To still leave (D)H after brain injury

[2ndchancefail]

I’ve been married to (D)H for 18 years, I already had 3 children and we went on to have another DD (16). The relationship has been difficult for years now. We lost my DS suddenly 11 years ago - my DS adored my DH and for this reason I decided to stay with him. He has undiagnosed ADS - can present as rude, arrogant. Writing this down I can see you all saying why are you still with him?

Anyway, for the past couple of years, we have informally separated - he slept downstairs and I went on holidays just with my 3 DDs (now 28, 24 and 16) I was looking to move out and had planned this with my DDs (DD24 is married and has her own place).

Then DH became unwell and long story short it was endocarditis and infected blood clots travelled to his brain. He was very close to death for a week or so and we were all in shock and I think thought here is another opportunity (first one being death of DS) to pull together, we do love each other. For the months he was in hospital I visited twice a day, DD28 took charge of his laundry and we all worked together.

He has now been home for a couple of months and it seems his entrenched behaviour has returned. I also don’t like him being back in ‘my’ bed. I enjoyed my space. There is no intimacy between us and hadn’t been any for a long time. But he now has additional issues due to the strokes - he won’t remember things, gets confused easily, so I am still responsible for most things and feel he is vulnerable. He always was in some way but even more so now. My AIBU

IABU In sickness and in health - your DH needs you to support him following his brain injuries/strokes.

IANBU Given I am still as unhappy as I was before his illness, I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life as his carer.

But that’s people leaving BECAUSE their partner is ill/disabled.
It’s not the case of the OP. Just very bad timing for her.

You say you love him so do the separation as kindly as possible for him and your dd's (while being true to yourself too). You might face issues with how your dd's will react to you "abandoning" their dad/stepdad and potentially the burden they will feel now placed on them. Perhaps signpost them to support services for him so your dd's don't feel obliged to become his default carers (unless they choose to be) and gently mentor them that they have their own lives to live too.

But yes, while it is sad, if you are not happy you only get one life you need to prioritise you.

I used to work in care OP and saw so many women run ragged by caring, often dying before their spouse due to exhaustion/neglected health. I saw very few men however, they were happy to outsource and delegate and carry on putting themselves first in the majority.

Your marriage was dead in the water before this medical event, and you've tried to rebuild but it hasn't worked. That's OK. I would talk to him, separate bedrooms immediately and start to build both of your lives for the future. It may take time to get the right care in place for him, but it's not your obligation to stay.

No, I agree, in the case of the OP. I was just responding to the comment I quoted.

OP if you had already moved out of the house with your DDs before he became ill, would you have moved back in? You were already separated, you can offer to help him negotiate care but you need to get out. You need to start by getting him out of your bed. Do not feel bad, you are not leaving because of his illness you are leaving because he was and still is making your life miserable. He will manage and you can still be civil co-parents and friends if you wish.

I've had a mild traumatic brain injury and post concussion syndrome, then was subsequently injured by psychotropic drugs prescribed off label for severe anxiety and insomnia, that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder.

To be totally honest, if my DH left me as he couldn't cope with my health issues, I'd understand. It's been equally hard for him, during my health problems and watching me feel like I'm struggling with everything changing.

If he really didn't feel he could cope, feir enough. But equally, I think he feels in some ways a sense of responsibility that he is here to support and help me, as well as look after our 3 DC too. We're a team, in sickness and in health, and if anything ever happened to him (God forbid), I'd hope that I would be able to step up as much.

Brain injuries are awful, frightening things to live with, both for loved ones and the patients. It'll take time to adjust and adapt to him now, the new him, but obviously if you were unhappy before then I guess it might be harder to deal with.

Just my opinion, from the side of someone who's going through living with the changes of a head injury.

I am so sorry you lost your son. That's heartbreaking.
Regarding your husband, is there any other room he can sleep in for the time being?
How would he behave if the situation was reversed and you were in his position?

Sorry for the typos and spelling mistakes 😅 My eyesight isn't great these days either - thanks perimenopause 😆

No no no.

Life is TOO LONG to spend it with someone you don't love and who probably wouldn't do the same for you anyway.

Exactly this. Sometimes we need to be empathetic and compassionate to those who are going through the terrible and terrifying health problems, easier said than done though, I know.

I absolutely think you need to be able to help yourself, I really do, but if you had been the one who's had the brain injury and then your DH left you, how much would you be able to say that you are ok with it? Would a small part of you think that you'd wished he had stayed?

It's so hard for both loved ones, and patients. I remember my DM saying she wanted to get back to "normal" at one point during the acute phase of my post concussion syndrome. That was quite hurtful on some levels, as there will never be another "normal" as in, how it was before again.

I think you are not doing anything morally wrong by ending your marriage. You’d decided it was over well before he got ill, and you were willing to put your own feelings to one side and give him a second chance after he was discharged. You could not have done any more. It’s not as though you had a happy marriage but his illness was just too inconvenient for you.

