To think that if you keep getting into toxic relationships, maybe you’re the common denominator?

[ByMauveLion]

It’s not “bad luck” if you keep picking the same type of person over and over again.

The phrase 'common denominator' is usually used to imply that the person concerned is the one at fault. That's unfair.

Successive abusive relationships can be because of a childhood of abuse - the first adult at least appeared to like the victim some of the time, for example, the next one might have been a lovebomber and controlling through emotional blackmail rather than through violence, the next a complete victim painting themselves as the abused one, another a rescuer turned jailer, for example. At no point is that ever the fault of the victim.

If anything, blame the parents who set the narrative for life so that none of these ever seemed quite as bad as them.

I can see what you are saying OP.

My DP was in an abusive relationship. He really is Mr Nice Guy. His wife was violent towards him.

His adult DC’s, although not violent, also take advantage of him, playing on his niceness.

I don't think "common denominator" does imply fault. People often confuse cause with being at fault, and that's a mistake and stops people from seeing where they are making mistakes clearly.

I'd also say that toxic relationships aren't always about an abuser taking advantage of a victim. A lot of the time it is about two people with problems who make each others problems worse, or who are using each other in some way.

In my work I see a lot of people with serious drug addiction, and many toxic relationships. Some are women hooked up with dealers and pimps whoa re certainly abusers - in some cases the women know this and could leave but put up with it because of the access to drugs - it's the drugs which hold them there rather than a threat from the men who could replace her easily enough.

But there are also plenty of instances where they are both addicts, and they are better able to pursue their addiction together rather than alone. Some seem to hate each other, while others have real affection, but ultimately they are together because a non-addict would not put up with the lifestyle and drug seeking, and they take care of each other when they are using.

None of that makes for a healthy relationship, even apart from the drugs though, there is a lot of drama and even violence that comes out of the drugs and self-hatred involved in being an addict, and that gets focused into the relationship.

I think you can get similar, though usually less extreme, dynamics between couples who have other issues besides addiction, too.

Yes and no.

It's not simple bad luck and work can be done to change patterns.

But it's not just that people in abusive relationships are bad at choosing. Some factors which influence this include:

• Many suffered childhood abuse and don't know how to identify a healthy relationship. Abusive behaviour is the closest thing to love they know. Possessive and controlling behaviour can be misidentified as a protectiveness and care, which you're going to want after being hurt.
• Once you've been abused once, your self-esteem is low and you may feel desperate to be shown love. It's easier to be reeled in by the next abuser, and the deep desire to be cared about means you might ignore red flags.
• The low self-esteem also means that when the relationship starts to become abusive, you're easily convinced that it's your fault. The more times it happens the more you come to believe that that is all you are worth.
• The underlying vulnerabilities which led to the first abusive relationship might well still be there.
• Abusive people are very good at spotting vulnerable people and targeting them.

There's also a very small number of people who are extremely high conflict, seek out other high conflict people, and have toxic relationships then claim they've been abused when actually it went both ways. These people are a very small minority and do not represent most people in abusive relationships.

Yes I agree - but on the basis that abusers always claim to have “psycho exes”. And I think they are the common denominator. Nobody ever admits to being the perpetrator do they!