Adolescence - AIBU to be so worried?

[Netflixandchill25]

Long time poster, penis beaker/anal at Center Parcs. Name changed for this post only.

Like everyone I’ve watched Adolescence. And as the parent of a boy (and girls) I am so worried.

From reading about it before watching it, I had hoped it would be a clear cut explanation for the murder - to do with social media exposure/incel. I have a Y6 boy who is not having a smartphone, and knows that, so I feel like I’m already avoiding the traps of SM for now.

But episode 3 in particular. The boy reminded me so much of my eldest (Y6). We are northern, so even the accent. But more than that, the attitude, the cocksure-ness, the aggression in just his words, before he started shouting and being physically aggressive with the therapist.

My DS has ASD and ADHD, he’s hopeless at sports, he’s quirky, his self esteem is clearly very low. He reminds me of Jay from the Inbetweeners when he’s trying to impress, he makes stuff up at the drop of a hat. He’s not popular and he knows this, he knows who the popular kids are. He has got a couple of good, close friends, they’re a bit like him really, but I don’t see the same self esteem/desperate to impress issues in them when they’re together. They’re not really popular either but they seem much happier in their own skin.

He masks in school and we’ve never had any big behaviour problems there, although took him a while to settle and Y1 was tricky as it affected by lockdowns.

The message I’ve taken from Adolescence is that it’s always the “weird” ones, isn’t it? And that’s consistent with what we hear from the US about school shootings. The Columbine case sticks out - quirky, “weird” boys who were bullied, never felt they belonged.

DS is aggressive at home and we don’t know how to manage it. A lot of it is verbal aggression, intimidating behaviour (I don’t even think it’s his intention to intimidate, it’s more a fight instinct linked to his neurodiversity).

I don’t know what I can do to help him turn out ok. We support his neurodiversity as much as we can whilst making sure he’s held to account for unacceptable behaviour, but nothing seems to have long lasting effects. We don’t have huge behaviour problems, he’s not destructive or majorly physically aggressive. Yet. But neither did Jamie in the show. I can so easily see that becoming my DS, his low self esteem and the front he puts up because of it.

That they aren't a troll.

He will need access to the internet for Secondary school homework

is there anything more you could do to raise his self esteem? Sport isnt the only way, does he have any other interests or something you think he would enjoy/be good at?

Its natural to be worried about our kids of course but remember this was a drama, not every kid with low self esteem will get into trouble.

DS plays grass roots football, he says he enjoys it, but he’s pretty hopeless and I’ve often seen team mates get annoyed with him. I’ve gently tried to steer him away from it as I don’t want it to be social suicide for him, but he insists he enjoys it. DH and I are kindly encouraging when we watch him play.

He does a lot of other physical activities and after school sports but he hasn’t found one he adores and really good at.

No he won’t have a smartphone in Y7. He has a laptop that he can do his homework on at home.

There are several thousand threads on this show already, and one today specifically on this topic.

Me too - and it implies the OP started these two threads!!

I think some of the point of the show is that it can happen to any family, not just the 'typical' family we would expect.
I think the fact that you are worried and care and realise that this could happen to anyone puts you at a great advantage.
It's the families that don't realise what their child is up to sometimes (who does all the time?) and doesn't have the time to spend keeping the channels of communication open with their child that could get into a difficult situation.
You sound like a great mum, keep being consistent and ask for help from school if you need it

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers I’ve suggested things like drama, singing, he’s not interested, he hates being the centre of attention. He loves reading, and he is good at drawing but doesn’t do much of that in his spare time, I wish he would. I’ve suggested everything I can think of, chess clubs etc. He didn’t enjoy Cubs unfortunately.

That the poster has been a long time member of the community, that they belong and feel able to ask for help. That they aren't here to troll or wind people up, but because of privacy reasons what to disconnect this thread from previous posts HTH

OP, the biggest take away from adolescence was to work on the kid's self esteem and sense of self. What does your boy enjoy? What is he good at? What new things might he want to try? Happy and secure kids (even if they're out of step with their peers) are less vulnerable

And connect with him properly as the unique person he is. Get involved with the stuff he cares about. Learn the detail of the stuff he talks about. Try to let him be who he actually is with you, not a censored version of himself. Treat him with the same interest and respect and kindness as you'd treat your friend, without being his friend and not being his parent IYSWIM

Ausome Trainers in Ireland do great online courses about parenting autistic children. The trainers are all Autistic and very focused on autistic wellbeing. One of their courses may help you to help him.

