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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on this holiday?

74 replies

CombinedLadybug · 23/03/2025 15:35

NC for this because I know DH would be livid if he saw it. Basically, we’ve got a holiday booked for the summer, supposed to be a “big family trip” with DH’s side – PIL, BIL, SIL, their kids, the whole works. It was all decided ages ago, and at the time I just went along with it because DH was so keen, but now it’s getting closer, I am absolutely dreading it.

Firstly, it’s not my idea of a holiday. We’re all staying in one big villa (read: zero privacy) and MIL is already sending out lists of “things we should bring” like it’s a school trip. SIL is lovely but very intense, and their kids are wild. Ours are younger and still nap, but I just know that’s not going to be respected, and we’ll be the boring ones for trying to keep any kind of routine.

Also, and I know this will sound petty, but we are paying a lot for this. It’s not somewhere I’d have chosen, and I’d much rather have saved the money and done something just the four of us. But DH thinks it will be “lovely family time” (ha) and is totally ignoring my concerns.

AIBU to feel completely miserable about this? It’s too late to back out now, but I’m genuinely considering feigning illness the week before and sending DH and the kids without me. WWYD?

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 23/03/2025 20:01

I would also dread this sort of holiday but I wouldn’t have let it get this far. I would have shut it down when it was suggested.

Cattenberg · 23/03/2025 20:09

As for why I think I’ll be the one running around… past experience! DH just switches off when we’re around his family. He’s not usually like that at home, but the moment we’re in that dynamic, it’s like he’s 18 again and I’m suddenly the default parent. I’d love to step back and make him take over, but I guarantee if I try, it’ll be the kids who suffer, not him.

Make sure you tell him this before you go away. Hopefully, he’ll reassure you and remember to pull his weight on holiday. And if he doesn’t, you’ve got a good reason to never do this kind of holiday again.

Silentdream · 23/03/2025 20:16

Going on holiday with extended family just sounds awful to me. I’d never consider it under any circumstances. You should just have said no at the outset. I’d question how compatible you and DH are to have ended up in this situation. I just can’t imagine DH and I ever doing something like this to each other.

Echobelly · 23/03/2025 20:26

It sounds like you need to tell DH he is going to have actually be a dad and not just hang with family, and you want to make sure that you have some 'holiday' even if that 'holiday' is an afternoon nap without being disturbed.

Definitely plan to do some things as a family unit and set expectations with everyone else, in fact your DH should be the one setting expectation - 'We'll be having some time to ourselves on X days/evenings'

Tiswa · 23/03/2025 20:29

So you have a DH problem and you know it.
i think you need a very open and frank conversation about expectations of him when he is away and exactly how you will feel if he lets you down

Livelovebehappy · 23/03/2025 20:37

These types of holidays sound a nightmare on paper, but the reality is they work out pretty well. I’ve been on a couple of similar holidays, and it does give you a lot more freedom to do your own thing, and mix and match stuff up. Sometimes I’d stroll around the shops with mil and sil, whilst the men chilled at the Villa watching the kids, because men and kids generally don’t like shop browsing. One of the days my sil and bil took our dcs as well as their own to a water park. They loved water parks, and we weren’t as keen. But then we watched the kids on the odd night that they wanted to have a couple of hours child free time. It can, and does, work out if everyone is just chilled and accommodates what each other wants to do.

Horses7 · 23/03/2025 21:14

I think you’ll have to smile through gritted teeth and get on with it - might not be that bad once you get there. Think also of all the people who won’t get any holiday this year. Your kids will.

Redmat · 23/03/2025 21:22

Don't go thinking it will be a negative experience ,because if you look for negatives that's what you will see.
It could be great fun.

LSGXX · 23/03/2025 21:23

Speak to your husband and agree some boundaries. Eg your kids do stick with their nap routine - and that it your opportunity too, to have some downtime. That he will hold the line on this with his family.
Other than this though, put your best food forward and go and make some memories with/ for your kids.

Floralhousecoat · 23/03/2025 21:28

One week is a looooong time if you can only handle his family in tiny doses. I wouldn't have agreed to this sort of holiday, especially where dh has proven previously that he reverts to being a teenager in his parent's presence. I would not be gambling with my mental health for a week. I would have a very clear conversation with him about expectations, and make it clear I'd be prepared to leave partway if he didn't keep up his end of the bargain.

Goofy03 · 23/03/2025 21:35

Pulling a sickie would be very bad form. Your ILs probably know you don’t like them so it’ll be obvious it’s fake. And presume your very young kids would miss you for a week.

TheatreTraveller · 23/03/2025 21:42

You've committed now so you're stuck! It wouldn't be my choice either BUT you might as well try and be positive and make the best of it. Sometimes when you're dreading something it turns out to not be too bad.
At 5 and 2 on holiday I definitely wouldn't be even thinking about nap times or routines, just chill out, relax and go with the flow. Mine (Just turned 7 and 4) have been all over the world, we've never planned anything around a nap time on holiday. You might even find it easier to have extra adults around and their cousins to play with and entertain them.

ChinaChina · 23/03/2025 21:48

I wouldn’t go, my DH and his family have a long weekend like this every year and I never go. It’s the lack of my own space I can’t handle as well as the non stop talking to people.

AlisonDonut · 24/03/2025 09:15

Goofy03 · 23/03/2025 21:35

Pulling a sickie would be very bad form. Your ILs probably know you don’t like them so it’ll be obvious it’s fake. And presume your very young kids would miss you for a week.

