Entitled kids - what do I need to understand?

[OudAndRose]

For context, I am childfree so not always sure what normal expectations are for kids because I have limited frame of reference.

I have two nieces by my sister, age 6 and 9. They are the only kids in the family and get lots of attention and spoiling (but nothing excessive) as a result. In the last year or so they have become really entitled imo. They never say thank you for gifts, treats, trips out or effort made for them, and they will openly ask for things they want from me and other family members. Last weekend I went over for the 9 yo's birthday and took gifts and cupcakes for her, and she didn't say thank you, even after prompting. She asked for her present as soon as she saw me and then didn't engage after that. At Christmas I gave her little sister a gift worth about £50 and a card. She opened the gift and then asked me if there was money inside the card (there wasn't!). Other times I have seen them recently they always ask me for things - treats, toys that they see and want - and at the same time are quite dismissive of me.

There are lots of little behaviours like this and it's really putting me off spending time with them, but I feel like as an adult I should rise above it because they can't be expected to know better - just wondering if others would agree, or expect more of them? None of my friends' kids behave like this - they aren't angels but they are always grateful for any gifts, treats etc., and if they aren't their parents are mortified, whereas my sister and BIL never really notice or pull my nieces up on this.

YABU - all kids do this kind of thing at some point, don't overthink it
YANBU - it's rude and not the norm

The issue is with your sister and your brother in law. How can their young daughters be expected to know how to behave if they have crap parents.

Your sister has massively failed as a parent.

Stop giving them things and explain why.

Not all dc are like this. Plenty are though. Depends on the parents I think maybe.

my sister and BIL never really notice or pull my nieces up on this.

There's your problem right there! They'll never be any different if they aren't corrected. You are in for a lifetime of this shit! We don't let our 2 year old away without saying thank you!

The parents should be reminding the children to remember their manners.

I wouldn’t think twice about saying something if it were my nieces. “It’s rude to ask”, or in response to being asked if there was money in the card I’d tell them that they were being rude expecting money as well as an expensive present.

My girls are 5 and 9, and if they behaved like this there would be no presents. They grow up with everything they could need, so don't always understand the cost of things, but are very aware to say please, thank you, would never ask anyone but us for anything.
They need a lesson in gratitude 'ask doesn't get'.

I do find manners among children, particularly very well off ones, seem to have deteriorated. I run a girl guides group and some are very demanding and look shocked when I suggest to them that they might need to wait for something, or share. or they can't have exactly their own way. They aren't intentionally unkind or entitled, but have clearly been brought up with a very different set of expectations , we take them away for a couple of nights a few times a year, and they have to help with basic chores, share, take turns etc, and by the end of the weekend there is a clear positive behaviour shift, it just takes clear boundaries.

I’d stop buying them things as they clearly don’t appreciate it. I’ve got nieces and nephews ranging from ten to twenty one and none of them have ever said things like ‘is there any money in the card’. They have always all said thank you.

Yours seem to have started to associate you with presents rather than seeing you as a person. Their parents are to blame.

It’s the parents, the kids don’t know any better because they haven’t been taught to say thank you and not to take gifts for granted.

Children that age are really the product of the parenting they've received when it comes to stuff like this. So in that sense, it's not their 'fault', however I appreciate that doesn't make them more appealing to be around when they behave that way. It's totally normal to be put off by this kind of behaviour though and just because they're your nieces doesn't change that. That's why it's a failing on their parents, their kid's behaviour will put off their mates parents and eventually their mates off them. They've done them a disservice sadly.

Yes, this is what I wonder as well - it makes me wonder how I am spoken about behind the scenes.

FWIW I do pull them up on it, but it doesn't make much difference. I have lately mentioned it to my sister and she occasionally tells them now to say thank you but she isn't very convincing and the behaviour is well established now. It has to have come from somewhere.

I do feel as though I am not a person to them and it's quite sad. I just wasn't sure it was legitimate to feel that way or something I should be able to rise above as I am the adult here.

It's VERY rude not to say thank you.

Next time I'd sponsor a donkey on her behalf or just give a card.

If your sister asks why then state that as she didn't seem to like the gifts in precious years as she didn't say thank you, you didn't see the point of buying her something she clearly didn't want.

Sister and BIL are the ones at fault here.

I'm actually not sure they are like this to everyone. They seem to see me as someone to buy them stuff but I don't know whether they are the same to others.

Yes, i was wondering whether it had to do with being part of the 'instant gratification' generation but from the responses on here it seems I am clutching at straws with that idea.

"I want doesn't get"

Next birthday/christmas make a donation in their name to a children's charity. And tell them their lack of genuine gratitude clearly means they want for nothing, so isn't it nice to give to those who have less?

Ugh our nephews are like this. We bought one of them a very expensive Christmas present (big noisy car related) a couple of years ago, he tore it open, looked at it briefly, then asked what else we had for him. SIL barely noticed, and since then we have purchased much smaller gifts for them as they are rude and ungrateful. Huge parenting fail.

This is exactly the kind of thing I am experiencing. This thread at least is making me feel less weird for thinking it's unacceptable.

Their birthdays are over for the year so I am thinking no more gifts / treats until Christmas now.

This is a parenting issue, I honestly don’t think it’s the norm at all. Most children tend to be very appreciative of gifts, whether they already have lots of things or not.

My DD has a cousin like that. She’s an only child and also only grandchild on her father’s side and was so spoiled she was just an unpleasant child to be around. Maybe she grew out of it by now (we’ve moved away so hardly see them) but the fault was squarely on the parents.

This is so rude, parents need to install the pleases & thank yous. My son always did this & I ensured he wrote thank you notes as I feel this makes the child revisit & remember who bought them what. It's just good manners!

I'm actually quite surprised by the overwhelming consensus on this thread. It's a relief in a way but also I am surprised by the extent to which I have allowed it. It has crept up I think.

This was my friends kid

Spoilt rotten as he was her first and the first grandchild

I once gave him a birthday present,he unwrapped it,gave me a filthy look,sneared at me and said snarled 'That's it?nothing else?' before throwing it in the massive pile of other presents

His mother ignored him and the rest of the family didn't give a fuck-they thought it was funny

It realy ramped up once he had cousins and sisters to contend with-he was even more spoilt to make up for the fact he wasn't the first anymore

One of his cousins was even worse-she was really bad mannered and even more spoilt-she's still a nasty brat as an adult

He's now 25 and can't hold down a job because of his attitude and bad manners

I lost interest in the friendship a few years ago because of him and his spolit sisters-the mother had the nerve to have a go at me every single time one of mine didn't come up to her high standards but was incapable of doing the same with her own kids-my own kids had to come first,so I moved away

Do they see you very often? I find that children often end up associating certain relatives with gifts because it is the only time that they visit. It doesn't make it excusable at all and the parents are at fault, but I can see how children that have a distant relationship with a relative that only visits at gift-giving occasions may develop that association and obviously not be too fussed/excited to see the relative that they do not know well. It doesn't make it right.

My 2.5 year old knows when to say please and thank you without prompt. These are just spoiled and rude kids unfortunately let down by their parents. Parents have to set the example