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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still leave (D)H after brain injury

69 replies

2ndchancefail · 24/03/2025 14:48

I’ve been married to (D)H for 18 years, I already had 3 children and we went on to have another DD (16). The relationship has been difficult for years now. We lost my DS suddenly 11 years ago - my DS adored my DH and for this reason I decided to stay with him. He has undiagnosed ADS - can present as rude, arrogant. Writing this down I can see you all saying why are you still with him?

Anyway, for the past couple of years, we have informally separated - he slept downstairs and I went on holidays just with my 3 DDs (now 28, 24 and 16) I was looking to move out and had planned this with my DDs (DD24 is married and has her own place).

Then DH became unwell and long story short it was endocarditis and infected blood clots travelled to his brain. He was very close to death for a week or so and we were all in shock and I think thought here is another opportunity (first one being death of DS) to pull together, we do love each other. For the months he was in hospital I visited twice a day, DD28 took charge of his laundry and we all worked together.

He has now been home for a couple of months and it seems his entrenched behaviour has returned. I also don’t like him being back in ‘my’ bed. I enjoyed my space. There is no intimacy between us and hadn’t been any for a long time. But he now has additional issues due to the strokes - he won’t remember things, gets confused easily, so I am still responsible for most things and feel he is vulnerable. He always was in some way but even more so now. My AIBU

IABU In sickness and in health - your DH needs you to support him following his brain injuries/strokes.

IANBU Given I am still as unhappy as I was before his illness, I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life as his carer.

OP posts:
Whitelight25 · 24/03/2025 18:19

Ending your marriage need not mean abandoning him, OP. You could help him settle in a manageable house or flat and if necessary help him sort his finances out; set up direct debits etc to reduce the possibilities for confusion. Maybe even visit him regularly. Staying together doesn't sound like a viable option long term.

WilfredsPies · 24/03/2025 18:25

Having read your update, go. Go now. Because his health is only ever going to go in one direction now, and the longer you leave it, the harder you’ll find it.

Coconutter24 · 24/03/2025 18:30

Potatosaladsalsa · 24/03/2025 15:43

What is he actually doing “wrong” though?

Would you stay in a relationship that hasn’t been working for years just because no one is not doing anything wrong? Just not in love and it’s not working?

5128gap · 24/03/2025 18:32

How about you try 'soft leaving' to give you both time to adjust and so it doesn't feel like a huge step? So, back to seperate rooms, you carry on your independent social life, you arrange care for the big stuff, and are there as in a concerned housemate role? This guards against him thinking you are resuming the spouse/carer role, and gives you time to plan your future again after it was interrupted by the shock of his illness.

ShouldIEvenBother · 24/03/2025 18:34

Leave and don't look back.

You don't owe anything to a man who has been so unpleasant to you. Especially not one who you were in the process of leaving anyway. Do not get brainwashed by the patriarchy who think we women need to stay and always take care of men regardless of whether they would offer us the same consistency (they don't provide this to us - they leave in a heartbeat). You've done enough and put up with enough already, right?

Your one life is so, so precious OP 💐

cheezncrackers · 24/03/2025 18:40

YANBU to want to leave, particularly as you'd already gone quite a long way towards separation before this latest setback. You have one life and this man (regardless of his ill health and disabilities) does not meet your needs for a partner and that's okay! If you would be worried about his financial vulnerability then offer to still manage whatever you feel able to on his behalf. If you get his benefits and his direct debits all sorted out so they happen automatically it shouldn't be that onerous to keep an eye on things for him, if he wishes it. Your shared DD is obviously too young to take this on, so it would be a kindness if you agreed to continue to look out for him in future, even if you live separately and divorce. Some people manage to have good divorces and remain friends.

Franjipanl8r · 24/03/2025 19:25

I wouldn’t want to disrupt the family routine at this moment in time.

Although your girls don’t gel with him, they will have been impacted by his sudden illness and will be looking for a bit of stability. When you’ve all recovered from the shock and it becomes your new normal, leave him then. Your girls will need some time to process all of this before you make another big change.

LilyOfTheValleySoon · 24/03/2025 20:06

When you’ve all recovered from the shock and it becomes your new normal, leave him then.

The danger here is if he gets worse. For whatever reasons, he declines, he has another stroke, whatever.
What then?

I saw it with my NDN. Started with a mini stroke. Then a broken leg. Then difficulties weren’t blamed on the stroke but on Alzheimer’s and and and….

LilyOfTheValleySoon · 24/03/2025 20:08

As an aside, if he has been working in the last 2 years, I’d really encourage you to sort out the ESA too. Having both UC and ESA means that you’re not loosing everything if one of them goes to pot (the joy of DWP)

TwinklySquid · 25/03/2025 19:07

It sounds like he wasn’t a nice person before his illness . And that you were seperated essentially.