Tell him that he sleeps downstairs from now on. Or if he physically needs a bed, then you move downstairs, or the girls start sharing a room if they have their own. He needs to understand that the marriage is over. If you want to be a really decent person, then help him apply for PIP in the future.

I think you also need to talk to your DDs as soon as possible. Will they feel too guilty to leave him by himself? The last thing you want is them becoming his unpaid carers and giving up their own lives, so if you discovered how they felt about it, and were then able to counter that with what he would be able to apply for or pay for with his share of the house, (carers/assisted living etc) that might help them be able to leave with you. Even if you were to tell them that you would not be letting them give up their lives to care for him, it might help them justify their decision to leave with you. If they both point blank refuse, I might be inclined to stay married (albeit in name only), get them both off to uni or in their own accommodation as quickly as possible so they’ve got their own lives, then leave. It will be much harder to give up their lives once they’ve got one, than it would be if they’re already living in the same house. But that would be very much for their sakes, not his.

You reap what you sow. He has spent a long time making you very unhappy. You do not owe him your loyalty.

@ForeverDelayedEpiphany i agree about the fa t I’d expect dh to step up for me in illness. Just like me for me.

But I feel this is the case when the marriage is good.

By experience, when the marriage isn’t in a good place to start with, illness and disability just shine the light on what’s not working. It doesn't lent into pulling together but in increasing resentment.
And this can be true on both sides btw! It could be the abled carer getting resentful of giving support or the cared for individual being resentful of the lack of care for the abled partner. Or probably both!

but if you had been the one who's had the brain injury and then your DH left you, how much would you be able to say that you are ok with it? Would a small part of you think that you'd wished he had stayed?

As the ill person in not good enough marriage, I’m the one to consider splitting….
Whatever issues that were there before are still there in illness. They dint disappear.

Yes they do. . Some men stay and become carers. 🤷‍♀️🙄

What is the future looking like? Does he need long term care? Could he move into supported living?

What's ADS? Did u mean autism spectrum disorder or another disorder?

Totally agree. I experienced this myself years ago when I became ill with a life-long condition. He stayed until I was over the worst then walked out on me. As my mum said at the time,men just can't cope with severe illness, whether it's their spouse/partner or their child.

This, women should be more like men, ie put themselves first!

You are noble and brave.

Yes, you should.

However, you will likely need to help him get set up in his new life as part of the deal.

Having worked in a support role for those with brain injuries I saw so many women have their lives destroyed by staying with a man they should have left long before, just because they felt guilty. Don't do it. Go and live your life, have the happiness you deserve. Tomorrow isn't promised, you have no idea how long you have so need to make the most of it not be miserable.

It's time to talk about the plans you had to move out - you have rallied round but you had intended to separate and it is time to progress this now.

My aunt and uncle divorced after he had a brain injury. He wasn't the same person she married and neither of them were happy.

Don't stay because you feel guilty. Stay because you want to or leave because it's the right thing.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I meant ASD sorry, undiagnosed but the traits are definitely there. DH has always had a difficult relationship with the girls - even his own DD once she reached a certain age. We actually went to CAMHS family counselling before he became ill where we were trying to get to the root of the difficulties between him and each DD. I had stepped aside and said focus on their relationships, as things between DH and I had ended.

The girls would not stay with him - they struggle with him so much and he upsets them, his thoughtlessness, selfishness etc. He infuriates me with this and this was the main reason I wanted to leave. I wanted to rent my own place, let him live in the house and pay maintenance for DD16. But not sure of the way forward now. I have already helped him apply for UC and PIP, and council tax reduction. He is a writer and editor but unable to do this - unsure of his prognosis, I’ve pushed for follow up. He will tell you he’s doing great.

We already have a downstairs bedroom and this is where he was sleeping before. We can go back to the way it was, with perhaps a longer term plan of selling the house, I’m not sure. I also have chronic health issues but work part time. Our finances were separated before he became ill so a lot of it is in place already.

The sudden death of my DS was (and is) very traumatic and I’ve stayed this long because he adored DH. The girls would want to make sure DH was ok but I can’t see them taking on any caring role. He is able to physically manage but it’s the vulnerability around his finances and paying bills etc. I do care about him and would not just leave him high and dry.

It's such a difficult decision. My DH went through two bouts of cancer. I had wanted to leave him for years and finally had the finances to do something. I waited until his second cancer had been treated (and apparently gone) before leaving with the two young adult DC. He was very upset as I sprung it on him. Had such a calm and mostly peaceful year...but then the cancer came back and it was terminal. Due to how it came back, he was virtually immobile and could not look after himself, or our dog who he had kept. Out of a (maybe misplaced) sense of duty, I moved back to be his carer, as he had no-one else to do it. It was the hardest 2yrs of my life and he almost broke me, but then he died.

If you were already informally separated then you may well find it challenging being his carer. Don't feel obliged to stay. With hindsight I could have stayed away and told him to pay for carers, but in one way I'm glad I was there for him at the end.