boundaries are. Some folks aren’t bothered, they have robust mental resilience and self esteem. Others are very bothered and need to really implicitly trust someone to share and acknowledge their weaknesses.

and some , like my ex, have hidden mental health issue developing like paranoid schizophrenia which produced an extreme reaction of anything that wasn’t 100% supportive and positively confirming to their esteem and self image. Unfortunately, in those days (40 years ago) the idea of red flags didn’t exist in public domain, or internet to query if behavoiurs were “normal” . Sadly it took too many years to realise, that an abnormally sensitive response to anything that I said that questioned him in public (even an opinion he had) should have had me running for the hills.