The positive thing is that your son has good friends and attends school. I agree that an autistic child is more vulnerable to cultist online influences especially if they drop out of school or spend too much time alone. Sounds like you are doing a good job in keeping him in the real world. If you can encourage real life interests with real people he will be okay.
But you need to stop his verbal abuse ... it's habit forming and it's probably giving him some sort of buzz or release. Get all the advice you can on replacing this with an acceptable form of buzz/release ... or he will grow up to be an abusive man.

Absolutely @LighthouseTeaCup , I’m finding this balance really hard at the moment. He has a tendency to brain dump, which I can deal with, but then when his sisters want to speak too, I can’t let him dominate the conversation too much. He also says inappropriate things that he’s definitely just not quite understanding the gravity of (or the ADHD part of his brain is getting a hit from saying things he knows he shouldn’t!). He gets told off (gently but firmly that it is not ok) and his defence is always that his friends say it to him, but his friends perhaps get the nuances of things it’s funny/ok to say to peers but not to parents. I know he would never say these things to his teacher so he grasps some nuances but not others, but it lands him in trouble and it is for being “who he is”.

I think you need to understand tech and put the right parental controls in place to monitor what's going on. You also need to understand slang. But, mostly you need to build a trusting relationship where you can talk about stuff.

If he's being aggressive at home that needs to be addressed. You might need to access some talking therapy or anger management. I would absolutely park that behaviour. I would make him aware every time he does it. Ignorance isn't an excuse. You need to deal with it now because he's only going to get bigger and stronger.

@Loubylie yes it’s been a complete losing battle. As you say habit most likely, but how to get him out of it I don’t know. I wonder if a complete but clear reset is needed, make a list together of the things that we do not say to each other as a family, and if he says one thing then instant consequence. Sounds a bit pavlov’s dog but I don’t know what to do.

I think you are over worried and it's unfair you've basically put him in the "weirdo/potential incel" box.

Look at that Luigi Malone guy who murdered the health insurance CEO. No one would have ever suspected he would do something like that as he was stereotypical "popular".

You're boy doesn't sound shy or anything so it's good he is into playing footy etc. I honestly think he will be ok but do get some kind of therapy for the verbal abuse.

This sounds useful.

Try not to worry, there are millions of boys his age who act like your son and grown out of it.

Adolescence has obviously scared a lot of people but it's fiction not a documentary, yes it happens but is extremely rare. Most kids who kill are involved in gangs/drugs etc. You hear about the lone wolf attacks more because they're so rare.

Monitor his internet use and search history closely though, which many parents apparently didn't realise was important until adolescence came out

Not a smart phone @Trivialfacets, and even if he did have one, no social media, no phones in bedrooms at night. I’m confident in the boundaries I’m going to put in around phone use. We have a family PlayStation which he plays some games on and we play altogether too sometimes.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy I adore him and I don’t think he’s “weird” as such but I can see he does have some quirks in a peer group or with a friend he’s trying to impress. He definitely has a couple of really close friends who I can see he is more himself with. He’s so unsure of himself with people he’s not really close to though, even grandparents sometimes.

And the immediate arsey-ness from previous posters is such a good example of how shit social media can be, even when used by adults!

If you're "only" dealing with verbal aggression I'd suggest having a look at the book The Explosive Child. If physical aggression is involved, Yvonne Newbold Hopes Facebook groups, are amazing.

Its very scary out there, especially for those of us with autistic children..I've got an autistic daughter in a special school who is dealing with inappropriateness from a boy who has clearly picked up much of this online. It's depressing as he is only 12. The school and the council are at a bit of a loss because the nature of these children's issues means there will always be some level of social awkwardness/inappropriateness, but everyone needs to be safe.

My son, who is in secondary and not autistic does have a smart phone and has got WhatsApp. The rule is he's not allowed to delete anything and I am allowed to check it, or he loses it. We discuss anything I don't like.

He's currently involved in air cadets as he's also struggling socially and not a kid who can do sports etc. it's really good for him and given him a place to belong. We also encourage the nerdy stuffy, so he goes to a Dungeons and dragons club after school and a STEM club. He IS a weird kid, but if you're surrounded by other weird kids, you're not THE weird kid, which I think is very important.

I also constantly discuss the crap we see in films movies etc. And have largely avoided media that's overtly sexist racist etc until they were old enough to discuss it properly. I think we'll be watching adolescence together this week.

Thank you @Scrubberdubber . Yes for now he’s still very respectful of rules around tech. He asks to play a game/watch TV/play games on the laptop. He’s a curious boy and so far he’s good at coming and asking about things (like how babies are made, that was an awkward conversation!). I do check the laptop though but I know he isn’t on it much.