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AIBU?

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Original poster

My ex is a cunt. If I write to his solicitor will it cost him?

80 replies

1664Ex · 23/03/2025 16:24

The consent order says he has to cover half of uniform and associated education costs when agreed in advance. So he won’t agree anything in advance.

He wrote, via his solicitor that he would cover a single big uniform bill - she said she had told him to do it because it was the “right thing” but that he doesn’t technically have to pay. And so he didn’t pay. But she charged him for the letter.

So, currently he is ignoring everything. Even if I ask in advance. Just total no contact - the last time he was in contact it was to tell me that he would contact the police as my emails which are no more than every 2 months or so, and are entirely related to the kids, is harassment!😂

So if I write to his solicitor, will she charge him? Or can he just tell her to shred it and carry on ignoring?

[ Background info is he is a hugely well paid director of a public company. He pays at CMS rates and not a penny more. He won’t see the kids apart from on school holidays unless I drive them, or find a cab. They are all disabled, full EHCP and all senior school age. ]

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:02

Bearbookagainandagain · 23/03/2025 19:56

Despite everything you're saying about the court order, his solicitor is advising he doesn't owe the money.

So you need to dig deeper there because the solicitor wouldn't say this unless it was justified.

She said that he only owed half if he had agreed in advance, but he refuses everything. She also said that “agreement will not be unreasonably withheld” but it’s for me to prove what is unreasonable. School uniform/kit/shoes/therapy are not unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:03

She also wrote in his behalf saying that he should pay half for the uniform because it was the right thing to do. He didn’t, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:04

yourelikereallypretty · 23/03/2025 19:45

He pays cms. Get over it

You’ll be astounded to hear that further investigation meant that he had forgotten to mention a fuck off sized bonus and pay rise which bumped up his liability.

OP posts:
Shitshower · 23/03/2025 20:05

TBH my ex is similar. He ignores all correspondence as he “doesn’t want to read/listen to me whinging about things that aren’t important, only about the children” but anything I contact about is to do with the children.

Anyway, I did write to his solicitor when he had one and he instructed him not to answer anything from me! So it’s generally a very dead end unfortunately.

McQueensMuse · 23/03/2025 20:06

yourelikereallypretty · 23/03/2025 19:45

He pays cms. Get over it

What a very appropriate username Regina!

Bailamosse · 23/03/2025 20:08

Does he pay you the same rate as CMS but through consent order, or has he gone to the CMS since the consent order was written up? If he isn’t going through CMS currently, then as long as it CO has been in place for at least 366 days, if he lodges a claim with them, the whole child maintenance portion of the CO is invalidated.

Costs to be agreed in advance is a known loophole; if they don’t agree, they don’t have to pay costs. He won’t be charged by his solicitor for a letter, unless he instructs them to reply.

Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:14

Originally via consent order he was to pay on CMS rates and then I filed a CMS claim after him messing me about and he had undeclared. So now we are via CMS which he loathes but pays on time. He will not pay a penny more for anything, consent order or otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:15

Bailamosse · 23/03/2025 20:08

Does he pay you the same rate as CMS but through consent order, or has he gone to the CMS since the consent order was written up? If he isn’t going through CMS currently, then as long as it CO has been in place for at least 366 days, if he lodges a claim with them, the whole child maintenance portion of the CO is invalidated.

Costs to be agreed in advance is a known loophole; if they don’t agree, they don’t have to pay costs. He won’t be charged by his solicitor for a letter, unless he instructs them to reply.

Edited

The known loophole - we went to court and the consent order was written up in the presence of counsel - yet I’m shafted.

OP posts:
Bailamosse · 23/03/2025 20:16

If you went to the CMS, then the child maintenance and costs portion of the consent order is no longer valid.

Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:18

The child maintenance bit yes but the business about him covering their medical bills for example isn’t negated by CMS.

I suppose I could ask for a reconsideration and let them dig into his financial affairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:19

Legally, what can I do?

OP posts:
Bailamosse · 23/03/2025 20:19

He won’t have to pay any more than the CMS maximum, and the court has no power to increase (or decrease) child maintenance once it’s been transferred to the CMS.

paintedpotoflove · 23/03/2025 20:25

op you have patience of a saint.

youre a better woman than me. I’d have resorted to more than a lawyers letter.

Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:25

I don’t want more CMS. I want him to pay his half of what’s agreed.

OP posts:
MoominMai · 23/03/2025 20:25

Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have no words for the behaviour of your ex. However, it appears to me that the CO is wholly defunct as it’s now overridden by CMS. Do you regularly request an earnings review? Seems to me that’s about all you can do. Also, are there any family members who can put pressure on him to do the right thing by his own children?

Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:25

paintedpotoflove · 23/03/2025 20:25

op you have patience of a saint.

youre a better woman than me. I’d have resorted to more than a lawyers letter.

