Indian meal - stop moaning and eat!

[IGetWeak]

I need to know if I’m going nuts, because I’ve been told I overreacted, whereas I think I was actually pretty restrained!

My dad is the kind of person who won’t say something once when five times will do. Like if you go for the weekend and he’s heard a new joke, for example, he can’t just tell you it - he’ll have to find a way to throw the punchline into several other conversations over the weekend. It’s usually a mild irritant, but sometimes he does it when he’s moaning about something; in which case it just starts to feel a bit relentless.

Anyway, I was visiting this weekend and had noticed an Indian restaurant we all like has started doing a Sunday buffet. I suggested I treat us on the Sunday to save my mum cooking. Everyone was happy to go.

It ran from 12 - 4, so we decided to go at 3, as we all like a late breakfast and late lunch on Sundays. However, it turned out this was a mistake, as it seemed like it was already winding down. Empty trays were being taken away and not replaced; there were no vegetable side dishes, only a new broken poppadoms left etc.. A bit disappointing, but no big deal - we could either go earlier next time or just not go again, right?

My dad would not let it go, ALL through the meal. Everything was a complaint. “No side dishes? It’s supposed to be a buffet!” (I’m vegetarian, so the absence of vegetable side dishes should have been an issue for me if anything - for him, the vegetable main could be a side dish.) He asked were they bringing out more poppadoms; when they said they’d finished them for the day, he looked like a child whose favourite toy had been confiscated. He kept saying, “No more poppadoms? No sides? There wasn’t even any sauces or mango chutney!”

My mum and I were both getting fed up now; she’d told him to leave it and that we just wouldn’t come again. He was still muttering and I said, “Look, I know you’re not happy, but I thought I was doing something nice, and there’s nothing we can do, so let’s just talk about something else.” He said, “Well what do you want me to do? I can’t pretend I’m enjoying it.” By this point I’m properly grinding my teeth and say, “You don’t have to pretend - just stop going over it.”

My mum and I tried to ignore him and carry on with our conversation. He starts AGAIN, saying in this sort of bewildered tone, “The poppadoms, the sides, the extras… that’s what makes an Indian! There was hardly anything! No mango chutney!”

Well, something about that sodding chutney made me snap. I got up and said, “Right, that’s it. I can either go to Sainsbury’s and BUY some mango bloody chutney, and you can have the whole jar, or we can just finish our meal in peace!!”

I’m sure you can imagine how this went down. On one hand, it had the desired effect - he did actually stop moaning. But now he’s barely talking to me at all, and my mum is doing her usual thing of making it about my reaction instead of the cause of it. I’m sick of it. Why am I being made to feel like I pushed him to “pretend” he’d enjoyed a meal, just because I didn’t want the entire event to be one endless running commentary about how awful it had all been? Most people would just say thank you, but not him.

I’m not even expecting an apology, because I know I won’t get one. But I’m certainly not giving one. And I feel like yet again, it will just end up as “let’s forget it” with nothing changing.

I've known both men and women of all ages do this - some people are just persistent moaners. Actually, in my personal experience it's more common in women as they're more likely to have been actively encouraged to be passive-aggressive rather than just saying what they want to happen. I think your only hope is to say 'alright, we get the picture!' or something else in as jovial a manner as you can manage early on in the moan, but even that's got a low chance of success. Otherwise you end up exploding, as the OP did, and then they will feel entirely justified in moaning about how rude and aggressive you are.

Honestly, this thread!

Dad was reasonable to be irritated, but stop banging on about it after the first complaint. We know you're disappointed, we don't need to hear about it for the entire meal. I would be exactly as annoyed with this carrying on as OP.

Restaurant: absolutely unreasonable. I worked in the industry for several years in my 20s. If they've advertised a buffet until 4pm, it's 3pm and they want to start clearing up, at a minimum they should ask which items you're most interested in and which ones they can tidy away. If the poppadoms were important to the customers who have paid for the meal, fgs bring out poppadoms and chutney. The cost of the poppadoms, chutney, and a vegetarian main would easily be included in whatever price you paid, and he isn't wrong that quite a lot of people would be disappointed by not having them.

