To think that people who say “they don’t need anyone” are just emotionally available and scared of commitment?

[MyEagerPombear]

It’s not independence, it’s avoidance. If you truly didn’t need anyone, you wouldn’t keep complaining about being lonely.

TITLE meant to say emotionally UNAVAILABLE

It’s not about one person in particular, more just an observation about how ‘fierce independence’ is sometimes a response to being let down. If it genuinely works for you and you’re happy, then fair enough! But I do think some people use it as a defence mechanism while still feeling lonely underneath.

I don't need anyone, I quite like some people's company though.
I am not lonely and I can get all the interaction I need through monor social interactions with strangers if necessary.
I live with DS and DH but if they aren't around I am quite happy on my own

I'd rather be in no relationship than the wrong relationship. I was taken advantage of for years. So I am comfortable now knowing my boundaries. I don't need anyone- I want someone- but only the right someone.

Do you mean not needing anyone at all, or do you mean not needing a romantic partner?

I definitely don't need or want a romantic partner at the stage I'm at (recently divorced, long marriage) but I do need/want my kids, my friends, my parents, my siblings to be in my life. A romantic partner isn't by any means essential for my happiness, the last couple of years has proven that to me, and it's not because I'm damaged or in denial.

It depends. People do vary quite a lot in what/how much they need from other people.
DH has a "best friend" that will get in touch every three months or two for a really long chat. Then nothing for ages.
We went on holiday with him once.
He used to get up really early, cycle to the village for croissants, leave breakfast out for us. Then fuck off on his own for the rest of the day. If you got up early you could catch him at it. It was like disturbing a timid forest creature.
He's not avoidant. He just has a very low need for human company.

I get that independence and avoidance can be linked but that doesn’t mean they’re always the same thing. Some people genuinely enjoy being independent, while others use it as a shield. The issue is when people frame avoidance as empowerment without acknowledging the fear behind it. Recognising that doesn’t invalidate their struggles - it just calls for honesty.

I've been married three times. Each time I've found my DH to be lacking in many areas (two of the marriages were ended by me, one by my DH). They either didn't see why they should demean themselves to clean, care for the kids, do general household admin, plan anything, take on jobs that were habitually 'mine' when I was ill or away... I loved them all in different ways, but am now single and mightily glad to not have to rely on someone who is incredibly likely to let me down.

I was mainly referring to people who act like they don’t need anyone at all, rather than just those who don’t want a romantic relationship. There’s a difference between choosing to be single and pushing everyone away under the guise of ‘independence.’

No.
I don't need anyone.
I'm not emotionally unavailable.
I'm not scared of commitment.
I don't keep complaining about being lonely.

Would I like someone? Yes, if it happens, but it's really not the be all and end all.

Not at all.

Why do they owe you 'honesty' on this?

Do we all have to lay bare our fear and struggles in order to justify the survival mechanisms that allowed us to keep going this long?

And if that's the case, are you leading by example? What's the fear YOU have that's making this an issue worth getting bothered by?

Trauma and life experiences can really affect a person like this. That’s why it’s beneficial to have some empathy - especially if you don’t know their story

or they could just enjoy being alone. Which is allowed and is perfectly cool.

If DH and I ever break up then I have decided to be alone. I have too much baggage from childhood to look for love and acceptance again in mid life. And I’m ok with that! ☺️

I've been widowed for over a decade, and you couldn't pay me to start dating again. I'm happy, as I am have no need for a partner nor want I'm happy alone. It's not fear or avoidance it's simply that I have no need or want of a man in my life

It’s not independence, it’s avoidance. If you truly didn’t need anyone, you wouldn’t keep complaining about being lonely

Most people who say they don't need anyone absolutely don't complain about being lonely, though, so I find it hard to believe you're not talking about a specific person in your life.

To be honest, you just sound a bit threatened by the notion that people might not need you - or envious that some people can be happy without the kind of support that you might need/crave. Otherwise, why would any of this bother you enough to start a thread about it?

Again - what does it matter to you whether someone needs other people or not? What business is it of yours?

This is such a weird, goady post.

I'd say or - or we DH and I - are fierce independence because we've had to be - so many people over years have let us down - it's better to plan to do things ourselves then agree to help and get fucked over last minute and have to scramble yet again. I say I was raised that way as well - my parents always seem to be bottom of everyones pile.

However I like people - I can get overwhelmed with crowds and do need down time - but I like people - general chats - to working with to just saying hello to.

I'm happiest when DH and kids are all around in the house. I can do alone time but always enjoy doing days out or walks with others more than by myself - though been told on here thats a sort of personal failing and I should happy to do stuff by myself - I can and will just enjoy it more with others.

So I suppose it depends on context - oh when and how it said and what's meant.

The issue is when people frame avoidance as empowerment without acknowledging the fear behind it. Recognising that doesn’t invalidate their struggles - it just calls for honesty.

What's with the armchair therapy, OP? Why do you imagine that you know these people better than they know themselves? Or that they owe you honesty? Again, seems unlikely that you're talking in general terms rather than thinking of specific people in your life who have rejected you.

I take it you are one of those people who can't be single? And are needy and clingy?

On the flip side: how many people are stuck in relationships that make them unhappy because they 'need' to be there - for the kids, for the financial security, etc etc. If you want to talk about what is and isn't a 'true choice', you might want to consider more than just people who choose to stay single or be in unconventional relationships that work for them.

What a weird take. This is the kind of stuff incels men post all over social media. How independent women are just kidding themselves and actually really need a man. No thanks!

Well......I don't need to live with anyone. I don't need a romantic partner. I don't need romantic love. I don't need to be married or cared for by a partner. I don't need a partners money.

But i do need friends and acquaintances and interactions with others.

I'm very independent and happy

Never lonely. Rarely sad about anything

I'm not sure how I fit in to your opening post, OP?

I don't recall ever saying I was lonely.
50, never married. Briefly lived with father of my son in my 20s.

No discernable relationships in the last 15 years.

Not looking for one.

Please do tell me that I'm spouting bullshit in your ahem, opinion.

Ooooo you reminded me!

I'm never needy or clingy !

It's not an act.

Please do tell me more about my wants and needs.

What's the context for this...you don't need anyone as in friends, or a relationship, people to do your DIY? Parents?