To not want to go on this holiday?

[CombinedLadybug]

NC for this because I know DH would be livid if he saw it. Basically, we’ve got a holiday booked for the summer, supposed to be a “big family trip” with DH’s side – PIL, BIL, SIL, their kids, the whole works. It was all decided ages ago, and at the time I just went along with it because DH was so keen, but now it’s getting closer, I am absolutely dreading it.

Firstly, it’s not my idea of a holiday. We’re all staying in one big villa (read: zero privacy) and MIL is already sending out lists of “things we should bring” like it’s a school trip. SIL is lovely but very intense, and their kids are wild. Ours are younger and still nap, but I just know that’s not going to be respected, and we’ll be the boring ones for trying to keep any kind of routine.

Also, and I know this will sound petty, but we are paying a lot for this. It’s not somewhere I’d have chosen, and I’d much rather have saved the money and done something just the four of us. But DH thinks it will be “lovely family time” (ha) and is totally ignoring my concerns.

AIBU to feel completely miserable about this? It’s too late to back out now, but I’m genuinely considering feigning illness the week before and sending DH and the kids without me. WWYD?

I’d go and make the best of it
you'll be abroad - sun and sea surely?

Do you usually get on with everyone?

Agree with dh you have time with just him and your dc doing suitable stuff . Suggest they eat out some nights and you and dh have some quiet time in with the dc in bed.... Remember you paid for a holiday. Mil isn't the owner of your holiday.. She didn't pay for it. If you need dh to mention that then do so. Ignore her bloody lists. She will be insisting she holds all the passports I bet!! I went away with ils only the once....

I would suck it and see. We have great family memories from just this type of holiday. I'm very self contained and at times find people too much. But with family you can relax. Tell them straight. Right junior needs to nap? Can you lot go to the beach/walk/water park and we'll meet up later.

mil just wants you to have a good time, she's clearly excited...my mil is 94 and almost at bursting point because her sister in coming from the us in July!

What would I do? I’d go, and consider myself bloody lucky to have a holiday and extended family to spend time with.

I do this every year with my in laws. You just have to go with a positive attitude and enjoy it.

It sounds like my idea of hell but I think that if you went along with it when it was first suggested, then you're going to have to suck it up and go along.

Talk to your DH (or DP - on the app on my phone and can't see the op) before you go. Discuss your worries. Try to agree some ground rules that you are both happy with and that you will both stick to when you're there so that you are both on the same page and you feel that he has your back eg naps for your dc.

Try and have a couple of mornings where you go off and do your own thing. Just because the extended family are sharing a villa, it doesn't mean that you have to be stuck to each other like glue for the whole holiday.

I would never have agreed to it in the first place but, at this stage, you're stuck with it, I'm afraid

I sympathise OP because a big group holiday would be my absolute holiday from hell. I can’t imagine anything worse.

But you’ve booked and paid now so it’s way past the time to raise it as an issue - that would have been before it was even booked

I think the only way to deal with it is to insist you have family time alone with your DH and DC - maybe do a couple of day trips and a few evenings out away from the extended group.

Absolutely this^

I mean, I want to have that attitude, but I just can’t shake the feeling it’s going to be more stress than it’s worth. Sun and sea, yes, but also MIL micromanaging everything and BIL getting sloshed by lunchtime while we all run around after the kids.

I mostly get on with everyone, but in small doses. A whole week in close quarters feels like a lot. I know DH will just slot back into “golden boy” mode and leave me to do all the actual parenting while he sits around chatting with his dad. I’m bracing myself for it being less of a holiday and more of a test of endurance.

It wouldn’t be my cup of tea either.

But it’s booked now so you need to make the best of it. Set your own boundaries. Make your own plans. Make the holiday work for you too. This includes an honest conversation with your DH about what you expect him to help with etc.

Give it a chance OP. You don't need to ever do it again if it's a disaster!

I would go and make the best of it.

But I would have a conversation with DH along the lines "I am a bit concerned you will just want to chill with your family and all the day-to-day parenting/bedtimes is going to be left to me. I want to have a nice time with your family too, so you need to do your share of the mundane stuff too".

If you go, and it's a nightmare and you do get left to pick up the pieces, then you have some comeback and grounds for not going again.