We used to go to a Chinese buffet years ago and if we were ever late, they would essentially come ask us if there were any dishes we'd like, and they made small versions for us while they cleared up.

I'd actually be inclined to send them some reasonable feedback about this, given that they're new to offering a buffet.

To be fair I see his point. The moment you found out nothing else is coming I’d have walked out and gone somewhere else to have a proper lunch.
the restaurant should have been upfront and if there was really nothing they could do to give you some additional food (I mean, they have zero jars of chutney rolling around in the kitchen???), they should have proactively reflected the lack of food in the bill.

Agree it's not just men, but they do tend to get angrier than women. Some men of my acquaintance, if you said 'all right, we get the picture!' to them, they'd absolutely explode - or sulk!

The real question is OP- how many naans did you have?

Haha! I saw that thread too 😄 They would have been delighted to know there was a tray of naan 🫓

To be fair I see his point. The moment you found out nothing else is coming I’d have walked out and gone somewhere else to have a proper lunch.

Where? We weren’t in the restaurant quarter of a major capital city. Factor in to that that presumably we’d have had to have at least some sort of discussion with the restaurant before walking out without paying for what we’d already eaten, and suddenly a late lunch becomes an early dinner.

I’ve decided I’m actually going to suggest this to him. Mainly because I’ve thought of a great name for the act - Papa Dom and the Chutnettes.

He can’t sing, but it won’t matter too much as, in the spirit of his behaviour, he can just learn one song and play it over and over and over until we all die.

I am so confused by some of these posts, yes it wasn’t an amazing buffet but it sounds like it wasn’t slop. Surely basic manners require you just smile and eat a curry as opposed to consistently bang on about the lack of poppadoms. I say that as someone who loves poppadoms BTW.

It reminds me of my parents, they took me on holidays when I was a teenager. They never really had money for this sort of thing, so it was a big deal. The hotel wasn’t to their taste and they were dissatisfied. Instead of just trying to enjoy it for what it was, they were miserable and consistently moaned for a week. They ruined what enjoyment they might have had. Clearly it stuck with me as I am speaking about it 25 years later, sad really 😅

I got half way through and then did what I never do, skipped to the end because I was so fed up of the Team dad posts!

DH can be like this. Moaning on and on about something that can't be changed or isn't a big issue in the scheme of things. I too finally had enough and blew up after one irritating night, but then doubled down and refused to entertain ever going to the place again (knowing fine well that once the dust had settled he would want to). It's been 10 years and he still asks if I want to go (and I refuse!)

(Also, we have a Chinese buffet near us that runs 1200-1600. We always book for 1500 because at the end they pack up the leftovers into tubs and you can purchase them for a pittance - every meal we have we come back with enough boxes for another 2)

I am so confused by some of these posts, yes it wasn’t an amazing buffet but it sounds like it wasn’t slop.

Exactly this, @Loub1987. The food was absolutely fine - it was the lack of choice that was the issue. Also, I feel personally that you accept that you won’t necessarily find your favourite dish at a buffet; that’s why it’s cheaper.

There was a post a few pages back comparing it to being served fish and chips and then being told there were no chips. I think it’s actually quite different from that. Fish and chips with no chips means you’re not getting what was described - a major element is missing. That’s not the same as a buffet running a bit low on certain things. Yes, it’s disappointing, but it’s still a buffet, which was what was advertised.

(Also, we have a Chinese buffet near us that runs 1200-1600. We always book for 1500 because at the end they pack up the leftovers into tubs and you can purchase them for a pittance - every meal we have we come back with enough boxes for another 2)

There’s a place near me that does that - great idea!

Or Papa Dom and The Sides

DS is wired this way. He gets short shrift and promptly told to stop doom-spiraling before he gains momentum. His opinion is noted. This is the situation. Now keep it to yourself because the only thing chuntering on will acheive is getting the rest of us annoyed with him.

It sounds like OP's mum just quietly puts up and enables him 🙄
OP YANBU to tell another adult off for poor, childish behaviour that ruins everyone else's time.

