Entitled kids - what do I need to understand?

[OudAndRose]

For context, I am childfree so not always sure what normal expectations are for kids because I have limited frame of reference.

I have two nieces by my sister, age 6 and 9. They are the only kids in the family and get lots of attention and spoiling (but nothing excessive) as a result. In the last year or so they have become really entitled imo. They never say thank you for gifts, treats, trips out or effort made for them, and they will openly ask for things they want from me and other family members. Last weekend I went over for the 9 yo's birthday and took gifts and cupcakes for her, and she didn't say thank you, even after prompting. She asked for her present as soon as she saw me and then didn't engage after that. At Christmas I gave her little sister a gift worth about £50 and a card. She opened the gift and then asked me if there was money inside the card (there wasn't!). Other times I have seen them recently they always ask me for things - treats, toys that they see and want - and at the same time are quite dismissive of me.

There are lots of little behaviours like this and it's really putting me off spending time with them, but I feel like as an adult I should rise above it because they can't be expected to know better - just wondering if others would agree, or expect more of them? None of my friends' kids behave like this - they aren't angels but they are always grateful for any gifts, treats etc., and if they aren't their parents are mortified, whereas my sister and BIL never really notice or pull my nieces up on this.

YABU - all kids do this kind of thing at some point, don't overthink it
YANBU - it's rude and not the norm

^ this, exactly.

Sadly I think this might be the right advice.

If you’re an involved and engaged aunt, and developing your own relationship with your nieces, it’d be perfectly ok to start to talk to them about this. Do it in terms of your relationship with them, and giving them auntly advice about how they treat you. Gently and age appropriately, of course.

I would be really mad if my children behaved this way and I would take away the gifts and ban them for a long time. Your sister doesn't respect you and now her children don't either. I would stop the presents.

My autistic boy always says thank you for everything (sometimes 4 times) because that's what he's been taught. He is very greatful if somebody gifts him something because he's not spoilt rotten.

I wouldn't bring them gifts anymore (or maybe a small tube of sweets or something if that's allowed). They behave like that because deep down they don't really care about or want more stuff. But if you want to have a relationship with them, suggest a game or craft session. Or if that not your thing, play IT in the garden or take them to the swings. Then when you arrive they will be clamouring for that instead. Kids are very simple creatures really. They love people who play games with them or give them attention. My girls love my sister. She doesn't buy them gifts when she comes but shows an interest in their lives and is warm and loving.

Honestly, I have always done all these things. It hasn't prevented this behaviour emerging in the last year or so.

I think all kids ask for things, just respond with "you'll need to put that on your Christmas list", "that's one for mum and dad" or "maybe when you're 18" depending on what the thing is.

My kids still need prompting to say thank you, buy I don't let go of whatever I am handing over until they say it. Keep prompting, they'll get there.

Do the parents send a thank you card/text after you've seen them? "Thanks again for X, DD really likes it [insert photo]"?

Agree.

My nieces are like this. They are in their early 20s now and never say thank you.

their mum has always tutted and rolled her eyes and said “let kids be kids. They can’t be bothered writing thank you letters.”

except they are now adults in their 20s with mobile phones and can’t take the time to type out a “thanks” message.

I’ve had enough. The younger of them will be turning 22 next week and I won’t be bothering. Usually give cash but I’ve had enough now.

I do feel like their mother has really failed them, but they are old enough now to know better and do better and they don’t. Very sad.

This sounds like a problem with the parents. They should be teaching their daughters to behave better than this. While children act somewhat like this at certain ages, it's up to the parents to correct them.

if you bother to visit around the next birthday, if she asks about gifts /money, just say you didn't bother because she never says thank you.
If she can't be bothered to say thank you, perfectly reasonable to assume she didn't want the gifts.

I think this behaviour is normal-ish - most kids are self-centered and not always considerate - but what's not normal is the parents not acting on it. I think all kids behave occasionally like this but if the parents teach them what's acceptable and what isn't, they'll learn. If the parents don't, they won't.

I also think it's perfectly acceptable for you to point out their behaviour.

"if the gift I gave you isn't enough I'm happy to take it back"
"it's rude to ask"

Honestly I'd remove the gift and say that we can try again when they are ready to be more polite. The parents will probably kick off though.

Does your sister say thank you if you give her things? Is so then just buy her a gift instead of the children.

Shit parents- that’s what it all comes down to. My kids know that the present will be given back right then and there if there is behaviour like this. I cannot stand children like this.

They are rude and entitled. My ds's (young adults now) have a childfree aunt who has always been very involved with them and at times, treated them the things that we could not afford to. They have always been appreciative of her and the things she does for them. DH and I always make a point of thanking her, too. Your nieces have obviously not been taught basic good manners and it is sad for them as it is very unattractive; their parents have let them down in this respect.