To still leave (D)H after brain injury

[2ndchancefail]

I’ve been married to (D)H for 18 years, I already had 3 children and we went on to have another DD (16). The relationship has been difficult for years now. We lost my DS suddenly 11 years ago - my DS adored my DH and for this reason I decided to stay with him. He has undiagnosed ADS - can present as rude, arrogant. Writing this down I can see you all saying why are you still with him?

Anyway, for the past couple of years, we have informally separated - he slept downstairs and I went on holidays just with my 3 DDs (now 28, 24 and 16) I was looking to move out and had planned this with my DDs (DD24 is married and has her own place).

Then DH became unwell and long story short it was endocarditis and infected blood clots travelled to his brain. He was very close to death for a week or so and we were all in shock and I think thought here is another opportunity (first one being death of DS) to pull together, we do love each other. For the months he was in hospital I visited twice a day, DD28 took charge of his laundry and we all worked together.

He has now been home for a couple of months and it seems his entrenched behaviour has returned. I also don’t like him being back in ‘my’ bed. I enjoyed my space. There is no intimacy between us and hadn’t been any for a long time. But he now has additional issues due to the strokes - he won’t remember things, gets confused easily, so I am still responsible for most things and feel he is vulnerable. He always was in some way but even more so now. My AIBU

IABU In sickness and in health - your DH needs you to support him following his brain injuries/strokes.

IANBU Given I am still as unhappy as I was before his illness, I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life as his carer.

I am disabled following an accident, probably at about the same level as your DH.

i live on my own.

lots of disabled people live on their own, some with help and some without.

i divorced my husband. I think he felt sorry for me and although he hated me being disabled he also overprotected me and was a general nuisance.

i prefer my life without him.

Yabu to think you need a reason to stay. If you are unhappy then leave🚗

What is the long term diagnosis for him ?
Will he need hospice care soon / in the future
Could you get a carer in to help out ?
Can you use another bed room / convert a room downstairs into your bed room.

My DM had several strokes as a family we pulled together and looked after her at home for as long as we could then later got help in to assist.
It was hard work and upsetting at times when she couldn't remember things / us .
But we loved her so managed.
I don't think I could do it again especially for someone I didn't love

Oh my,

Life is too short, do you want to be a carer for a man you do not love? his needs will increase over time and you will feel even more stuck.

It is your choice but don't be bitter if you choose to stay.

One of them has passed away. Her son, who adored the husband.

Leave. It is well known that men do not hesitate to leave their wives when they are long-term sick.

I don’t think in sickness and health come in to this because you had informally separated anyway before his illness. If you stay now it’s out of pity or guilt for leaving when he’s unwell which isn’t a reason to stay

You and your daughters clearly still care for him and seem to be willing to play some role in ensuring his wellbeing. You can continue to do that (as can your adult daughters) without living with him and taking that hands on role as his wife.

Those who judge you haven't walked in your shoes.

An acquaintance of ours found herself in a similar situation. She was separated from her husband when he had a car crash which left him paraplegic. Many people said to her that she couldn’t possibly go through with the divorce in the new circumstances but she did.

You should honour both your needs and wants by separating.

You don’t want to be with him and he is unlikely to want partner who doesn’t desire them back.

You can remain civil and friendly post divorce.

Writing this down I can see you all saying why are you still with him?

I do often say that, though in this case you haven’t really said anything about him or his behaviour other than that he can be rude, arrogant, and has “ADS” (ASD?).

However as other posters have said, you don’t need a reason to leave him and you were already separated before his condition. If you’re unhappy then continue the process and divorce. Are you concerned about what other people will think? You will probably face some judgement there due to the circumstances but you’ll just have to ignore it. It sounds like this is something you’ve given a lot of thought to and you know that you need to leave in order to be happy.

What is this divorce going to look like?

Contested? Will he agree? Your assets? Family home? (He is now vulnerable) Only 1 16 year old. The rest are irrelevant housing wise. It will take 2 years at least anyway. What happens in the interim?

I imagine this would a) be horrendous for his health and b) you will not come out smelling of roses to the judge.

But yes, get divorced if you want to. Obviously.

Had you both agreed to separate? Because if so, then it seems clear cut to continue.
Btw if you hadn't talked about it and this there was no agreement, that's not a reason to not leave now.

What is he actually doing “wrong” though?

I can sympathise. I'm in a very similar situation. Although I officially separated from (D)H after his stroke. (He is an alcoholic - amongst other issues - and did not stop drinking afterwards)
I have a longish term plan, which involves waiting 3 more years until he is eligible for over 55's housing. Then my youngest will also be an adult. Sell this house, then go our separate ways. At the moment, the most convenient situation is for us to live in the same house. I don't want to be his carer but there is no-one else.

No, you do not have to be his long term carer or stay married to him. They say that if the choice is between suffering guilt or feeling resentment, choose the guilt every time.

In your position, if he was likely to make significant improvements in the short term (say 6 months), I would delay a bit. If not, start things now. I would also provide practical advice and help with the change/split (e.g. helping him find alternative care). As PP have said, you can be a supportive friend instead of his wife and carer.

@2ndchancefail im disabled (and seriously thinking about separating).

The most important point here is the fact you were thinking about it before hand, enough that your dds were aware about it. I think it should remove one big layer of guilt. You’re not leaving him because he had a stroke but because it’s not working.

The fa t he is now disabled changes a lot of things though. In particular, in divorce, you are much less likely to get a 50/50 split due to his needs. Rather it will be skewed (rightly) towards him.
Seeing his cognitive issues, I would also make a point to sort out all benefits and support before living him. On paper, you could still do that after the split but it might simply not be possible if he was/is already grumpy and inflexible.
So look at PIP, ESA, UC, getting social services involved, maybe a PA/carer depending on his needs.

Have you talked to your dds about it? How do they feel? I imagine the older two won’t be as bothered as the youngest. But your dd3 might find it harder to leave her dad when he is struggling.
Does he have other support around him? Like family members?
And most importantly, does he have enough abilities to live in his own? That was my initial assumption but might not be the case?

What a strange question. It sounds like the OP doesn’t love him and doesn’t particularly want to stay married to him. He doesn’t have to be doing anything “wrong” for that to be true and be a valid reason to separate/divorce.

Dump him.

A large proportion of men (and indeed women) are arseholes and the fact that they do something doesn't make it ok.

Finish leaving.

That's how you need to view it: you were in the process of leaving, formalising what you'd both already agreed by living separate lives while you sorted the logistics, and now you need to finish the process. His health issues are unfortunate, but not your problem to solve with the rest of your life.

Btw I have to say I’m a bit baffled by the ‘you can be a supportive friend instead’.

The OP isn’t thinking of leaving because she is his carer and finds it too hard.
She wants to leave because the marriage has run its course.

Would anyone advise to be a ‘supportive friend’ in any other case? Apart from here to calm the guilt?
Seriously, I can’t see how the OP is supposed to stay like a supportive friend in those circumstances. If they can get along and it’s not too much, sure. But how often do people say they get compassion fatigue talking about friends having a hard time?

I genuinely don’t think it’s a good idea. Not for the OP, not fir her dh.
Supporting him right at the start, maybe even before telling him? Yep no doubt. On going? I wouldn’t go there unless there is a major change in him ahd he doesn’t expect the OP to be at his beck and call.

No one will judge you for not spending the rest of your life caring for someone who has always been rude and arrogant towards you.