Adolescence - AIBU to be so worried?

[Netflixandchill25]

Long time poster, penis beaker/anal at Center Parcs. Name changed for this post only.

Like everyone I’ve watched Adolescence. And as the parent of a boy (and girls) I am so worried.

From reading about it before watching it, I had hoped it would be a clear cut explanation for the murder - to do with social media exposure/incel. I have a Y6 boy who is not having a smartphone, and knows that, so I feel like I’m already avoiding the traps of SM for now.

But episode 3 in particular. The boy reminded me so much of my eldest (Y6). We are northern, so even the accent. But more than that, the attitude, the cocksure-ness, the aggression in just his words, before he started shouting and being physically aggressive with the therapist.

My DS has ASD and ADHD, he’s hopeless at sports, he’s quirky, his self esteem is clearly very low. He reminds me of Jay from the Inbetweeners when he’s trying to impress, he makes stuff up at the drop of a hat. He’s not popular and he knows this, he knows who the popular kids are. He has got a couple of good, close friends, they’re a bit like him really, but I don’t see the same self esteem/desperate to impress issues in them when they’re together. They’re not really popular either but they seem much happier in their own skin.

He masks in school and we’ve never had any big behaviour problems there, although took him a while to settle and Y1 was tricky as it affected by lockdowns.

The message I’ve taken from Adolescence is that it’s always the “weird” ones, isn’t it? And that’s consistent with what we hear from the US about school shootings. The Columbine case sticks out - quirky, “weird” boys who were bullied, never felt they belonged.

DS is aggressive at home and we don’t know how to manage it. A lot of it is verbal aggression, intimidating behaviour (I don’t even think it’s his intention to intimidate, it’s more a fight instinct linked to his neurodiversity).

I don’t know what I can do to help him turn out ok. We support his neurodiversity as much as we can whilst making sure he’s held to account for unacceptable behaviour, but nothing seems to have long lasting effects. We don’t have huge behaviour problems, he’s not destructive or majorly physically aggressive. Yet. But neither did Jamie in the show. I can so easily see that becoming my DS, his low self esteem and the front he puts up because of it.

I didn’t view Jamie as a weirdo at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve an AuDHD teen daughter (14) and am ADHD myself. The frustration with the world/school/growing up plus dopamine seeking often come together. With my daughter I’m working on her brain chemistry - it’s recently been discovered that serotonin in (long term happiness) and dopamine (short term fix) work on an accelerator-break system. So the more they chase dopamine, the lower the longer term happiness gets. She joined the air cadets at 13 and it has been absolutely amazing. There are so many things to do and try that she never gets bored, and the structure and discipline has been brilliant too.

I’m genuinely hoping my DD is gay because it’s clear that the majority of boys in her school are not being parented in any sense, and any one of them could easily become a “Jamie”.

Keep up with all the sports, just because he isn’t brilliant now, that doesn’t mean he won’t grow into it as his body develops. The fact he enjoys it and is running around burning off energy and testosterone is the main thing.

I understand your concern for SM but you’ll need to get your head around that at some point. You say you don’t want to pull him away from football for fear of social suicide but banning all SM as he gets older will do that. SM is how all the kids communicate these days. It’s how they arrange meet-ups outside of school etc.

Keep all lines of communication open, chat at the dinner table about things like Andrew Tate, Trump etc, involve your DD’s in the conversations so he hears about the female experience, influence his thinking as he grows up so he isn’t only forming his views from his peers and the internet.

What kind of things is he saying?

Mine will often come out with stuff and after a bit of questioning I realize he doesn't actually fully understand what he's said. He then gets a graphic explanation which usually stops it in his tracks! And hopefully, eventually he'll learn to be more careful.

We also have a rule that what is good for the goose is good for the gander, so any "locker rooms talk" is completely turned around until he looks like he's going to cringe himself to death. Make dick and ball jokes all day long and your sister will get extremely graphic about lumpy periods. "Deez Nuts" your mother and she will ask you how you'd feel about a ""dis vulva" retort. (Not happy, btw, that's how he'd feel😂).