(And yes, I'd expect most food including basics like poppadoms and chutneys to be avaliable at an hour to go, and run down at about 30mins to go)

My husband can be a bit like this doom spiralling is spot on ! I do tell him though or he would just go into a rant.

i think you’re getting a hard time on here OP. Your Dad sounds like a pain in the arse. A complete atmosphere hoover! You all knew it was a bit rubbish, he didn’t need to go on and on about it. Why couldn’t he just accept it for what it was and have a double korma or whatever WAS on offer? It sounds like the restaurant haven’t quite got the quantities right for their new buffet offering but endless moaning wasn’t going to change that. Who knows, a gentle bit of feedback to the staff could have produced all sorts… even a voucher to come back another time. But you’ll never know because mr grumpy pants was too busy being grumpy.

It doesn't even matter. If I was being served fish and chips and they brought me a ham sandwich and someone else was paying and had taken me there, I'd say "That's fine, I like ham sandwiches", even though I don't particularly.

If I had gone there myself and I was paying, I'd throw it at them.

I can't see why people don't get that you behave entirely differently because of the different circumstances, and that's what matters, not the quality or otherwise of the meal. Do they all fuss and moan when someone makes them a meal in their house that the chips aren't done the way they like?

I suspect your father just believes he's always the one in charge when he is with you, because he's your father. I imagine he wouldn't do it if he was being taken out and paid for by his boss.

The more of your replies I read the more you sound unreasonable. You DF made some valid points, you shouted at him and said he had it coming. You both sound irritating. I feel for you DM.

You DF made some valid points

He started out by making valid points. I agreed with those points. I didn’t “shout” because of those points. I got frustrated because he refused to stop moaning.

You say you feel for my mother. Well don’t you think she’d have had less of this to deal with if maybe she’d said “Enough!” a bit more often? With back-up?

I think you're directing your frustration at the wrong person, love

It’s more like being told there’s no salt, vinegar, tomato ketchup or mushy peas.

I’m Team Dad, and would have negotiated a reduction in price before I started eating. Absolutely no reason they couldn’t have brought out a basket of popadoms & chutney.

I’m Team Dad, and would have negotiated a reduction in price before I started eating.

So you’re a psychic then?

wait, what do you mean by "running a bit low on certain things?"
There's a difference between bit low and not any!
your first posts made it sound as though you didnt get to have any of the sides like poppadoms or chutney at all, not that you got to have, say, one each but would have eaten 5. It's a bit different!

Fine, perhaps it's not a case of no chips at all, but I stand by my comment that if you're in a queue at the chippy, the person in front of you orders cod and chips and gets a big cod and large bag of about 50 chips, you order the same but get fish half the size and the last ten chips scraped from the side of the vat, it's normal to be annoyed at that and most people wouldn't just pay up and meekly go "well....we won't come here again!"

wait, what do you mean by "running a bit low on certain things?"
There's a difference between bit low and not any!
your first posts made it sound as though you didnt get to have any of the sides like poppadoms or chutney at all, not that you got to have, say, one each but would have eaten 5. It's a bit different!

It’s all in the opening post.

@AthWat I'm with you and OP on the side of basic good manners and consideration which, sadly, OP's DF and too many others seem to lack. If someone else is putting their hand in their pocket to feed me, particularly at a time when everything is increasing in price, I'd show gratitude for their generosity (and be gracious enough to keep quiet about the food even if I found it lacking in any way).
I also think your final comment is particularly insightful: 'I suspect your father just believes he's always the one in charge when he is with you, because he's your father. I imagine he wouldn't do it if he was being taken out and paid for by his boss." 😊

Well given his price was zero pounds I don't know how he was going to organise a reduction. Or do you mean OP should have negotiated a price? It wasn't bothering her, she's not a child, she doesn't have to pander to her childish dad or join her mum in doing so.

OP I have a family member who is very high maintenance. Everybody knows it. The most annoying thing is my mum insists everybody else falls into line with it just because she knows this person won't.