To think that if you keep getting into toxic relationships, maybe you’re the common denominator?

[ByMauveLion]

It’s not “bad luck” if you keep picking the same type of person over and over again.

I do think there are strong women & vulnerable women and I think abusive men or those with narcissistic traits are able to spot the ones they want (the vulnerable ones). The vulnerable ones are typically low self esteem and tend to get with abusive men ime.

Sometimes the dynamic is toxic, rather than the individuals. I’ve seen someone poke and poke and poke to get a reaction, as they didn’t have other strategies to seek attention. I’ve seen people lash out because they have no other strategy to deal with someone provoking them.

People with badly matched strategies are a bin fire.

I don’t agree actually. Often maybe, but some men seek out strong women and twist and break them.

Yes. Of course you are right. Some women will find themselves constantly in relationships with abusers. Because theyve had experiences in childhood which normalise them along with a plethora of other reasons. Trauma is damaging for life if untreated. And treatment is expensive.

some women often find themselves with an abuser who they find less abusive than the less abuser so they thibk it is better.

this is why on mumsnet women in absuive relationships are always told to do the freedom programme and stay single until they have healed. Sadly, often they dont as they think lovebombing is a sign of love and not abuse.

The person doing the poking and the person reacting with violence are both abusive though

Much harder for them though with strong women. Most go for low self esteem so they can get the complete adoration they need. The strong women I know pose too much of a problem for such men! But yes, there will be ones that want to break the strong & see this as a challenge.

Nope. Listen up armchair psychologist.

Go and do some serious work on trauma; abuse; dysfunctional families; bullying in schools and the workplace;
Add to that accidents, wars, assaults, natural disasters, etc etc etc then come back and ask that question again.

i thinks it's oversimplifying it to say it's one thing.

Some people seem to constantly end up as victims. Is this because the partners are actively seeking vulnerable people? Or do they only go for people with controlling or abusive personalities? Or do they only know how to react to situations as the victim, and they keep going until they cause a reaction they are familiar with from an otherwise "normal" partner. Or are they very good at playing the victim, but are actually very manipulative and controlling themselves?

No shit Sherlock.

This is such a weird post. I don’t even know where to start with contributing to the conversation so Ill just ask - do you not understand why people might not have the foresight and agency to know what’s going to happen in their next relationship. Really, not at all?!

Yes. And if you take it out of the realm of sexual/romantic relationships and onto friendships, if someone is continually surrounded by exploitative ‘cheeky fuckers’, it’s not coincidence.

So traumatized people lack all agency do they?
It's they who need to do the work, not the people who clearly see the patterns and point out that yes... people who continually become embroiled in destructive relationships are the problem. If you pick useless partners or friends you have to look at yourself and work out what you are doing wrong. If you can't work it out, stop dating. Or else you are condemned to being a victim all your life and the only person who can take steps to change that is you.

I think, as a holistic observation, this is fairly obvious.

actually recognising it, working on it and abstaining from relationships until you’re “cured” is obviously the part people can’t do.

because they’re traumatised, because they were poorly raised, because they are mentally ill, because they are neuro diverse, because they are disabled, because they are addicted. Many, many very valid reasons why people can’t do this.

Did a man write this 🫠

Yeah, I would agree.

If a person consistently finds themselves in toxic relationships, there is something going wrong with their choices. Maybe just being attracted to the wrong things, or not recognizing tossers, but I would say that person would be well advised to spend some time really unpacking what the issue is.

In a lot of cases, it's been my experience that people who consistently get into toxic relationships have significant issues of their own and are drawn into codependency because it allows them to continue in very unhealthy behaviours. Or in some cases they themselves are the ones who are deeply toxic.

You'd think it would be obvious, but look at some of the posts in response.

I agree OP.

toxic relationships can make people believe that they are not worth more and so people can be easier to spot and take advantage of.

it’s a little like once you have been a victim of fraud you are more likely to be a victim again

Well yes, it certainly is worth reflecting on why, but many of the women who are 'the common denominator' in toxic relationships probably have derp-seated reasons why they fail to recognise red flags. Reasons which maybe aren't so easy to just shake off.

This post made me wince a little. I don't like dividing women into 'strong' and vulnerable, or whatever you think the opposite is.

Plenty of women with great self-esteem have ended up in abusive relationships. That's the problem, it can happen so slowly and gradually. No one is immune really.

I am thinking of a particular woman I know. Her self-esteem was fine. She was not vulnerable. I mean, her self-esteem suffered after years of abuse, but that was not a problem before. Actually, she is the strongest woman I know.

I think even the answers that disagree with the OP, prove the point to some extent.

Narcissists go after the vulnerable most responses say, so the common denominator is the vulnerability that multiple 'narcissists' exploit. And we know that people follow familiar patterns, and that pattern is yours until you've resolved it or given up dating completely.

I’m talking generally and I do think abusive/narcissistic men can spot a vulnerable’supply’ woman that they can manipulate and these women tend to attract these types of men. Yes, there will always be an exception to the rule. My poor sister was vulnerable in that she put men on a pedestal and higher than herself and it showed in the way she got treated. She had very poor self worth and so this put her in a dangerous position. I know strong women that have been broken but most strong women I know are just that and it shows in how they allow themselves to be treated.

My DCousin, who I love very much, continually enters relationships with big, dominant cavemen types and each and every one of them has been a disaster. She absolutely doesn't deserve to be abused (no one does) but now instead of sympathising and validating as much I direct her to the Women's Aid programmes about recognising red flags. Her entire type is a red flag.

maybe its unavoidable as there are so many of them out there

I think you have a point but could have been worded more tactfully. There is a reason vulnerable women are often encouraged to do the freedom programme. I know they also encourage men who are perpetrators of DV too and it covers both sides but the reality is, vulnerable women often don’t know identify red flags adequately, or worse, they do but will ignore them/ minimise them. Abusive men will target vulnerable women. It’s a cycle and a really tough one to break!

I think this applies to a wider scope of “toxic” relationships than just those with DV but wanted to use the above as an example to highlight my point.