Ime it's the best way to shut it down immediately. Makes are rarely made to feel uncomfortable in the same exact way girls are.

@Trivialfacets demand avoidance - the problems are always around transitions. Time to get dressed, time to leave the house, time to get ready for bed. Or when he’s bored, so winds up a sibling, then gets reprimanded for it.

He has an ok relationship with his dad. His dad is also very likely ASD/ADHD. His dad isn’t aggressive in the slightest but has poor emotional regulation sometimes when tired (snappy, irritable, rather than losing temper).

My relationship with DH is on the whole good.

One thing I feel we’re getting right is gender roles. We both work full time and the school run/after school club/dinner type chores are split evenly. We both get time for ourselves to socialise/exercise and DC see this.

Air cadets is really good. I never thought I'd be happy with my child in a military esque type organization but he is interested in flying and we can't afford that, so gave it a go. He hated scouts because it can be very boisterous and a bit of a free for all but cadets really sets a tone and keeps that out of things. I highly recommend it

@OnePeachPombear you’ve got it in one! Deez nuts, your mother, smack me on the butt, fat, chubby, in your face (that last one is from a kids’ show on iPlayer!). Like you say locker room talk and if I overheard it amongst him and friends as long as it was good natured I’d just roll my eyes. But he will respond to a straightforward question with “your mother” or “in your face”. I’ve tried to scaffold his thinking by using his teacher as an example (if you wouldn’t say it to Mrs X, it’s not ok to say it to any other adult) but it hasn’t sunk in…

I know it’s not good @Trivialfacets but we are doing our best.

You're probably already aware but besides keeping on top of sleep I find making sure they're not hungry a huge help for dealing with outbursts. Autistic/ADHD often miss the hunger signs and that can get hangry real quick. Especially in the teen /growth spurt era

I also agree with Gareth Southgate that it’s really important for boys to grow up surrounded by good role models. Which is why it is also important for your DS to stick with his sports.

My DS holds his boxing coaches in such high esteem. Also, when he was your son’s age I managed to find a male 6th former who was lovely who I would ask to babysit if I ever needed a sitter. He certainly influenced my DS in a positive way.

That’s lovely @Bleachbum . Male teachers are in very short supply at DS’ primary unfortunately. I don’t have any brothers nearby so he doesn’t have any cool uncles.

Hi OP, I think you've been doing a great job. I have a son in Y5, so I can see the dangers you're talking about and the kind of behaviours you're afraid of. How is your DS doing at school with his study? What kind of school is he going to start in Sep? Is he good at maths/science, etc.? Our son was hyperactive as a toddler and now he just fidgets and talks a lot (he tends to blabber about his interests/hobbies a lot) and he also gets angry and shouty at times with 'madness attacks' as I call it when he just looses control and starts throwing stuff and makes a mess (but it happnes rarely now - usually when he is in a bad mood and doesn't want to do something). He also feels quite alienated at school but he doesn't have the desire to be popular - he is a very good pupil and the others don't care too much about the education, so that makes him feel a little lonely. But he is going to try his best to get into a grammar school, so he's very focused on his studies at the moment and we're hoping that he will be much happier in his next school. He doesn't have a phone/social media access either and we want to avoid it for as long as possible - it's pure evil. I think - like you mentioned - laptop is sufficient at the moment. Fortunately, I got him to love Star Wars and he loves his cricket so these are the things he thinks about a lot of the time. I think you're doing a great job, you just need to persevere and keep looking for that one thing that he will love. Try all kinds of sports - from fencing to tennis and taekwondo. Buy him science magazines and comic books. Take him on bike tours. And don't give up - even if he doesn't like something at first, try to teach him to persevere. Wish you all the best.

