Mum's alcohol dependancy, what do I do

[Anonymous2003]

Posting here for traffic. Long story short my mum has always had a drink problem which has created issues in the family but she has never addressed it, thinks it's hilarious and laughs it off. She holds down a full time job but especially since living alone she drinks almost every night, always wine. Always has an excuse, "I've had a long day at work" (it's Monday), or on Wednesday "it's hump day". I have asked her a couple of times recently not to drink when I visit and she will comply, but last week was the first time she was clearly drunk but tried to hide it. She had a non-alcoholic drink with dinner and had hidden her wine glass and bottle. I hate being around her when she drinks. Even one glass of wine has an effect on her and she is just so bloody annoying, can't have a proper conversation with her etc. I am due to visit her tonight and everytime I visit and see a glass of wine poured my heart sinks. I am considering texting her that I have been so worried and really don't want her to drink during my visits. But then again it's so hard and uncomfortable. I worry about her health, my future relationship with her and even my future children's relationship with her.

Have you tried contacting Al - Anon or one of the other organisations who help people who have family members who are alcoholics?
Hopefully they would be able to give you help and advice.
My personal advice is think of yourself and what is best for you because if she won't admit she has a problem there is nothing you can do to help her. And you shouldn't let her addiction spoil your life.

@Smokeyblueblack I contacted the Samaritans last week and they recommended giving Drinkaware a call. It's easy to say I shouldn't let her addiction spoil my life but it's not as easy as that when it's a parent unfortunately, you can't help but feel sick with worry.

I understand it's very difficult. I was married to an alcoholic, I have known many heavy drinkers and alcoholics. I have a very difficult relationship with alcohol myself.
But the truth is that unless your Mum accepts she has a problem, that she is putting her health and her very life in danger, and that she is causing people who love her worry and anguish, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. That's why you need to think of yourself, hard as it is. Change has to come from her.

“Detatch with love” was a phrase used a lot when I used to attend Al anon meetings. My father is an alcoholic (although I am now estranged from him).

This means you can find a way to not let her actions spoil your life if you refrain from trying to take on responsibility for her drinking. It is liberating to absolve yourself of that responsibility. You may mourn the relationship you once had/ potential ongoing relationship but you can only recognise that the relationship may not be serving you well at the moment anyway.

If you go to a few Al Anon meetings you will find people who understand. Hear anecdotes that you are likely to relate to. See how others handle the kinds of feelings and experiences you’re going through. It may turn out that it is not for you but it has got to be worth a try?

Buy the book "AA for friends and families of alcoholics".

I think you ring your mum an hour or so before meet up time and tell her you won’t be coming if she’s had a drink. If she’s had one when youve arrived, leave but politely and firmly say you don’t enjoy her company when she drinks.
Your mum needs to make a choice as to social time with you, or wine. Warning - it might be wine for a while, please don’t close her off for forever

@alcoholnightmare I'm just worried about an explosion on her end if I do this. I visit her with my younger brother who would never outwardly challenge her unless in a 'joking' manner.

I just sent her a text about the whole thing. Anxiously awaiting her reply ☹️

I feel for you and have been in your position. Asking her not to have a drink is pointless. Can you adjust the time of your visit to when she’s less likely to have a drink? I used to meet my dad in the mornings

I really sympathise with you as I’ve been here for many years with my mother. When I look back over my childhood I can see that alcohol was always a big part of her life but now she’s living alone it’s clear she has a definite dependency on it and no amount of arguments, confrontation (either by me or her friends), health issues and accidents has made a difference.
Alcoholics and addicts in general will only change when they want to change. Perhaps now you’ve laid it on the line for your mum she may realise how seriously this is affecting you and your relationship. Or she might minimise and become defensive to allow her to keep doing what she needs and enjoys - drinking.
My advice would be to set boundaries and stick to them. You need to protect yourself from the annoyance and disappointment of being around someone who is a bad drunk because I can testify that after years and years it will grind you down. At best you’ll be frustrated. But events will be ruined, arguments will happen, it will all just get so messy. So make it clear than you want a relationship with her but only when she’s sober and if you go round and she’s drinking you’ll just leave. It might feel harsh but she is choosing that, not you.
I wish you luck, it’s a horrible thing to have to deal with especially in a close relative.

You can't stop her drinking, all you can stop is the impact it has on your life. If you can spot when she's drunk (and it sounds like you can) then leave. If she's drunk when she opens the door, don't go in. Don't get into an argument or try to talk to her, just walk out. And get your brother on the same page so you're united on this. That's really important.

