Mum's alcohol dependancy, what do I do

[Anonymous2003]

Posting here for traffic. Long story short my mum has always had a drink problem which has created issues in the family but she has never addressed it, thinks it's hilarious and laughs it off. She holds down a full time job but especially since living alone she drinks almost every night, always wine. Always has an excuse, "I've had a long day at work" (it's Monday), or on Wednesday "it's hump day". I have asked her a couple of times recently not to drink when I visit and she will comply, but last week was the first time she was clearly drunk but tried to hide it. She had a non-alcoholic drink with dinner and had hidden her wine glass and bottle. I hate being around her when she drinks. Even one glass of wine has an effect on her and she is just so bloody annoying, can't have a proper conversation with her etc. I am due to visit her tonight and everytime I visit and see a glass of wine poured my heart sinks. I am considering texting her that I have been so worried and really don't want her to drink during my visits. But then again it's so hard and uncomfortable. I worry about her health, my future relationship with her and even my future children's relationship with her.

@5128gap thank you so much. I am in floods of tears, it was such a horrible situation. Thank you for validating me, she made me feel like I was absolutely crazy.

Being made to feel crazy is very familiar territory for people with an alcoholic in their lives. I was told I needed to see a doctor because I was having olfactory hallucination and wrongly thinking i could smell alcohol all the time. I was close to making the appointment too.

@5128gap still rereading your comment as it is so sensible and is bringing me so much clarity and comfort ♥️

Remember that they lie and lie and lie. I doubt you were wrong. But even if you were, it's not surprising given her history. That's one of the things alcoholics do to their loved ones - erode their trust. Horrible but true. So it's almost immaterial if she had a drink or not because you just don't trust her any longer. Don't feel guilty .

@LindorDoubleChoc yes the break of trust is so true. I know she has hid her drinking and denied things before so I no longer trust that she will be truthful. I hate seeing her like this.

She is getting angry because you have shone a light on her issues and made her face the fact that she is lying. Not so much to you, but to herself.

I’m so sorry @Anonymous2003its so hard. My mum would beg us to get her a bottle of drink because she hadn’t had any all week when I knew full well she was bribing the carers and saying the same thing to my brother. And the empties were in the bin that I cleaned! I don’t know if they get to the stage when they believe the lies- they certainly believe you are being unreasonable . All you can do is hold your boundaries, love them as much as you can but protect yourself as well. You are clearly a loving daughter with a loving relationship- I was too- it wasn’t enough to stop her drinking xx

@PyongyangKipperbang @frogpigdonkey thank you both for your comments. It's scary seeing her getting to this stage of dishonesty and lies. I also haven't seen her that angry in years, it was like a horrible flashback to childhood :(

@frogpigdonkey

Having loving family can actually stand in the way of them stopping. They have no reason to because they havent had any consequences. Its not until they start losing family, friends and jobs that reality hits and either they quit or they get worse and their health forces them to quit.

My ex brother in law is like this. To the point now where if he doesnt have alcohol he will probably die, he has been told that he needs to be fully medically supervised to go through quitting. He took that to mean that the doctor says he HAS to drink, which of course is not what was said. My ex FIL totally enables him. If he had cut him off financially and practically 20 years ago, it would never have got to this stage as he couldnt afford to fund his addiction without FIL buying it for him.

@PyongyangKipperbangi hear you. But even when there were consequences it didnt make a big difference. We discussed cutting her off completely but it was hard as she had dementia (caused by the drinking) so it was hard to tell sometimes what was the drink and what was that. I’m just sorry for everyone going through this because it’s a person you love but the behaviour can be awful and it’s hard to separate the two sometimes xxx

OP you are so brave. Well done and you’ve taken a huge step. You are being crystal clear, you won’t be pretending with her any more that everything is fine when it isn’t. The first time is the worst for you… the next time it will be easier. Stick to your plan!

I've only just come across this thread but had to post. My Mum is also lovely when sober but becomes a different person after drinking. She would not be a classic alcoholic as in she doesn't drink every day but she definitely has a drinking problem. She is unable to have one glass of wine, always has too much and becomes very emotional and difficult to be with.

OP I feel for you, I think you have done the right thing but understand you feel awful. I still think you've done the right thing but it may take a very long time for your mum to see that. After a particularly awful evening recently I am on the verge of telling my mum that I don't want to be in her company when she is drinking. The problem is that she never remembers the next day, or certainly acts as if she doesn't (she may be in denial but I think she actually doesn't remember). She won't remember that I and my aunt had to help her almost crawl up the stairs whilst crying about how we didn't understand how difficult it was for her, I felt like shouting do you know how hard it is for me to help my crying drunk mother crawl to bed?

Our situation is particularly difficult as I am now the only child after my sibling died last year and things have been very tough but the drinking too much has been an issue for years. My Dad has directly asked her to give up drinking and he has given up himself for several months now, she does sometimes do a few months but then finds an excuse such as a holiday and is then the one topping the glass up to the brim in the kitchen when she thinks no-one is looking and getting into a total state.