With regards to what MIL is asking, just pass on the requests to DH and say, "don't forget to sort this out". He needs to be doing his share of the pre- organisation. Yours is getting the kids packed, that's a job in itself sometimes.

Go, and make the best of it.

But get DH to promise that he will put your kids' needs first and support you. And tht you will do things on your own.

You really don't have to do everything en masse.

You can say 'Off to the beach with bucket and spade, so that the little ones can make castles see you in 2 hours' and 'why don't you take the older ones to the water park - you won't need to worry about us holding you back' 'shall we take the kids to teeny-weeny playworld while you take the older ones ziplining' etc.

And if DH doesn't co-operate just take off yourself - walking, shopping, coffee and leave the kids with him.

Nose in book. 'Ask your Dad' on repeat.

We do this every second year and we all Grandparents, Parents and Grandkids do enjoy it (or at least make a very good job of appearing to)

However, we generally do our own thing during the day and meet up for the evening, with the different couples taking turns to make dinner and one night being a takeaway or eating out in a restaurant

It gives us all time to ourselves and the majority of days we don't have to worry about dinner, as its someone else's turn

Also it's nice in the evening to chill out with other adults, a glass of wine and talk about your various days

I'd give it a try once anyway before dissing it - and if it doesn't work, as others have said it's your excuse for not repeating it

Ahh so this is a husband problem and not the holiday or rest of the family. It’s not a break for you ( never really is when you have kids) but you know it’ll be even worse because he won’t lift a finger. This is the issue to discuss with your partner before you leave.

The rest of the stuff you mention wouldn’t really bother me, people are different, let them have the holiday they want and you can’t get worked up over someone trying to micromanage you if you allow it. Just be firm but polite. “ no thank you” works well.

Always bemuses me that adults get to this age without being able to communicate their wants and needs effectively, it creates problems everywhere. Use your words

You need to tell your DH “your turn to look after the DC whilst I sit around and relax”.

I would also have that discussion with him now that you are not his sister and he needs to share the parenting equally as a minimum whilst
you are away and deal with his family.

Set expectations with DH in advance and if they’re not met, use them as your justification not to go again when it’s suggested in the future…

I wouldn't have liked this, with any of the in-laws or quasi-in-laws I have had - and some of them were fine in small doses.

But more worrying long term is your husband's attitude - I get the impression he has steam-rollered you into this and not listened to your concerns. Does he have domineering traits generally? Are you generally happy with him? That's the important thing - you can endure a less than ideal week, if things are generally fine at home, but if not it's a bigger issue.

This is the actual problem.... So don't let it be. Firstly she really clear with DH about expectations around equitable kiddy wrangling whilst away before you depart. Secondly bloody well reinforce this whilst away. And importantly not in tense whispered conversations after hours but openly. "Dh can you need to come and help with dinner now", "DH it's your morning to play with the children/put them down for a nap/watch them so they don't drown"...If you meet any "but I'm just chatting to daddy" or "but can't you" or "dad needs me to...." It's tinkly laugh and "don't be silly darling, your father is an adult and can easily cope with xyz on his own, your children are children and need ABC and I am not a single parent and this is my holiday too"... If you get real resistance "goodness my love, when we agreed to have children and come on big family holidays what did you expect, you can't holiday like your still a single man when you've got responsibilities darling..."

I think it seems you’ve already decided that you’re going to have a bad time. I’d try and go with an open mind and see how it goes. I’d also maybe unclench a little regarding babies routine while away. Everyone’s routine is a bit off on hols and you get back to it quickly enough when you get home. It might be fun .

It's a done deal now so my advice (like everyone else's) is to go and try to enjoy it. If you get on reasonably well with everyone and it's a nice villa in the sun then it might be better than you expect. And it's only a week. Make sure however you aren't pressured to do it again and tell your DH quite clearly that you expect him to pull his weight whilst you're away. Also next year's holiday is your shout.

I personally would go and try and make the best of it.

But if you genuinely don’t want to go then talk to your DH about it and say you’re considering letting him go with the kids without you.

I've been on holidays like this and the important thing is to carve out time just for yourselves

So that means going for a coffee alone, taking the kids out to a park/day out etc

This sounds like my worst nightmare. We don’t holiday with family or friends. DH works a lot and doesn’t get much time off so our holidays are our time together with our children. If it’s costing a lot then I want to actually enjoy it!