I would put myself first and leave. People will talk but who cares. Life is too short to be miserable

LoremIpsumCici · 25/03/2025 19:21

While I do think that thinking a major life changing tragedy is most definitely not “another opportunity (first one being death of DS) to pull together. We do love each other” as in to rekindle love in a relationship, I don’t think you should stay married out of pity or guilt.

I do wonder why you thought the most stressful times any couple ever has to go through were “opportunities” for falling back in love & romance to happen. That tends to be the very last thing anyone is capable of during such difficult times.

Not because I think you should give your marriage another go, but because I think this sort of thinking pattern will affect any future relationships and perhaps even existing relationships with your adult DC.

Bottom line, it is ok to divorce and please get some long term therapy.

JustMeAndTheFish · 25/03/2025 20:35

Over 20 years ago I had been planning to leave my now ex for several years; he is an alcoholic and there were many problems within his family. Our children were 11ish.
In the July he had a stroke. I was expected to be loving wife and when the OTs came to check if any adaptations were needed to that house I couldn’t pretend and told them I was planning to leave.
Thankfully he didn’t have any lasting problems and six months later I found a house to rent and moved out with the children.
Did I feel guilt.. yes, and did the local community call me every name under the sun, also yes. But I don’t have any regrets whatsoever about putting self preservation first.
So that’s all I can suggest, OP, sometimes you have to put yourself first.

chubbychopsticks · 25/03/2025 20:59

You can live in separate homes and still be there to help him when needed, if that’s what’s worrying you.

Original poster
2ndchancefail · 25/03/2025 22:24

LoremIpsumCici · 25/03/2025 19:21

While I do think that thinking a major life changing tragedy is most definitely not “another opportunity (first one being death of DS) to pull together. We do love each other” as in to rekindle love in a relationship, I don’t think you should stay married out of pity or guilt.

I do wonder why you thought the most stressful times any couple ever has to go through were “opportunities” for falling back in love & romance to happen. That tends to be the very last thing anyone is capable of during such difficult times.

Not because I think you should give your marriage another go, but because I think this sort of thinking pattern will affect any future relationships and perhaps even existing relationships with your adult DC.

Bottom line, it is ok to divorce and please get some long term therapy.

I think we all got a shock and then he was so confused and I definitely felt more love and caring towards him. He was loving and softer, kinder to the children. We all hugged him, said we love you etc. My daughters and I are very loving towards each other but DH was very much out of our loop. So it did feel like maybe things could change.

But that was very temporary and he has reverted back to the way he was. I did want to try, because of course if we could be happy together as a family it would be worth it. But now I see that’s not going to happen.

OP posts:
Original poster
2ndchancefail · 25/03/2025 22:30

JustMeAndTheFish · 25/03/2025 20:35

Over 20 years ago I had been planning to leave my now ex for several years; he is an alcoholic and there were many problems within his family. Our children were 11ish.
In the July he had a stroke. I was expected to be loving wife and when the OTs came to check if any adaptations were needed to that house I couldn’t pretend and told them I was planning to leave.
Thankfully he didn’t have any lasting problems and six months later I found a house to rent and moved out with the children.
Did I feel guilt.. yes, and did the local community call me every name under the sun, also yes. But I don’t have any regrets whatsoever about putting self preservation first.
So that’s all I can suggest, OP, sometimes you have to put yourself first.

I commend you, I absolutely do. I think my plan just now is to go back to where things were pre illness, regarding sleeping arrangements. I don’t want to force a sale and his earnings are nil just now so half of the house wouldn’t get either of us very much. I was at the point of almost feeling like I was going mad before his illness - I don’t want to have to get to that point again.

OP posts:
BlueFlowers5 · 26/03/2025 17:30

OP it would be better to formalise your divorce him later when he may be more limited, with the then consequence of his having to adjust to paid carers at that point.
I'd start with domicilary care a couple of days a week now. Start with eg 2+3 carer calls a day.

EmmaEmEmz · 26/03/2025 17:33

You never have to stay with someone if you don't want to, whatever the situation. It sounds really tough and u can imagine why you'd be questioning it, but if you want to leave you gave every right to and no one should judge a second of your life.

MeganM3 · 26/03/2025 17:40

Who’s going to judge anyway?
if the tables were turned, he wouldn’t be about to care for you in bad health into your old age.

Live your life.

Overnightoats1 · 26/03/2025 21:45

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage. My DM did and is now a ball of bitter anger and resentment in her 70's.. I wish they had gone their separate ways much earlier... she is now caring for him as he has had some health issues and she hates her life.. definitely find a new normal where you get to be happy again.

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