To think that if you keep getting into toxic relationships, maybe you’re the common denominator?

[ByMauveLion]

It’s not “bad luck” if you keep picking the same type of person over and over again.

Maybe abusive narcissists being able to identify vulnerability.

I suspect that there's a story here OP. Are you willing to share?

I would say No to your question. We <should> learn from our experiences & as adults we make decisions.& not 'bad luck'.

I agree Op

Your response seems to contradict itself - you say no to my question, but then you acknowledge that we should learn from our experiences and that it’s not just bad luck. That’s exactly my point!

YABU , predators are able to check their victims out, the relationship rarely starts out as toxic. Initially they seem wonderful, the toxic stuff starts slowly and before you know it you are in trouble.

Abusers identify vulnerable people and are super nice to them to begin with. Once they have reeled the new partner in, their behaviour starts to change. It takes a lot of work, insight and self belief for a vulnerable person to see what is happening, and walk away.

Nah. I've been married twice. Waited a LONG time before the second, because I was so hyper aware of the dangers.

Frankly, it was the absolute best relationship in the world until it wasn't. I struggle still to reconcile the abuser he became with the wonderful man I married. And that's with my eyes wide open.

(I won't be married thrice.)

People have some agency in who they are drawn to. It isn’t all about abusers picking vulnerable people. Some people gravitate towards a certain type of person because it’s all they’ve known. Sometimes they aren’t even aware they are drawn to certain types. Some people always go for the bad boy type.

Do you have any thoughts on abusers and their behaviour @ByMauveLion ?

I think women who were raised to tolerate abuse tend to tolerate it as adults. Women who get stuck in abusive relationships tend to have low self-esteem. The shame is still with those who take advantage of that, of course. I think it’s important to remember that.

I don’t think it’s that simple.

Yes you’re right in the sense that if it keeps happening to you, you haven’t learned to recognise the tell-tale flags abusive people giveaway until you’re too far in to extricate yourself easily. However, that makes someone ‘guilty’ of nothing more than leaving themselves vulnerable.

Often that vulnerability is a product of childhood trauma/norms that actively makes it much more difficult for them (as opposed to those in healthy relationships) to recognise red flags or learn how to ‘target harden’ themselves. Furthermore, some abusive types are extremely good at hiding their true colours for a long time while they skilfully groom their victims. And in addition to that, society reinforces messages that normalise abusive behaviour (consider the rom coms where someone effectively stalks the love interest and they all live happily after) and encourages people to put up with it (talking about broken homes, etc, little support for people fleeing DV).

Ultimately, vulnerability isn’t a crime. Abuse is. Let’s lay the blame where it belongs. However, you’re right that it would massively benefit current and future victims if we had a large scale educational campaign about what abuse looks like. Trouble is, an awful lot of people really don’t want that to happen.

Some people are codependents and if they dint learn their leason they will always gravitate back to the same type.
Great videos on this by Alan Botton on Youtube.

Of course, abusers are fully responsible for their actions. But my post is more about patterns - if someone repeatedly finds themselves in toxic relationships, it might be worth reflecting on why and what can be changed to avoid it happening again. Recognising red flags and setting boundaries can make a big difference.

Of course - but that’s not take away from the fact that people shouldn’t abuse?

I thought it was very commonly know that people tend to get into toxic relationships due to childhood trauma / early experiences - which then are mirrored / played out in their current relationships - whether sexual ones or platonic.
We recreate our wounds so we can learn and heal from them, it’s just some people don’t do that.

Narcissists can spot vulnerable people, it isn’t the vulnerable persons fault.

You are being very naive @ByMauveLion

It is far more complex that you are trying to suggest.

I tend to agree with this. I do believe there are some exceptions and maybe there are just some really unlucky naive people in the world.

I watched my mum go through 3 violent relationships. The first two I was quite young so didn’t understand but by the third, I watched her provoke and press their buttons until they snapped. I don’t think she was always in the wrong (and at the end of the day she did suffer a lot) but she definitely contributed.

Yes, that may be true.
If you are someone with low self esteem, someone vulnerable, with past trauma for example, abusive people may well be able to spot you a mile off and exploit your vulnerability. Because they are foul people who enjoy doing that.

No, perhaps the person has vulnerabilities that lead them to attract the same predatory type over and over

It works both ways- some people have radars for vulnerable people and some people are attracted to toxic people. I don’t want to victim blame but it’s definitely worth doing something like the Freedom Programme if you find yourself in that pattern so that you can learn about yourself and what to look out for in future.

How long were you together before the change?

I do think people sometimes forget that when people change in life it’s not always for the better. I think some folk want to believe that abusers always come with red flags from the start, because the alternative - that your kind, loving partner could one day turn into a monster - is truly terrifying.

I think the key part of that posters comment was the <should>

Its hardly an uncommon theory!
In fact its what my dad used to say to my mum before hitting her. "See, you made hit you, and now you make me do it too!
Its why women stay. They get told its them and they believe it.