I feel for her as she lacks confidence, is very upset about ageing and really isn't receptive to what she sees as criticism, she also thinks me and my Dad are ganging up on her. But after the last occasion, I really feel I need to directly tell her I don't want to be in her company when she drinks. She will be wildly upset and it won't go down well.

Sorry, didn't mean to de-rail but I get it OP, it's tough.

This really resonates with me except its my partner who drinks....we dont live together but i know during the week when we are not together he is drinking heavily....if he calls me after work i can hear it in his voice....if i go round on a friday afternoon i can see it in his facial expressions and mannerisms...I have also caught him swigging straight out of a bottle when ive nipped up to the loo and come down quicker than he was expecting.
I am pretty sure he is drinking a bottle of rum/whisky a day.
When he is sober he is lovely but i hate the drunk he becomes...nasty and passive aggressive.

Sorry to hear of your experience. I can relate. Think someone else has already mentioned Al Anon, but Nacoa is also a great organisation. They have a free helpline you can call and message boards you can post on an connect with others in a similar situation.

You're never too old to be the child of an alcoholic.

Hope you/your family/her can get some support.

Take care.

@Fleetbug thank you so much for your encouragement ♥️ she wants to meet me tomorrow night for dinner and I plan to hopefully have a more civilised conversation this time about how I feel. Not looking forward to it and it may feel like talking to a wall but either way I know it needs to be done.

@Mymumdrinkstoomuch what I've learned is that someone doesn't have to drink everyday, drink spirits, drink first thing in the morning or be a general unemployed homeless bum to be an alcoholic. Which makes it so hard to identify as it can be subtle, yet alcohol is so normalised in society which makes it even harder for someone to recognise that they have a problem.

I hope tonight goes ok @Anonymous2003 , will be thinking of you.

@Mymumdrinkstoomuch thank you so much lovely. I have a job interview now which I'm actually less nervous for than facing my mum!!

I was going to say this.

I've been sober 5 years. That's a dead giveaway.

Not going to pile in and repeat what others have said, but I recognise it all, all of it. This jumped out tho - you become hyper aware don’t you? I hate it. I’m like a spider feeling the tiniest twitch on the web and I KNOW that someone (not just mum, anyone) is drunk and the doom feeling in my stomach starts to grow.

solidarity 🤜

My best friend is a very heavy drinker. She's been absolutely vile to me in public sometimes if she's hammered and thinks I've looked at her 'funny' and accuses me of being 'a judgemental bitch'. Next day... nice as pie and blames the 'fucking vodka talking for me'.

But yes, as the quote above says... you become hypervigilant to the slightest slurring and eye swivelling.

I've managed to put one boundary in... that I will not pick the phone up to her after 4pm in the afternoon as I can't listen to the rambling, slurring and long silences. She was fine with this.

She admits I'm the only friend she has left. When she's sober she's so lovely. Its heart breaking.

Last summer she had a massive wake up call... cirrhosis and liver tumour. She stopped drinking for 3 days.

Hi,
I'm a recovering addict and I did the whole "hide bottles and pretend I don't drink" thing for years.

My Mum, my kids, my sister etc used to sit me down every now and again and plead with me to stop. I'd say I would - and I'd mean it but I couldn't stop until I was ready.

I'd strongly suggest you go to Al-Anon. I know you said
" There is an Alanon group in my town but I'm a bit nervous about going in case I see someone who knows me. It's such a shameful thing within the family."
But you do realise that anyone going to those groups will be there for just the same reason that you are.

I once went to an AA meeting only to see my daughters teacher sitting in the circle! We just both looked at each other, smiled and shrugged

I haven't been to Al-Anon but I do go to AA and NA which run along the same lines (but for the addict or alcoholic rather than the family members) and I can absolutely promise you that you will be welcomed without judgement.

Another update: spoke to her tonight. She initially started getting defensive and that I was making her out to be an alcoholic. But she changed her tune once I started crying, and told her how worried I am and about how her drinking makes me feel. She admitted she needs to change her lifestyle and that she's glad I walked out of her house on Monday and she needed to hear the things I was saying. Will it come to anything, I don't know. But I got it off my chest at least.

Well done OP, you were really brave to speak to her honestly like that. But do remember, if she doesn't change, you did what you could and - although it's really really difficult - you don't have to keep trying with her just because she's your Mum. You love her but you can't love her back to sobriety, hopefully she will find a way to do that .

Hope the job interview went well!

I’m so pleased that your mum seemed to listen to you last night. As you say it’s difficult to know if things will change but it sounds like there was some recognition that there is a problem. I’m glad you got to tell her how it effects you, I think as a parent knowing you are having a negative effect on your kids must be horrible.

Well done. Fingers crossed…