Really flesh out the "your mother" comments. That was one I heard my ds saying and it was so horrifically inappropriate in the context he'd used it in on one occasion (became overtly sexual, but he didn't even realize it until we talked it out and then he was mortified- it's just part of the way they speak.) and we've not had it since.

Explain how fucking sexist it is to use the women around a male as the focus for an insult to the male.

I don't think I'm a typical MN parent, and I'm not sure how well I can put across my version of letting a kid be who they are, while bringing them up to do their best and be a generally pleasant, responsible and respectful person!

I will allow my kids to say inappropriate or rude things to me. I have no problem with them swearing around me. My limit is swearing at a person or being aggressive with language towards a person. I want to see them as they are, warts and all. And I want them to know I like them for themselves. Adults swear and say rude/inappropriate things, so I think it's artificial to create this barrier around words. They understand there are different limits to behaviour at school and with the grandparents etc. But I don't think that their respect for me is determined by their choice of words around me. They do have respect for me in things that matter to me, so please don't think I'm permissive or passive, I'm very much not!

Remembering back to the year 4/5/6/7 toilet humour/inappropriate things they said to get a reaction phase, I'd sometimes react with humour and out compete them on who was the silliest. I also remember getting fed up with it all once and telling them that if they wanted to be rude, they'd have to do it in a more clever way, I showed them some Blackadder clips and told them to up their game on the insulting similies and metaphors. They're bloody witty now, with an excellent cutting sense of humour that can make me wet myself!

I guess I'm saying find humour with him where you can (whether or not you allow rudeness) Humour is a great way to connect with a kid and it always difusess anger. And it sounds like he's experimenting with rude/crude humour as a way to connect and impress right now anyway.

You can use it in the situations where he's doing the obvious lies like Jay from the inbetweeners. Treat his story like a fairy tail and carry it on, getting more and more ridiculous. I don't think you always need to tell kids off to show them that you're on to their game!

In a similar situation op, though mine is not autistic. Similar aggressive behaviours mainly directed at me. He’s very well behaved at school, but can be a nightmare at home and so lazy!. I feel bad for thinking negatively about him, but I worry so much for his future. I know a big part of it is related to puberty and hormones so we try not to “pick” on every little thing. It’s very hard, deep down he’s a great kid, with a great mind. but I know the older he gets the more he’ll be influenced by his peers, and the less control we will have. I know I’m in for some tough years ahead. I might look into cadets as a potential hobby as I think it might appeal to him.

@OnePeachPombear can I ask how you fleshed it out, any tips? I’m not sure I fully understand it despite googling, other than the fact it’s sexist and rude. I pointed out to DS that examples are “your mother so fat” or “your mother so ugly”, but in his black and white mind he couldn’t see why just saying “your mother” without the “fat/ugly” was rude. He argued that he didn’t say anything else. The “popular” boys in his class say it to each other. We had similar last year with “gay” but he was able to grasp straight away why that couldn’t be used as an insult and I’ve never heard him say it even though I know his friends do.

Oh and if he says "your mum" to you, ensure you follow it up with "You mean grandma? Your nana? Really?"

In the situation I went ballistic on, someone had something something sexualized/gross can't remember what it was exactly but to respond with "your mum" was to basically say he would do that to the boys mum which then gets, frankly, rapey. And I asked how he thought she'd feel of she heard him say that?

Would it be ok for someone to insult his sister by saying "your brother" every time? Why don't we say "your dad"?

Why are insults always about the woman? "Son of a bitch" "your mum" "that's not what your sister said last night".

Language is so sexist it doesn't feel sexist when you use it. It's "normal".

Ahhh, I would go overboard on how childish and lazy this is and challenge him to come up with some more grown up, clever, witty insults/comebacks.

"Your mother" just not funny is it son? Doesn't really make any sense? Do better. Try harder. Put some effort in!

Oh and the boys at his school were saying "I'll bang your nan" for a while!!! What the fuck. Where does it come from? We had a lot of talks about how these phrases which, again, I don't even think they thought about literally are basically saying you'd rape someone.