The reason she seems to be so heavily affected after one drink is because she has already had a drink( probably more than one). It’s a really tell tale sign.

it’s very very hard. You can’t make her get help but you can keep your distance. It’s hard

This was her response:
Awe don't say it like that. You make it sound like I have a problem lol
No need to be worried, promise xx

I don't think you can have this conversation by txt. She will have completely persuaded herself that she doesn't have a problem. You can try face to face but sadly I suspect she will think you are over reacting.

Why do people want to.keep drinking alcohol?
Is it cos they like the taste or they want to get pissed.

I'm not sure the OP has the answers you're after; you could try Google but for a short answer - alcohol is a highly addictive substance and for many people, it's very difficult to stop drinking.

Sorry to hear you find yourself in this position OP. I can only sympathize, I know from sad personal experience quite how much this sucks. The advice on the thread is good although hard to follow in real life In Al Anon (which I agree is helpful although felt like a huge and painful step in itself admitting I was a relative of a person with a problem) they talk about the three Cs mantra: you didn't Cause this, you can't Control it and you won't Cure it. Most of what we do as family members of alcoholics is futilely circling around these things, trying to work out why they drinks, how we can get them to stop, how we can make them change their behaviour to stop having such as negative impact on themselves and the people around them. But none of that really works long term. The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own, so you need to think hard about some boundaries and try your hardest to stick to them, regardless of what your mum and other family members think and do as a result. This doesn't have to mean cutting her out entirely, you can still be loving and supportive but it can mean minimizing time with her when she's been drinking, or refusing to drink yourself around her, or not validating her when she tries to get you to agree she doesn't have a problem. You don't have to justify to her why you think she has a problem, that can just lead to circular arguments. It's enough that this is impacting negatively on you, your feelings matter here.

Do some reading around the 3 cs, it did help me somewhat...

I hope your mother helps you to establish the boundaries with your mother that you need. Sadly it doesn't sound like she's admitted to herself that there's a problem yet but that doesn't mean she can't. Is there anyone else who has the same concerns and might be able to raise this with her?

I had a problem with alcohol and gave up because I worried it was negatively impacting my daughter. I very much hope that your mother can do the same for you.

Well, you told her and you got your response.

If you go and she’s drunk then leave. Or if she starts drinking, just leave.

Be consistent about it, and don’t put yourself in a situation where you can’t leave eg don’t meet her somewhere you’ve paid a lot of money to go to, because you’ll be thinking about the money when what you should really do is simply leave.

She is in denial.
You have had some great advice on this thread already.

Wishing you all the best 💐

Unless she accepts that she has a problem, she's not going to change. All you can do is be honest with her about how you feel and limit contact with her to what you are prepared to tolerate. You can tell her you don't enjoy her company when she's drunk. You don't have to tiptoe around it.

I would definitely contact Al-Anon for advice and support. It will help you to connect with others who are dealing with the same difficulties in their own family. You are not alone. Look after yourself 💐

Really complex question. A lot of the time alcoholics don't actually want to keep drinking, they don't actually like the taste or the version of themselves they become when drunk. But the nature of an addiction is it isn't as easy as wanting to stop and therefore stopping. It can be physically really dangerous for an alcoholic to go cold turkey, plus the mental distress and whatever background/context caused them to turn to alcohol as a tool to cope in the first place mean its actually really difficult to just stop once that dependency is there. There are tools and support which can help but it's not always very easy to access and needs acceptance and acknowledgement you have a problem in the first place which can be a really shameful and horrible experience admitting. Most people don't go from 0 to full blown alcohol problem overnight either, a lot of alcoholics function 'OK' on the surface, can hold down a job or social relationships and hide the extent of their drinking for at least some time so there isn't that external prompt, and it's easier to write off the concerns of friends and family (which often aren't explicitly raised right away either) as malicious or mistaken or whatever rather than admitting to yourself they have a point.

Perhaps a more interesting question is what makes people start drinking to excess rather than what makes them keep going once they're there. Can you not think of any reasons why that might be?

Thank you everyone for the kind replies. I feel quite reassured that I'm not having a go at her. I replied saying I do think she has a problem and I'm only saying this as I love and care about her. I agree with the comment that said this isn't a conversation to have over text, which I agree with but I don't get a lot of time alone with her and I worry that it could turn sour, whereas I don't need to worry about this over text.
I may bring it up with her in person at some stage.
I've said my piece for now and I did say to her that it is up to her at the end of the day, not me nor anyone else.

"Anonymous2003 I don't have a problem! Yes sometimes I like a wee glass or 2 after work when I'm cooking but that's it
Stop worrying!
I love you xx"

Well it looks like you guys are right ☹️ my heart is broke but I've said my piece and there's nothing else I can do right now. 💔

Nothing will change until / unless SHE wants it to

Your choices would be
A. Accept it
B. Go minimal contact

Only you know what's best