To think that people who say “they don’t need anyone” are just emotionally available and scared of commitment?

[MyEagerPombear]

It’s not independence, it’s avoidance. If you truly didn’t need anyone, you wouldn’t keep complaining about being lonely.

TITLE meant to say emotionally UNAVAILABLE

Maybe it’s difficult for them to get the nuances of relationships.Some people are not worth the hassle and others are. Good relationships are not hard work.

Don't judge others by your own standards.

If someone is complaining of being lonely but also saying they don't need anyone then yes they are contradictory, but if someone asserts they are perfectly happy single and doesn't complain of loneliness then I think we should do them the courtesy of believing them.

No

What do you mean by JUST emotionally unavailable and scared of commitment?

People who have avoidant tendencies and are hyper-independent usually got there by being let down, over and over again, by the people who were meant to love them most.

There's no 'just' about it.

Yeah I don’t think so.

i had a 22 year marriage. I know what commitment means and I’m not scared of it.

i also don’t need anyone at this stage of my life.

if someone amazing came along maybe I’d make a commitment but I’m financially independent, my kids are grown up and I have friends and cats to share my life with.

No, not at all. A healthy person shouldn’t “need” anyone. Wanting, though, is different.

I live alone, in a remote rural location. I am a widow. I have my beloved cat and horse for company, read large numbers of library books and am perfectly happy.

Life's just not that black and white, there are all sorts of reasons people don't want a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner, some of those reasons will be fear driven, but some of those will be because they genuinely don't need that. We're not all the same.

This. In many cases it will stem from not having their needs met in childhood.

I’m single, not exactly through choice but I’m perfectly happy alone and don’t need anyone. I’d absolutely love it if I met someone though.

iIt’s not something I think very much about.

I don't want/ need a partner. I don't complain that I'm lonely though

This depends on the 'person ' they don't need. Human connection is necessary, so it's important to have friends and/or family connection.

Not everyone needs to be in a relationship though, and that has nothing to do with being scared or emotionally avoidant. If they're complaining of loneliness, it may be that they do want a partner or maybe just need to find a purpose.

Fair point. I didn’t mean to downplay the reasons behind it - just that sometimes what people frame as ‘fierce independence’ is actually a reaction to past hurt rather than a true choice.

Nope. I had a 41 year marriage. I am perfectly happy alone. Definitely don’t need anyone and am certainly not in denial, thanks. Take your amateur psychology elsewhere.

How is it any of your business?

In a lot of people, hyper independence is a response to childhood trauma. I am absolutely the sort of person who would say exactly that. It’s not that I don’t need anyone or am afraid of commitment (very happily married to Dh for 17 years, I do need him). But I was let down by so many people as a child and as an adult that it’s much safer to just sort yourself out.

I do wish I had more people in my life I could depend on, but not at the risk of getting hurt. I am tough and I get through stuff as needed. It isn’t really as simple as just changing or being less avoidant. It’s definitely a part of who I am and I can’t imagine it changing (though I wouldn’t say it’s something I’d generally complain about either). I know exactly how I am.

What about those of us that were so neglected as kids, left alone for long periods, dealt with our own problems as there was no one to to sort them out. Learnt to cook, shop, wash clothes from a young age, responsible for your own personal safety, no one to go to when distressed and laid low for fear that social services, if they found out, would put you in a home.

So yeah, I don’t need anyone and never have and live my life accordingly and no, I don’t think I feel loneliness as others do because to me being alone is the norm.

However, it could make it difficult if I needed a counter-signatory for a passport 😜

No. I don't need anyone.

My choice to be with someone is that - a choice, a preference. It's not a need.

I think if you need to be with someone, you're probably not the sort of person to choose to be with.

It’s not really - I just find it interesting how people talk about independence versus emotional avoidance. It’s a common theme in relationships and friendships, so I was curious what others thought.

Is this about one particular person, rather than independent people in general?

I don’t want to be in a relationship. I’m ’fiercely independent’ (so much so that I’m not sure why it’s in speech marks like it’s sarcastic).

I’m not lonely though. And I don’t deny it’s at least in part due to past hurt.

Going through a break up at the moment (18 years married) and it was a wonder to me to be able to say the sentence ‘I don’t need anyone’. Every human being should be able to say it and no I’m not a hater of love or relationships (actually I write rom com!), but I think everyone should be an independent, they can be part of a team but capable of being on their own. Fair dues to people who didn’t need twenty years of a relationship to figure it out!

Who complained about being lonely. 😊

As far as I can tell. I don't need any one, demonstrated by the fact, at 61, I've only lived with a partner for four years.

I have a happy teenager, a home (mortgage will be paid off this year), a pension, a career, functioning finances. Our home is like Piccadilly Circus some weekends. It would be hard to be lonely.

I've chosen not to have a relationship over the last 8 years, to protect my ds but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't enjoy an intimate relationship if it came along now DS is older. A man would have to add something to an already very happy life though, and that's quite a tall order.

Well if you can understand that, then you can understand how independence and avoidance are two sides of the same coin.

And if you understand that, then you also understand why someone in that position would feel deeply, existentially lonely – and equally terrified of the vulnerability required to let people in.

Including, incidentally, the vulnerability it takes to lay that reality out on the table (where people will talk about it as 'just' avoidance).

And if you understand all of that... then what's the question?

What a strange post. Some people are just happy, even happier in some cases, being single. I don't need a someone and I am happily very independent, have been since I was a very small child. If the right someone was in the frame then I may well want them, but not need them.
If you flip what you've said on its head you could as easily argue that people who do have to be in relationships are needy and emotionally stunted as they have to have some of their needs met externally.