AIBU? Partner upset over a joke overreacting or fair enough?

[ProposedWorm]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU situation. DP is in a mood with me because of a joke I made, and I’m not sure if I was being U or if he’s just being a bit of a snowflake.

Basically, we were chatting with some friends, and I made a lighthearted comment about how he always takes forever to get ready like, proper faffing about while I’m sat there ready to go. It got a few laughs, but DP went all quiet and sulky. Later, he told me it was embarrassing and that I made him look bad. I apologised, but he’s still being a bit off with me.

For context, we do tease each other a bit, and he’s usually fine with it, so I was a bit surprised by the reaction. I didn’t think it was that deep, but now I’m second-guessing myself.

So, AIBU? Should I have kept my mouth shut, or is he overreacting?

There is a thing that some people do: when they have identified something someone does which annoys them, instead of addressing it with them in private, they make a ‘joke’ about it in public. It’s a type of passive aggression.

They want to express their annoyance but are too lacking in assertiveness to have an adult conversation, so they make it into a ‘joke’ with an audience present to ensure the criticised person can’t challenge it without looking humourless and stroppy.

I don’t know if that’s what you were doing in this case, but it certainly seems as if your boyfriend has taken it that way.

Can you say what you said exactly because it does sound like he is over reacting

It really does not matter of you think it was no big deal. He thinks it is and he’s your partner.

How hard is it to say “I am sorry I hurt your feelings - that was not my intent”?

taking the mick because he takes ages to get ready?! That’s it?! Yes he’s overreacting. Absolutely no one I know would be offended by this. MN will be though!

"Sorry you're upset" isn't an apology.

You need to acknowledge that your comment was hurtful.

Explain the “joke”. What was the punchline?

It wasnt a joke, you made fun of him in public.

My DH used to make these so called “jokes” about me when in company. I loathed it and eventually I decided I would call him out in front of others by telling him it was unkind to make fun of me. When he inevitably said it was ‘just a joke’ I asked him to explain the joke for everyone. He soon stopped. It was worth any short lived awkwardness around friends.

Apologise and move on and be more aware in future. And hold your DH to the same standard.

I think he is hugely over reacting and it’s not normal to get in a mood for something like that. It’s a standing joke among our family and friends about how long my husband takes to get ready, and especially how much time he spends ironing when we are on holiday. We always laughs about it, and I can’t imaging the circumstances when he would get cross because it was mentioned.

Well I guess I'm in the minority, but I think he's being utterly ridiculous.

I agree with you. It’s hardly a deadly insult to say someone is a faffer. My DH and I and our friends are always jokingly complaining about each other - it’s all part of relationships and friendships and laughing together. It’s all lighthearted.

Does he take himself rather seriously OP?

What was the actual joke?

On the face of it this does sound like it was an overreaction, but what was actually delaying him being ready?

I used to get ribbed for taking longer than others in the bathroom. Sometimes by my parents in front of visitors too. It was meant in jest and definitely wasn't malicious BUT ........... I didn't and still don't like it. I have struggled with irritable bowel syndrome for as long as I can remember, and certainly regularly since my teenage years (I am now 58) so I just felt it was thoughtless because I couldn't help it, felt sensitive and embarrassed about it when it did delay me and I just didn't want to be put in the position of potentially having to explain myself like that.

Maybe he had a reason why he was running behind on this occasion, or maybe he didn't, but either way, he didn't want his face rubbed in it. You might just have inadvertently put your foot in it and done exactly that?? You won't know unless you apologise properly and talk to him in private.

My DH and I do make similar jokes to each other sometimes, but it is generally best to keep them as private issues rather than trumpet too publicly for obvious reasons.

Whether you or we think he’s over reacting isn’t the point; you upset him so apologise

Doesn't matter whether you consider it an insult or not (and you weren't there so can't judge if it really was lighthearted) - it upset OP's DP. He might be a "snowflake" or there might be a good reason why he is upset. OP is being very dismissive about his feelings.

I think it’s a complete over reaction, as long as it’s light hearted and not personal I don’t mind a bit of teasing, it’s good to be able to laugh at yourself.

All I can say is that I'm very, very glad my partner and I can joke about utterly harmless stuff like this in front of our friends without anyone getting upset. I can't begin to imagine a relationship where saying 'Honestly, he takes longer to get ready to go out than I do, I'll be sitting there waiting while he's faffing in front of the mirror' would be considered cruel/embarrassing/passive aggressive/dismissive of feelings/humiliating.

I don't think I could live with someone who was that humourless or easily upset.

If you'd mocked something deeply personal or embarrassing, like his appearance or a deep-seated fear or the noises he makes when he's shagging or something, that would be horrible. But a light-hearted joke about how he takes ages to get ready? I'm sorry but he absolutely does need to get a bloody grip. And sure, maybe you are dismissing his feelings, but frankly I don't think it actually helps to validate someone's feelings when they're as disproportionate as this.

She already did

I'm struggling to understand how some of you cope with real life.
Must be an age thing😊

She didn't. She said "sorry you're upset" which is not apologising for her being the one that did the upsetting.

it sounds like he doesn't enjoy your teasing as much as you do.

"Sorry you're upset" is not an apology.

Except that if you found it funny and your partner didn't and you continued to do it that would be bullying and abusive.

Also see
'It was just a joke'
'It was just banter' etc.

I would really struggle to be with someone who couldn't laugh at themselves for silly lighthearted things like getting ready slowly. My dh and I would have this kind of joke with our friends and never think twice, as long as the person telling the joke is doing it in genuine affection and good humour.

You were negative about your partner to your friends to get a laugh and to stroke your ego at the expense of your partner.

He's justified to be upset with you. You made fun of him in front of your friends. Then you tried to minimize it. And name-call him. This was your poor behaviour. Own it.

He is being over sensitive since the teasing goes both ways. It’s the sort of thing I say to my 18yo son and he’d laugh then agree.
I think that I would say that I didn’t mean to embarrass him and that I’ll stick to teasing him when he’s got with friends to keep the peace.

Belittling your partner is never a good idea but you e applied and he's carrying it on indicates that there's more to it than this one off remark and your relationship is on shaky ground.

Oh good God, so now even an apology needs to be approved wording! She said sorry, it's not her fault he's being over sensitive/dramatic. If she'd sat there for an hour taking the piss out of his tiny dick, you might have a point but this was just very gentle teasing, something they've done before.