I disagree. There are few good reasons to pull a sickie and a husband that doesn't listen, care or pull his weight is one of them.

MellowPinkDeer · 24/03/2025 09:22

It sounds absolutely horrific. It’s not a holiday if you have to go with the world and his wife and it’s also not a holiday in a villa , because you still have to do everything ( I know some people love villa holidays , I do not)!! It’s a firm no from me, but I would have said no from the outset and I think now, you’re probably too far gone. So make the best of it this time and never do it again!

Antonania · 24/03/2025 09:41

Yeah I wouldn't be looking forward to it either, but you have the best chance if you behave as if you think your vote has as much sway as anyone else's. Talk to your husband, explain your feelings, don't just assume he will be selfish and you will have to put up with that. Have a good think about what other adults can actually "make you" do.

A villa doesn't mean zero privacy, it means you go into your bedroom to get privacy. You have young children who perhaps get up very early and still nap. I'd be up with them in the morning, siesta-ing while they nap, maybe some early nights. That's 3 opportunities a day to give yourself some space from the communal group. You can be sociable while still carving time off for yourself to read, rest, whatever.

I have learned some of this from my much younger SIL. I felt obliged to do a lot of stuff when my two were tiny, then my SIL came alone and just said 'no' sometimes. The world didn't end. My parents were surprised and a bit miffed but they respected her boundaries, and they prob get on better with her these days than they do with me.

2chocolateoranges · 24/03/2025 09:45

Been there , done it, never ever ,ever again and dh knows how I feel.

i went once just to keep dh happy but never again, too many bosses, bil drinking for breakfast , we all had to spend every moment together, apart from sleeping , for me it was too micromanaged and controlling. A holiday for me should be relaxing.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 24/03/2025 09:52

However you get through it, the important thing is to be clear on your return that it was a bloody nightmare, you did not enjoy yourself and you are NEVER doing that again.

If you get pushback along the lines of “well I enjoyed it, the kids enjoyed it, everyone else enjoyed it, you never said anything….blah, blah, blah”, just be clear that you were keeping the peace but it was supposed to be your holiday too and you did not relax and you are NOT doing it again.

It’s often very difficult to get out of this sort of thing until you have tried it once but you do not need to go through it again. Think of this as a sort of “proof of concept experiment”. For the sake of one week, you are going to be able to prove that you do not enjoy this prolonged communal experience and you can preserve your holidays forever going forward

Hufdl · 24/03/2025 10:05

He wants special time with his family.
You want to protect your relationship with his family, which you do not believe will survive the trip.

This does not happen in healthy relationships.
Your husband is a bully who is hugely disrespectful of you by pushing your boundaries.

He wants a holiday where he does fxxk all.
He doesn't care about you at all.

Have an honest look at your relationship, because a good man wouldn't dream of doing this.

This is serious arsehole territory.
Let him go on his own with the children.
Joint money spdnd on this?
You should be very upset.

Your children around a pissed BIL by lunchtime, is not an environment that good parents would want for their children.

ThisBlueDreamer · 30/03/2025 04:21

Tough one. I wouldn't suggest lying and inventing an illness. Lies tend to come out and they don't usually go over well.

If it were me, I would go, but I would also mention that I wanted to spend some time with just my husband and tell them which days I plan on doing that so that your other family members can make plans for themselves.

Your other option is just to be upfront and honest and tell them that you would like to vacation this year with just your immediate family (you, your husband and children).

But I really don't recommend lying.

SunnySideDeepDown · 30/03/2025 04:25

You should have thought about that before you said yes then!

No good agreeing and then knocking everyone down now. What you’re saying about your family isn’t particularly kind.

SunnySideDeepDown · 30/03/2025 04:26

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 24/03/2025 09:52

However you get through it, the important thing is to be clear on your return that it was a bloody nightmare, you did not enjoy yourself and you are NEVER doing that again.

If my husband had that attitude about my family, I’d tell him to F off. That’s so rude!

JMSA · 30/03/2025 04:53

Yes, it would be unreasonable to send your husband and the kids, as that’s like saying it’s good enough for them but not for you!
I would just go and try to be positive. Make the best of it. You never have to go again if it’s actually as bad as you think it’s going to be.

RubyOrca · 30/03/2025 06:26

Your DH getting a holiday with his family is reasonable. If it was always focused on him and his family it would be different, but this is a completely reasonable thing.

Have a conversation before you go about your concerns and how you both will do your best for this to be enjoyable for all of you. Don’t let him ignore his children - he should be parenting them equally over the break. If it was overnight I’d say reasonable for you to do more so he could spend time with his family (as he should do more if you were with your family/friends) - but for a trip this long it’s equally on both of you. Although, taking the kids for a lie down can be a nice excuse to hide away yourself.

You also need to let go your dislike of his family a bit. You don’t like how his nibblings are raised, they might not agree with how you are raising your kids! You just have to accept that you’ll set rules for your kids and they’ll set rules for their kids. Don’t object to how they raise their kids, and hopefully they’ll be equally courteous to you. MIL will make her lists and plans etc - so if you have one of your own let them be known up front, and don’t object to lists/rules unless they’re actually problematic rather than annoying because you’d do it differently. Have a good friend you can complain to about it all and just let most of it slide past you.

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