Like what? I’m listening very hard…

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:27

MoominMai · 23/03/2025 20:25

Firstly I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have no words for the behaviour of your ex. However, it appears to me that the CO is wholly defunct as it’s now overridden by CMS. Do you regularly request an earnings review? Seems to me that’s about all you can do. Also, are there any family members who can put pressure on him to do the right thing by his own children?

I thought about contacting a relative of his, but then back we go to the harassment issue. He would go bananas. His reputation is everything to him, and he hides his appalling behaviour very well. I feel like I’m complicit somehow by not hanging his arse out to dry.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 23/03/2025 20:34

Honestly, legally OP, nothing you can do. As has already been said by going to CMS the CO is irrelevant and the “agreed in advance” is a well known loop hole because all you have to do is not agree & then you don’t have to pay.

All you can do is request annual earnings reviews to ensure the amount you get is up to date but you’re in the same position as most parents now whereby you get CMS but that is all.

Step back from thoughts of sending letters to his work and contacting his family etc, he’s fucked you over enough, don’t give him a nice easy way to bring harassment charges because that’s exactly what he will do and you’d be making it very easy for him to do that if you go through with these plans of messaging family etc. This is between you & him, keep it that way.

MoominMai · 23/03/2025 20:35

1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:27

I thought about contacting a relative of his, but then back we go to the harassment issue. He would go bananas. His reputation is everything to him, and he hides his appalling behaviour very well. I feel like I’m complicit somehow by not hanging his arse out to dry.

Show quote history

I think if I were you I would liaise a final time through the solicitor and advise him that by not honouring his original agreement to contribute to the children’s additional needs that’s he’s put you in an impossible situation and that to safeguard the needs of the children, you will be seeking support from X relative/s. I mean it’s hardly harassment from you if the relative/s then tries to bring him to his senses. Hopefully that may be enough to shame him into complying. His reputation is the only leverage you have so definitely utilise it.

MummyChocolateMonster · 23/03/2025 20:40

So, 2 things:

firstly she might not charge him. Presumably the retainer is at an end. She’ll likely forward it and ask if he wishes to instruct her to deal and he’ll probably say No.

secondly, did you have a solicitor? It sounds like the trouble with this order is that it says that he only has to pay for the uniform etc if agreed in advance. All he has to do is not agree in advance and he’s doing nothing wrong (legally) in not paying. What the order SHOULD have done is detailed a mechanism to agree - eg you make a request, he agrees within x days, you buy it, he reimburses his share within x days. Crucially on the agreement point it would and should usually say “such agreement not to be unreasonably withheld”. If it says something like that, then you may well be able to show he’s unreasonably withholding agreement to get out of paying. Without that provision it sounds like there’s a loophole that he’s using.

Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:46

How do I enforce “agreement will not be unreasonably withheld”?

OP posts:
Original poster
1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:47

MummyChocolateMonster · 23/03/2025 20:40

So, 2 things:

firstly she might not charge him. Presumably the retainer is at an end. She’ll likely forward it and ask if he wishes to instruct her to deal and he’ll probably say No.

secondly, did you have a solicitor? It sounds like the trouble with this order is that it says that he only has to pay for the uniform etc if agreed in advance. All he has to do is not agree in advance and he’s doing nothing wrong (legally) in not paying. What the order SHOULD have done is detailed a mechanism to agree - eg you make a request, he agrees within x days, you buy it, he reimburses his share within x days. Crucially on the agreement point it would and should usually say “such agreement not to be unreasonably withheld”. If it says something like that, then you may well be able to show he’s unreasonably withholding agreement to get out of paying. Without that provision it sounds like there’s a loophole that he’s using.

I had a solicitor and barrister. Who should have checked the consent order?

OP posts:
AquaPeer · 23/03/2025 20:50

I don’t know why you’re being told that he will be charged by his solicitor everytime you send a letter. That’s not the case. If he hasn’t instructed them for further work they will simply forward your letter to him without comment

if he asks them to advise or reply they will, and they will charge him. But they can’t charge him for work he didn’t instruct, ie receiving your letters.

how would solicitors ever get people to pay their bill under this model?!? It wouldn’t work

KhakiShaker · 23/03/2025 21:03

Other than go back to court I’m not sure there is much you can do. My partner’s ex pays nothing towards their DC and there’s nothing we can do about it, so I understand the frustration and anger. My DP has given up asking, it just results in abuse. As a pp said, this is one of those situations where you are right…but there’s nothing you can do to enforce it.

His solicitor won’t charge him for receiving your letter.

MummyChocolateMonster · 23/03/2025 21:06

1664Ex · 23/03/2025 20:47

I had a solicitor and barrister. Who should have checked the consent order?

Show quote history

If you were at court, both. If you complained, it’d be through the solicitor as the solicitor employed the barrister. It might be that he refused anything different in the wording if it was by consent - they should be able to explain.